Teen Mom 2’s Jenelle Evans Live-Tweeted Her Miscarriage

In the span of 9 days, Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 announced that she was knocked up with a do-over baby, filed charges against her husband of a few weeks for allegedly beating her ass and then went to the hospital because there were complications with her pregnancy. Then early this morning, Jenelle and her ex-boyfriend Gary Head live-tweeted her miscarriage. As I file legal papers asking for extradition to another planet, read this mess:

Pimp Mama Kris doesn’t know what to do first: slow clap or take notes.

One of Jenelle’s friends told Radar this morning that she did lose her baby and so her mother Barbara doesn’t have to move to a different city and change her name, because it turns out she won’t have to take care of another kid. A lot of commenters at Radar think that Jenelle was never pregnant and she and her husband Courtland Rogers came up with this scam to get a quick check from Radar. So either Jenelle live-tweeted a fake miscarriage or she live-tweeted a real miscarriage. Whatever the case may be, I’m still going to try to jack a space pod from the Scientology garage, because it’s the only way I’ll get off this planet. I’ll meet you there. Don’t give Jenelle our forwarding address.

This Is Our Future, Part 20

Every sign of rules in the pool area of every South Florida apartment complex needs to be updated to read: No Diving. No Alcoholic Beverages. And Absolutely No Filming Of Booty-Popping Videos Starring 6-Year-Old Boys.

In a music video that’s like an air kiss to Child Protective Services, 6-year-old mini rapper Albert Roundtree Jr. of South Florida raps about poppin’ booties while surrounded by a pool full of garbage barge hos in bikinis. This mess is like a Naughty By Nature video as seen through the eyes of PedoBear. All the adults involved in this full blown fuckery need to be arrested. Albert’s parents needed to be arrested for spending their money on this ILLEGAL foolery rather than spending it on getting that boy’s hernia looked at before it pops all over the place. Those hos need to be thrown in the back of a paddy wagon for shaking their asses at a little boy who doesn’t even know what the hell he’s rapping about. Although, maybe they’re extra dim in the brains and mistook that boy for Flavor Flav without his gold-plated grill on. They still need to be arrested and charged for taking part in this Mary Kay Letourneau-approved shit.

But the most surprising thing is that this boy isn’t a Smith.

via Complex

Presented Without Comment: A Tweet That Sums Up Beliebers Perfectly

via Jezebel

Snooki’s Getting Married Too

If the sanctity of motherhood is going down, it’s going to take whatever corroded pieces are left of the sanctity of marriage with it. That sound of two shotguns cocking (side note: That sounds kind of hot, but it’s not in this case.) you just heard was from humanity putting the barrel up to its heart and from a shotgun practicing Snooki’s wedding march. Because People says that not only is an Oompa Loompa fetus getting drunk in Snooki’s pickled womb, but she’s also engaged to her midget Hulk boyfriend Jionni LaValle. While I love the name Snooki LaValle since it sounds like the name of a John Waters character played by Pia Zadora, I cannot condone this mess. This is not going to end well FOR ALL OF US!

As the employees of New Jersey’s Child Protective Services cheer this news because it means they’ll all have jobs for the next 18 years, Snooki’s ex-piece Emilio Masella tells TMZ that he hopes she has a miscarriage:

“I hope for her sake … not to be rude or anything … but I hope she has a miscarriage. When I was with her, she said she wanted twins. She would always say ‘Let’s have twins.’ I would def recommend her to get a paternity test to see who the father is because I’m sure there are other subjects. Vinny could easily be the father.”

Snooki shouldn’t get her feelings hurt over that shit, because Emilio totally didn’t mean to be rude or anything. We should all learn from this roid-damaged piece of douchewad shit. Whenever you’re about to fist pump a trick in their emotional place by saying some truly fucked up shit, start off by saying “not to be rude or anything” and you won’t hurt their feelings. Let’s try it! Not to be rude or anything, Emilio, but I hope the earth miscarries you by spitting you out into the universe. See! It actually sounds nice. I should go back and add “not to be rude or anything” to every sentence I’ve ever written.

And here’s the soon-to-be mother of every year, JWoww and their pieces shooting their reality show in Jersey City yesterday.

Happy “Somebody PLEASE Pay Attention To Me” Day, Jennifer Love Hewitt!

Because Jennifer Love Hewitt is a shy, private and demure person, she celebrated her 33rd birthday yesterday at the long-running headquarters for fame eaters that is The Ivy. THE IVY: Where THIRSTAY hos can quench their thirst on $30 lemonade and camera flashes.

JLove, who is seriously the prototype for every desperate sadling on The Bachelor, screamed for the paparazzi to scratch her attention spot by flashing all kinds of signs that read shit like “Happy Birthday 2 Me,” “Watch The Client List In April,” and “Bye Pappos.” You know, I shade JLove often for taking desperate to whole new desperate levels, but these pictures are kind of refreshing. Because usually if JLove’s holding a sign, it reads: I NEED A MAN!!!!!!!!

It feels unnatural posting pictures of The Ivy without The Ivy’s forever Poison Ivy Queen in them, so I was moved to do this:

And now I can exhale.

This Is Our Future, Part 18

After Chris Brown moved his lips to a track (TWICE) at last night’s Grammys, Buzzfeed posted an ode to the rapture in the form of a list of “25 Extremely Upsetting Reaction to Chris Brown at the Grammys” and it could also be titled “25 Reasons Why The Gods Above Should Push The Red Button On Humanity And Let The Puppies, Kittens And Roaches Run The World.” If this isn’t a suicide note from civilization, then I don’t know what is. 2012, take me away!