I Hit It First: The Video

After watching Ray J’s trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called “I Hit It First” and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian’s big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don’t know who’s trashier and more desperate for attention?

Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should’ve spent less of the video’s $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should’ve laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that’s just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.

Then there’s the Kartrashian’s vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians’ yacht and she didn’t do it.

All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it’s okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.

And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don’t know.  I’m not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I’ll stare at this picture and try to figure out who’s winning the battle to the biggest, Kim’s bump or ass?

A Thing That Exists: The Condom Challenge

When I was in the third grade, there was this girl in my class who grossed us out and entertained us at the same time by snorting a string of floss up her nostril before pulling it out of her mouth. We laughed, we cried and we heaved. I blame her for all of this.

Because teens of the internet have run out of weird shit to do, they’re now challenging each other to the Condom Challenge. Unfortunately, the Condom Challenge isn’t a game where teens put on condoms and keep them on as long as they can, forever and ever. I wish. This fucked up shit involves sticking a condom up your nostril and snorting it up until it comes out of your mouth. This is what happens when a school’s sex education class loses its funding and the dudes from Jackass are brought in to teach the kids how to use a condom.

There’s dozens of Condom Challenge videos like the messy one above on YouTube.

This is really what it’s come to? Snorting condoms for sport? Snorting a condom is only okay if you’re about to get into nostril sex, but that’s it.

via The Daily What 

This Is What Ray J Did For Attention Today

Brandy’s little brother yanked at Kanye West’s Givenchy butt plug today by tweeting the cover of his new single (yeah, he still makes those) “I Hit That First.” In case Kanye didn’t know, Ray-J is letting him know that his neck pillow dick hit Kim’s sugar walls first. Somebody somehow figured out that the cover of Ray-J’s single is a pixelated version of this picture.

I don’t know whether let out a million laughs or quench Ray J’s thirst by giving him a plastic trash can full of Pedialyte. I’m surprised Ray J didn’t take the fuckery all the way by using a current day picture of Kim and calling his single “I Hit It When There Were Less Pixels.” Kanye is way too busy shopping for leather kilts and getting his b-hole lips gilded to even throw a side-eye at this mess.

And I was going to say that Pimp Mama Kris is probably going to shake Ray J down for a cut of the profits, but what profits?

One Direction Fans Tweet Death Threats To This Adorable Puppy

In “I Can’t Believe This Shit Didn’t Come From The Onion” news, a few One Direction fans have been tweeting death threats to this adorable puppy named Loki. No, Loki isn’t Harry Styles’ new girlfriend. Those crazy children are wishing death upon this innocent puppy, because Liam Payne bought him with his girlfriend Danielle Peazer. This is some Fatal Attraction shit, which is weird, since most of those crazed One Directioners weren’t even a sperm fish when Fatal Attraction came out.

Metro says that shortly after Liam Payne introduced Loki to his 9 million Twitter followers, the hate and death threats started pouring in. A few One Directioners, who obviously didn’t get enough spoonfuls of crushed Xanax in their jar of banana baby food, let Liam know that they don’t like him raising a puppy with Danielle Peazer, because it means he’ll have less time to tweet with them. Here’s some death threat tweets to a puppy that’ll make you feel really hopeful about our future:

And a couple more:

“I am outraged and appalled fucking Loki the dog! That dog ain’t nothing but the scum on my shoe”

“Let’s kill him! Gun? Knife?”

You know you need to set the parental controls on your child’s laptop to MAXIMUM when they tweet death threats at a puppy for stealing their man. They’re going to start tweeting death threats to every spoon Liam uses, because he’s sticking his tongue on it instead of them.

To paraphrase a quote from prolific philosopher Taylor Swift: There’s a special place in hell for people who wish death upon a puppy….and that special place in hell doesn’t have WiFi or cell phone service. You’re all grounded!

Good Morning, Here’s Courtney Stodden’s Latest Alter Ego

Courtney Stodden has pulled another Party City wig out of her toy chest and once again showed us that she’s either suffering from chronic boredom like a 13-year-old on summer break or she’s slowly losing her mind or both! Courtney Stodden’s last alter ego, Courtina, looked like a refugee from Donald Trump’s harem and she talked like Bjork if Bjork didn’t have a tongue. This time, Courtney threw a Paris Jackson wig on her head and dressed up like a freelance day-shift stripper at Fangtasia to play her Emo goth sister Courtland.

Courtland calls Courtney a fame whore and says that Doug Hutchison is a washed-up D-list saggy bald actor. (Well, she got two out of two right.)

I don’t even know… Is this some long-running performance art piece and it won’t be long before we find out that Marina Abramović and Yoko Ono are her co-mentors? Is Courtney Stodden going to rip her face off to reveal that she’s really a Wayans brother and this has all been an elaborate viral marketing campaign for the reboot of In Living Color? Is the Spice Channel making a resurrection and their first show is a porn variety show and this is Courtney’s audition tape?

This mess looks straight out of a porn parody of Sybil and I hate Doug and Courtney for making me type the words “porn parody of Sybil.” That’s not right.

via Radar

And Here’s Kourtney Kartrashian Squirting Titty Leche Onto Kim’s Body

So now after reading that headline, you’re not only Kartrashian intolerant, but you’re lactose intolerant too.

On the next episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle of Hell, Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami,  Kim tells the slow one that she read online that some people use breast milk as a home remedy for psoriasis and ever since she’s been pouring tit leche out of the bottle onto her spots, it’s helped them a little bit. So, of course, since Kim and Kourtney are always up for making fetish porn, the slow one whips her tit out and dribbles milk all over Kim’s leg. Kim starts screaming “EWW! EWWW!,” which summoned a dozen bitch-pleases from my mouth. I mean, so suddenly Kim is grossed out by somebody squirting their bodily fluids onto her body in front of a camera for attention? Bitch would’ve never been famous if it wasn’t for somebody shooting a milky substance onto her body. How quickly the fame whores forget.

Then Kim says to Kourtney, “That is so disgusting that you can just squeeze that and have that come out.” I say that every time Kim squeezes a “thought” out of her brain. And I guess this means that Kanye will have to breastfeed the Illuminati’s golden child. I hope their kid likes the taste of fish milk.

And here’s Kim looking like a water buffalo eating a swan while shopping in Paris with Gay Fish.