Okay, I Lied…

And with one Tina Fey photobomb, any thought I had left about that Emmys shit has really been blown from my mind. There’s nothing more to say!

Source: CoF via Buzzfeed

And The Emmy For Best Comedic Performance By A Midriff Goes To…

Trying to prove that the stick that’s permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen’s head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch’s sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma’s old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she’s serving up organic caca souffle. But I’m sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy’s stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw’s table runner. Move on…

Here’s a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I’m assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don’t make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly’s prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it’s made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don’t know if Jennifer’s sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must’ve had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!

Tina Fey Is A Mom Again

The other week, I was getting a G-rated facial (Although, that shit is really rated NC-17 since it’s a horror show) for the first time and as I ate my cries I told myself that this is what hos must go through at the Guantanamo Bay spa. Seriously, they soothe you with clouds of lavender mist and as your soul lays down in a Calgon bath, homegirl blinds you with a wet towel and then brutally murders your face with her fingers without saying a word. TRICKERY! It really felt like she was pulling premature pus babies out of my face and the evil inside her grew stronger as I slowly started to die inside.

Whenever I lifted my hand to see if my face skin was still there, she’d push it down and continue to extract pieces of my charred soul through my pores. And I was paying actual money for this. I was paying for someone to show me what it feels like when tiny demons in dagger shoes Riverdance on top of my face. It was like a Ke$ha song for my face. It was one of those experiences that while it was happening I told myself that I was going to come out a stronger person because of it (aka Oprah bullshit). Only I came out with a face that matched my nalgas: bruised, beaten, sad, swollen and red.

Afterward, I told my friend on IM about the WORST AND MOST TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE and her response was, “Has a baby head ever exploded out of your pussy? No? Then shut the fuck up.” Good point. Which leads me to the news that Tina Fey birthed out her second baby friend this week! The details from People:

Tina Fey, already mom to 5-year-old Alice, has introduced a new addition to the family.

The 30 Rock star welcomed a healthy baby girl, Penelope Athena Richmond, on Wednesday with her composer husband Jeffrey Richmond, 50, her rep tells PEOPLE.

If you’re going to go Greek, you’re going to go with Penelope Athena! Well, you’d probably go with Hopa Fage Yogurt first, and then you’d go with Penelope Athena. Congratulations to Tina, Jeffrey, Alice and the newest baby member of the 30 Rock writing staff.

(Image via NBC)

Matt Damon Says A Lot Of Fancy Words While Defending Teachers

Matt Damon brought his bald ass head to the Save Our Schools Million Teacher March in DC over the weekend and spit out a bunch of 80-point Scrabble words at a reporter who pretty much made it clear that she doesn’t think teachers should get tenure. Matt schooled her ass by saying that he’s an actor because he loves acting (Oh really, Matt?) and teachers are teachers because they love teaching. Now, let me stop Ben Affleck’s one true heartmate right there…

Is Matt trying to tell me that one of my elementary school teachers, who I swear was the living embodiment Miss Viola Swamp, not only had a heart that felt emotion, but also loved teaching even though she snarled at all of us like a pet store snake snarls at mice in the glass aquarium next to it? This bitch totally practiced witchcraft and sat at her desk silently chanting to herself hoping that the spell would work and we’d all turn into roaches that she’d mash into a paste to feed to her cats using the one long fingernail she refused to cut!

On picture day, that evil bitch actually asked me, “Are you really wearing that?” I was wearing a grey sleeveless poly-blend shirt, red shorty shorts and matching Converse! It was a hot outfit in everybody’s eyes. Bitch was just trying to fuck with my head. So is Matt trying to tell me that Miss Viola Bitch actually loved her job? Wait. Maybe she did love her job, because it gave her an outlet to be a cunt to children. That’s a pretty good reason, actually. I stand corrected.

When the camera dude put his tongue into the debate to say that 10% of all teachers are bad and should consider going into another profession, Matt snapped back with, “Okay, well maybe you’re a shitty camera man.”

While you watch Matt’s opening speech below, I’m going to figure out how to weave the word “peen” into the fancy word “paternalistic” for future use.

PEENALISTIC! I did it! Miss Viola Bitch better give me a gold star for that shit. And here’s Matt lube-ing up his bald hard during the March.

“NOT THE CANNED CHEESE!!!!”

The Inception 2: The Dark Knight Rises trailer leaked this week, but the one trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it’s a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh’s unintentional (or totally intentional) remake of Outbreak called Contagion. Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet’s population and blah..blah…blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch GOOP floppity flop flop to her death! To help Fishsticks get to that place, Steven Soderbergh told her to imagine Apple trying to cook a Stouffer’s pizza in the wood-burning outdoor pizza oven in her garden. Aaaaand action!

Birds: 1 Fishies: 0

Tina Fey On Tracy Morgan’s Rant

Alec Baldwin has already responded to Tracy Morgan’s fire-breathing sermon against gays with a Tweet shrug and now Tina Fey and the head of NBC issued their own statements since some people were wondering What Would Liz Lemon Do?

The head of NBC said that he was happy Tracy apologized and that they don’t agree with hate or violence towards anybody (except Conan O’Brien). Since the NBC peacock is as gay as the NBC peacock, he went on to say that both the network and 30 Rock accept everybody (except Conan O’Brien) so Tracy’s comments were against what they believe in.

As for Tina, she put it like this:

“I’m glad to hear that Tracy apologized for his comments. Stand-up comics may have the right to ‘work out’ their material in its ugliest and rawest form in front of an audience, but the violent imagery of Tracy’s rant was disturbing to me at a time when homophobic hate crimes continue to be a life-threatening issue for the GLBT Community. It also doesn’t line up with the Tracy Morgan I know, who is not a hateful man and is generally much too sleepy and self-centered to ever hurt another person.

I hope for his sake that Tracy’s apology will be accepted as sincere by his gay and lesbian coworkers at 30 Rock, without whom Tracy would not have lines to say, clothes to wear, sets to stand on, scene partners to act with, or a printed-out paycheck from accounting to put in his pocket. The other producers and I pride ourselves on 30 Rock being a diverse, safe, and fair workplace.”

Tina Fey should know that one of my shittiest ex-boyfriends slept 12 hours a day and always sat on the side of the table that faced the giant mirror in the dining room at Mimi’s Cafe, so sleepy selfish dick bags can be hateful too. But what I’m getting from Tina’s statement is that on the next season of 30 Rock, Tracy Jordan will become color blind which will lead him to only wearing rainbow colored clothing. Then Tracy Jordan’s son Tracy Jr. will come out to him at around the same time he develops a Tourettes-like tick that forces him to stab his daddy in the knee with a rusty shank repeatedly throughout the day. Either that or she’s saying that bitch better get right or he’ll be lucky if he gets a job as Mel Gibson’s understudy at the Westboro Baptist Dinner Theater.

And I just realized that typing “dining room at Mimi’s cafe” was ridiculous. Like that shit was some fine dining.