JLo, Kindly Take Five Steps To Your Left

The noun “glamour” and the name “JLo” go together like Skeletor and solid foods, but Glamour Magazine still defied logic by naming her as one of their Women of the Year in some ceremony at Carnegie Hall in NYC last night. They gave her an ugly trophy that looks like a Target logo orgy and asked her to pose with the Claymation goddess who designed the dress she wore last night. WRONG MOVE.

On her own, JLo mugs the camera like the lens is an extra hung Q-tip and she’s a Botoxed Siamese cat in heat. But when you put JLo next to the exquisitely crafted Donatella Versace, her face falls into a state of natural demureness. Bitch looks so “made from the earth” next to Donatella. And we all know that natural is out for 2011! So JLo needs to follow the exit signs and let the glorious Candy Kong Muppet take in all the camera clicks.

JLo also needs to hand Donatella that trophy, because glamour IS a woman who is put together with Silly Putty and whose jowls tells us that she mines for diamonds with her mouth on the weekends. Fall back, JLo! Actually, JLo probably did fall back when she let go of Donatella and down came that bobble head toward her.

What In The World Is JLo Ruining Today?

JLo’s days are already packed with crying out choreographed glycerin tears on American Idol, cultivating herself as the greatest beard to ever wrap around Bradley Cooper’s chin, hawking cars that cost less than her polar bear fur tampons, and now she’s adding something else to her schedule: RUINING CARMEN SANDIEGO! That sentence was the knife that just went into your childhood’s stomach. If those assholes greenlight a movie version of the Legend of Zelda starring Justin Bieber, just end my childhood for good by beating it in the head with a gold Nintendo cartridge (I thought that was some fancy shit when I was kid).

Back in the 90s, Sandra Bullock was supposed to throw on a red trench as Carmen and that would’ve been a special kind of awful too. But now it’s in JLo’s shit-turning fingers! The good news is that JLo hasn’t signed on to star yet, but the bad news is that she’s going to produce it. Here’s hoping that JLo does the right thing by casting Beyonce since that bitch really knows how to steal.

Here’s the details on that mess from Deadline:

The hope is to turn the property into National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair. The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero? The property originated as an educational computer game before it was turned into an animated TV series.

The only good thing that will come out of a Carmen Sandiego movie is the resurrection of Rockapella:

And here’s JLo playing What In The World Am I Wearing? while walking around Argentina today.

Take Cover! JLo’s In Heat Again!

Lock your windows, bring in your trash cans, turn the porch light off and tell the children not to open their eyes until morning, because now that JLo has been released from the cage in Skeletor’s dungeon she’s going wild, yowling at the moon, spraying her scent at the walls (smells like Glow) and sticking her culito hole in the faces of strangers hoping that someone takes pity upon her and gives her a scratch!

At the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas on Saturday night, JLo strangled a Muppet with her ass cheeks and then wore it as a trophy before she went full horny in front of the audience and humped on anything that didn’t run from her. An official from the zoo arrived on the scene and tried to catch her with a net, but JLo can not and will not be tamed! JLo ran like a banshee with a hot asshole into Pure nightclub and continued to try so hard to be sexy that she pushed out a kidney stone with the word “STOP” etched into it. Don’t listen to that kidney stone, JHo! You keep working it like only an old whore can!

And here’s some EXCLUSIVO backstage and frontstage footage of JLo going wild on Saturday night:

QUICK! Get The Chisel! The Fillers Hardened Again!

Canadian Brangeloonies and the tortured loved ones they drag to shit like this, gathered at the Church of Brangie’s traveling tent revival set up at The Toronto International Film Festival yesterday to worship their gods St. Angie and Brad Pitt live in the flesh. Some Brangeloonies immediately started mumbling in tongues (example: whatangelinadidwasreallyCOOLalalakdafbklallaCOOL) and others offered up their hysterical tears to the sacred vein on Angie’s forehead, which might be hibernating in a cocoon of Botox for the month.

Believe it or not, Brad Pitt, who is trying to beat Tom Brady and Ashton Kutcher in a JTT hair-alike contest, nor St. Angie were the stars of last night’s Moneyball premiere. Nor was her purse and chain (not to be confused with her ball and chin). Nor skinny Jonah Hill. Nor Anna Faris. Nor David Justice. Nor Stephen Bishop. The real star was the brave Cloonelooney who threw herself into a sea of Brangeloonies. Get some of this:

So now you know what your mama was really doing last night.

For Just 25 Cents A Day……

The walking dried bean curd with feuding titties celebrated her 29th birthday over the weekend with a good old-fashioned fame whoring bikini photo op in Malibu with her partner in homewreckery Eddie Cibrian and his children. Your 25 cents a day will go toward a special couples weekend for LeAnn’s War of the Roses silicone sacks since it’s obvious that they’re still sleeping on opposite sides of her bony chest and refuse to even reach out and touch each other. They’ve been pushed apart and need to reconnect.

Because if her nomad nipples don’t sing “Reunited” to each other, she’ll just keep terrorizing our retinas with her sternum of doom. It must kill the mood when Eddie has to pull out an industrial-strength clamp to titty fuck LeAnn.

And while I appreciate that LeAnn wore a knit bikini filter over her ass, that mess should really be worn over the anus hole on her face so it can filter out all the shit she says.

BREAKING: JLo Is Still Acting Like A Diva Bitch

The day that we hear that JLo is a pleasure to work with and makes all of her co-workers bust out a smile as they nominate her for EMPLOYEE OF THE CENTURY is a day that will never ever come. The chance of that happening is right up there with the world’s fattest fatty fat fat bitch NOT accidentally suffocating her dog with her double down fupa cleavage of death.

Everyone knows that all spell checks should be updated to automatically correct the word “BITCH” to “JLO.” We all know this. JLo can’t sing and can’t act, but one thing she can do is bring the bitchery in heavy doses. The cast and crew of her new shit show What To Expect When You’re Expecting (aka Valentine’s Day meets a pile of labor poop) are witnessing this for themselves every day says Gatecrasher:

Jennifer Lopez is keeping to herself these days – at least on movie sets. A source on the location yesterday of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” which stars the recently separated Lopez along with a slew of other A-listers, tells us the 42-year-old “wouldn’t talk to anyone directly” on the Piedmont Park set in Atlanta, and would converse with people only “through her handler.”

JLo knows that she has a reputation as a diva-plated asshole to uphold, so of course she’s going to pull out some ridiculous shit like this. But what JLo doesn’t know is that she’s actually bestowing an act of kindness upon the damn crew. I mean, would you rather talk to JLo’s handlers or would you rather pop an eye vein by trying to not roll your sight balls while talking to JLo herself? Exactly. Joke’s on that bitch. Fishsticks Paltrow better almost run over more jaywalkers, because JLo is trying to snatch away GOOP’s sainthood without even trying.