But Does The Skirt Detach?

The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn’t she would’ve screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.

I don’t know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would’ve worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn’t detachable, because if it was it would’ve detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she’s about as humble as Kanye West.

On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway’s head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she’d have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.

ICYMI: Tina Fey & Amy Poehler Putting A Burn On James Cameron

We’re halfway through the Golden Globes and if you’re playing the Amy & Tina drinking game, then you’re probably doing a steady 55mph on the booze highway while making you’re way to Drinkville. And you’re probably shaped like a giant meatball sub, because you swallowed one giant meatball sub whole after hearing someone thank Harvey Weinstein. Make room for another, because I’m sure somebody else is going to thank his ass. If you’re playing your own drinking game, then there’s probably fifteen empty bottles of Strawberry Hill and a comatose hooker on the floor, because I know how you are. You drunk!

Here’s Amy and Tina busting out poses on the red carpet earlier tonight and I’m sure they totally planned to look like a lesbian couple going to a daytime wedding in a backyard garden in 1956. And if you missed Amy and Tina’s opening monologue, it’s below these block of words. Wait, there’s two of them saying words, so I can’t call it a monologue. Do I call it a DOSologue? Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, if you missed their opening DOSologue, it’s below these block of words:

And they should each get a Golden Globe for yanking James Franco’s taint and James Cameron’s droopy taint in the same monologue….I mean DOSologue.

Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Are Hosting The Golden Globes Together

Yeah, I know that picture choice is as bizarre as all the choices I make on this site, but I have a reason! The only right picture for this story is a picture of a drunk Tina Fey shaking the hand of an imaginary person while Amy Poehler’s mouth tries to keep itself from hosting a drunk barf party and Jon Hamm has an intense conversation with his Hamm sausage (or maybe he’s getting an imaginary beej or maybe his Hamm sausage is juggling party nuts).

Since Honey Boo Boo and Uncle Poodle are already booked to host the Oscars, who ever is in charge of choosing hosts for the Golden Globes chose Tina Fey and Amy Poehler! Ricky Gervais is out. The president of NBC announced this last night:

“Having both Tina Fey and Amy Poehler on board to host this year’s festivities is a major coup. Tina and Amy have a proven chemistry and comedic timing from their many years together on SNL to their successful co-starring roles in Baby Mama.”

YAAAASSSS! The only way this news could be better is if NBC also announced that this year’s Miss Golden Globes is Jon Hamm’s peen. Yes, Jon Hamm’s peen is a girl and yes SHE can hold a trophy, because she has hands. She’s the peen that can jack herself off.

Alec Baldwin Got Married, Managed Not To Curse A Bitch Out While Doing So

28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas (short for Hilarious Thomas, I hope) became 54-year-old Alec Baldwin’s second wife (and his first wife in the eyes of the Catholic GOD) at St. Patrick’s Old Cathedral in NYC last night. Guests including Tina Fey, Tina’s husband Jeff Richmond, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Baldwin, Robert Kennedy Jr., Soon-Yi, Woody Allen and Mariska Hargitay all watched as Alec promised to love, cherish and try his best to not call his new wife “a wheezy old, thoughtless goat pig” in a rage-filled voicemail (SPOILER ALERT: Alec is going to fail at that last one). Alec and Hilaria got engaged in April after dating for about a year.

People, who will have all the EXCLUSIVO pictures from this blessed gold digger achievement ceremony, says that Hilaria wore a dress by some designer named Amsale, Alec wore Tom Ford and his precious pink unicorn pillow pet served as ring bearer. I can’t wait to see the pictures of Alec punching the photographer in the face with globs of wedding cake for looking at him funny through the lens.

You can tell that Alec is SERIOUS about this marriage. Dude got his hair dyed a special shade and everything. I’d like to think that seconds after Alec lifted Hilaria’s veil at the altar, their first conversation went something like this. The part of Hilaria will be played by a possessed Whoopi Goldberg and the part of Alec will be played by Orlando’s widow:

Congratulations to Alec’s colorist for getting it RIGHT!

Tina Fey Strikes Again

Somebody had to give the videobomb of the night and even though I was secretly hoping it would be an actual lit bomb behind Madge as she licked her own ego during her ten-year-long acceptance speech, it was Tina Fey! While who ever was on stage was throwing out the names of the nominees for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, Amy Poehler thought the camera lens and her were having a special intimate moment together, but then Tina snuck in like a chrishansenhaveaseat.gif. Tina is seriously becoming a seasoned bomber, because this is her second time stealing a ho’s shine at an awards show.

So if your ass is ever sitting in a $30,000 borrowed gown at an awards show and you hear the sounds of the Jaws theme behind you, it’s Tina Fey stealing your shot! Or it’s Phoebe Price since the secret ingredient in her chicken cutlets are magnets that drag her toward the camera. Wait. Are we sure this isn’t actually Chicken Cutlets in a Tina Fey mask?

It’s All About The Queso Teeth!

Thanks to trendsetter Lindsay Lohan, teeth covered in gum diarrhea are the must-have beauty staple amongst Hollywood’s most stunning beauties. At last night’s NYC premiere of We Bought A Zoo (which is also the exact line an E! executive said to their staff after they picked up Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians), ScarJo accessorized her dick cheese grill with fruit bowl hair, your nana’s favorite rhinestone holiday earrings and a dress that I swear I saw hanging out of a cardboard box in front of the Salvation Army near my apartment.

I have to thank ScarJo for breaking out of the bright white chiclets mold that society expects all of us to fit into. ScarJo is chewing through a ball of dick cheese to get to natural beauty and we should thank her for this. I mean, real people have nicotine smegma on their teefs. They don’t have blinding ass white cartoon teeth. Since carrot teeth are officially in, I can stop with the whitening toothpaste, the whitening mouthwash and those dark-sided Crest White Strips. Crest White Strips are a tool from Hell and I swear they’re made from the jizz of Satan. Whenever I pull those evil things off my teeth, it feels like I just nibbled on an aluminum foil asshole before getting squirted in the mouth with Clorox. But those days are behind us now that dirty butt teeth are so now!

Here’s more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Matt Damon with his wife, Elle Fanning, some other childrens, Sylvia Miles and Parker Posey. On a different note, who the hell is going to see this shit?! Why would I watch ScarJo and Matt Damon fall in love in front of a bunch of animals who cannot maul those boring bitches since they’re trapped in cages? That’s torture.