And Here’s Tina Fey And Amy Poehler’s Bill Cosby Joke

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler opened up the library tonight and read tricks from the beginning of their Golden Globes duologue to the very end. They started with a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” joke (cut to St. Angie Jolie crossing their names off of the VIP list at the gates of heaven) and ended with a Bill Cosby joke  (at the 8:52 mark in the video above) that made every Pudding Pop melt. Tina and Amy promised Bill Cosby jokes and they didn’t disappoint. They knocked those tiny moles right off of Bill Cosby’s mug. via Buzzfeed

“In Into the Woods, Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince, and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby,” Poehler joked.

But, the joke wasn’t over yet. “I don’t know if you guys saw this on the news today, but Bill Cosby has finally spoken out about the allegations against him. Cosby admitted to a reporter,” Fey said, before busting in to a Cosby impression, “‘I put the pills in the people! The people did not want the pills in them!’”

Poehler replied, “No, Tina, hey. That’s not right. That’s not right. It’s more like, ‘I got the pills in the bathrobe and I put ‘em in the people!’”

But really, the best part of their Cosby drag was the variety of responses in the audience:

No matter how you feel about those jokes, there’s a face in there that will best express how you feel. Are you a Jessica Chastain? Are you throwing a side-eye like JLo? Are you going full “LOOK AT ME” by screaming like George Clooney? Or are you making a “Not having any part of this” face like Bill Murray in the top left? On second thought, maybe Bill Murray isn’t making that face. Maybe he’s taking a nap because he knows it’s going to be a long night.

“You Owe Me Big Time, Person Who I Assume Is Supposed To Be Lindsay Lohan”

In honor of the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls, aka the movie to which I dedicate my life’s laughter and tears (whatever the fuck that means), Tina Fey was kind enough to postpone working on her night cheese to reunite with former actress and current freckled mess Lindsay Lohan for Entertainment Weekly’s reunions issue. At least I *think* that’s supposed to be Lindsay Lohan; it actually looks more like a heavily Photoshopped/heavily sedated come-to-life Lindsay Lohan My Scene doll. Only Tina knows for sure. Tina, did it try to distract you while it rifled through your purse for pills or ask to borrow $60 million? Then it wasn’t the doll.

They also told some stories about what it was like filming Mean Girls, like this one about Lindsay Lohan sounding like the definition of 2004:

Tina: “I remember 17-year-old Lindsay was on a mission to find pink Uggs. That was, like, what she was working on. And there was one day where she tried to explain to Amy and me her beef with Hilary Duff, but we couldn’t crack it. But we were pretending we could follow it.”

Lindsay: “I had been online trying to get pink Uggs because I had a pink pleated skirt in the scene where I fall into the garbage can. I was like, ‘I need pink Uggs!’ I mean, I was rhinestoning my phone at the time with Swarovski crystals. [Laughs] So it was somewhat Method.”

That clever grifter-in-training! “I need pink Uggs! Uh…I mean…my character needs pink Uggs. Maybe a couple pairs actually. Tags on, just in case I…I mean, “my character” (wink)…decides to sell them for cash.”

Tina and the Apricot Ashtray were also joined by their Mean Girls co-stars Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, and Amanda Seyfried. Wait, that’s it? No Janis Ian? No Damian? No chihuahua who tries to take a chunk out of Mrs. George’s tit? NO KEVIN GNAPOOR?!?! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you can’t have a Mean Girls reunion without math enthusiast/bad-ass MC Kevin Gnapoor!

QOTD: Tina Fey Pays Tribute To Jan Hooks, Burns Rob Schneider While Doing So

At Elle’s Women In Hollywood Awards (aka The Second Unveiling Of Renee Zellweger’s New Mug ) in L.A. on Monday night, Tina Fey was given an award and during her acceptance speech, she praised the late great Jan Hooks while dropping a glorious deuce on Deuce Bigelow. Here’s a piece of Tina’s speech via Vanity Fair:

“She was another woman who meant so much to me. When we were doing 30 Rock and we needed to cast Jane Krakowski’s estranged Florida dirtbag mother and I thought, ‘My God, do you think we could get Jan Hooks? And the answer was like, ‘Yeah, you can get her.’ She was living in Woodstock. And the phone was not ringing.

She was actually a little shy about jumping back into the game. And she came down and she was so funny. We did a scene where Jenna and her mother are reunited [and they] sing their duet that they used to sing in pageants when Jenna was a child. And it was a mother and a daughter singing to each other, ‘Do that to me one more time . . . ’ And it was so funny and the crew was so mesmerized. It was all at once the most ridiculous and heartbreaking and beautiful [and] weird mother-daughter relationship. And I’m so proud of it.

It made me sad when she passed, and it made me mad at the time how available she was. Jan should have had a bigger career. Jan deserved a big movie career. Certainly as big as Rob Schneider’s fucking career. She was a bigger star on S.N.L.”

You know who’s not laughing at that quick burn to Rob Schneider’s asshole? Tina’s accountant and manager. Tina really stepped it in barefoot this time, because now she’ll never get a call for the lady lead in The Animal 2.

And on a soundstage up in heaven, Jan Hooks is taking a break from shooting a big-budget Candy Sweeney movie and is thinking to herself, “So THAT’S what I should’ve done. I should’ve been Adam Sandler’s best friend.”

Pics: Wenn.com

Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Are Probably Back On Taylor Swift’s Shit List

After Ricky Gervais was quickly shanked like a prison yard snitch for being too real at the 69th Golden Globe Awards, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were brought in to be funny, but not too funny (aka don’t be Ricky, or there will be a sharpened toothbrush handle with your names on it). Despite my skepticism, I thought they did a good job last year, especially when they took that strawberry-scented Holly Hobby doll Taylor Swift to task with the world’s tamest Taylor Swift joke, a joke which hurt Princess Tay-tay’s feeling enough for her to use Vanity Fair as her own personal Burn Book . Remember this quote from Taylor?

“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

Just like Pepperidge Farms, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler remember. And last night (deep breath) Tina and Amy managed to quote Taylor’s quote about Tina and Amy as Taylor was sitting in the audience right in front of them. After Amy won for Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy for her role as Leslie Knope on Parks and Recreation, Tina said:

“I love you, and there’s a special place in hell for you.”

And that’s when I erased my grade of B and bumped it up to an A+++, two thumbs up, and 5 Amazon stars for their hosting duties. That Vanity Fair article came out last March. March. It’s January. That means Tina has been sitting on that diss for 10 months. You know what that’s called? Jedi-level trolling. BOW DOWN, BITCHES.

Of course, they did have some other good non-Taylor jokes last night:

Poehler: “A very good evening to everyone here in the room, and to all the women and gay men watching at home.”

Fey: “Gravity is nominated for Best Motion Picture. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”

Poehler: “Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College.”

Then Tina made a sort of not-right joke about The Black List and Somali pirates, and the pencil I was taking notes with quit that bitch. But overall, good job ladies!

(Pics via Splash, Wenn)

Blerta Needs To Be An Actual Character On Girls

Tina Fey hosted the season premiere of Saturday Night Live (now with more bright shiny white people!!!) last night and the best skit of the night was their spoof of Lena Dunham’s Whiny White Girl Problems Revue, Girls. There’s been many a time when I’ve rage watched Girls and have said to my best friend (aka the bottle of Barefoot Shiraz that I keep pouring into my cup) that those whiny hos need an abuelita or some other truth teller in their lives to slap them down. Albanian blossom Blerta was that truth teller.

Having truth tellers on Girls should really become a real thing. It would make it one hundred percent watchable and I might even be able to watch it without getting plastered before, during and after (but probably not). One week, Blerta can be Hannah’s roommate, the next week my abuelita (with a bag full of chancletas) and the next week the spirit of Sophia Petrillo. Because somebody needs to tell Hannah that she looks like she shops only at Gymboree and the Oilily outlet.

Tina Fey Says Mommy Message Boards Are A Cesspool Of Disgusting Foolery

If Taylor Swift is right and there really is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women, then I guess being trapped in that special place in hell is a lot like being trapped inside of a mommy message board. At a round table with the cast of Admission, UsWeekly brought up that scene in the last episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon gets into a type fight with a bunch of crazy and judgy moms on a mommy message board. Tina Fey said that scene was inspired by the time she dipped into the insanity pool by lurking on UrbanBaby (aka Fishstick Paltrow’s home away from GOOP). Tina said:

“That was definitely built on experience with things I have seen. I have never . . . I don’t know how to post on any of those. So I promise you I have never posted. I have seen people pretending to be me post on Urban Baby. I had a friend call me and say, “Are you on Urban Baby?” I said no. I didn’t know what that was. I do think some of them – Urban Baby specifically – have some of the worst human behavior I’ve ever seen in my life. Terrible. There is no one running [those sites] or they would fix it.”

Worst human behavior she has ever seen? Well, I guess she wasn’t in the Dlisted comments that time I was in there and we started talking about dudes who love to make out with Aunt Flow. Tina has a point, though. Buzzfeed posted a list of the 15 most vomit-inducing things written on UrbanBaby and it included the most fucked up thing I’ve read ever since I re-read that Dlisted comment thread about dudes who love to make out with Aunt Flow:

(FYI: DD stands for “dear daughter.”)

THE HELL?! Shut down the internet. Shut down the world. Shut down everything. I can’t.

And before everything gets shut down, look at these pictures of Tina Fey and a lost member of Hall & Oates at the premiere of Admission in NYC on Tuesday night.