For Why?!?

August 7, 2012 / Posted by:

I just gave birth to a trio of fuckyous for the three of you hateful bitches who sent this to me and then I gave birth to a fuckme for pressing play on this musical abortion of a song even though I knew it would be the worst thing that happened to my ears.

Since I only fill my head with television programs of the highest cultural quality (examples: Bad Girls Club Mexico and Hollywood Exes), I don’t watch Teen Mom at all. So I don’t know if Farrah Abraham is the one who turned her baby’s bottle into a meth pipe or if she’s the one who got her baby’s water wings surgically shoved into her chest. I don’t know, but now I do know Farrah Abraham as the tone deaf trick who’s responsible for making ears barf out buckets of blood.

I know I exaggerate about everything, but I’m not exaggerating about this. It’s like Farrah was taking a bath in battery acid when somebody threw a plugged-in synthesizer into the tub and recorded her electrocuted screams. If you took a scratched Crystal Castles CD, put it into a factory-defected Discman, pressed play and then tossed it into a garbage disposal, it would sound like this song. It really is like an auto-tuned massacre.

Recently, I made the biggest mistake of my life (next to listening to this) by getting Zoom whitening. If you’ve never gotten Zoom, don’t do it. Just rinse your mouth with Clorox like a sane person. During the 12 hours after I got that teeth torture treatment, it felt like my teeth were strapped to tiny electrical chairs. Out of nowhere, I’d get these “zings” that felt a million times worse than chewing on a ball of foil. You’d hear Farrah’s song if you held a stethoscope up to one of my teeth as it ZINGED out. What I’m trying to say is I’d rather get Zoom whitening on my ass lips than listen to this piece of shit song again.

I totally sold this song to you, right? Enjoy!

via InTouch

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