LeAnn Rimes Is At The Beach Again

Ignore the sounds of Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” playing in your head, because even though LeAnn Rimes looks like a neglected horse fly who suffers from the dizzies due to malnourishment, she doesn’t need your $18 a month donation. LeAnn Rimes needs a lot of things (examples: shame, dignity, the name of a good titty ball surgeon), but what she doesn’t need is a donation. LeAnn’s feedbag must be filled with nothing but gold coins, because she’s permanently on vacation. In just the past few weeks, bitch was in Aspen and Mexico. And now she’s strutting her yard apart chichis in Hawaii.

LeAnn and a friend were horsing around (If you GONG me for that one, make sure it leaves a mark.) on the beach yesterday in front of a bunch of paps who I’m sure she called herself. LeAnn can’t go a week without posing for pictures that look like they came straight out of Horse Fancy’s swimsuit edition.

And I need to take a quick moment to shed light on the abuse that plastic ball is enduring at the hooves of LeAnn Rimes. Can you imagine the painful emotions it’s going through as it flies toward a ho with a cemetery of plastic balls on her chest? That poor plastic ball thinks she’s going to catch it and stuff it into her chest where it will be trapped forever. What an evil bitch. Think of the plastic balls, LeAnn!

Angie Is Starving Herself For The Starving Children Of The World

“Okay, we’re going inside this movie theater and your simple ass better not get me any buttered popcorn, because I’m not eating buttered popcorn until the starving children are eating buttered popcorn! Just get me a cup of the frozen tear cubes of a lonely spinster. I’ll take whatever brand they have.” is probably what St. Angie is saying to Brad Pitt above, because according to UsWeekly, she’s on a hunger strike. Grazia Magazine said a couple of weeks ago that Angie barely shoved 600 calories down her throat and it’s because she’s always so busy. But a source tells UsWeekly that’s not the reason why she’s got the body of a Castlevania skeleton warrior.

Just like your 12-year-old Emo daughter who considers Christina Ricci’s character in the Ice Storm as her spirit animal, Angie is trying to make a political statement by giving herself the perma hungries. The source says that she “puts herself on fasts to make statements for the children she visits. She says, ‘If they can’t eat, I can’t eat. [She] does different cleanses from around the world. It’s very dramatic, but that’s how she gets.” A different source says that Brad is worried and has taken her to doctors, but they all tell him that there’s nothing wrong with her.

This doesn’t really make any sense. Wouldn’t Angie want to be as healthy (I know, I know..) as possible so she has the strength to help the children and shit? And if she is starving herself for the children, wouldn’t she do it the old fashioned way by not fucking eating food? Cleanses don’t count. That’s cheating. Yeah, I’m sure the starving children of the world are only starving because their village’s juice bar only serves Master Cleanse water.

Casper Smart Responds To His “Haters” On Twitter

JLo’s toy of the moment/back-up dancer, Casper Smart, is currently with her in Morocco at the opening of some mall and before he strapped himself into his booster seat on his sugar madre’s private jet, he had a mini Tweetrum about the “haters” talking shit about his relationship. Casper puffed up his chest, pulled up his Pull-Ups, stood on his tippy toes and huffed out this:

Runnin around city getting all my stuff ready and packed for Casablanca tonight.. #stayingbusy
29 Nov

I don’t understand how people can speak on other people or things they know nothing of??!!! #CRAZY Off to Morocco!!!!
29 Nov

Casper then re-Tweeted a bunch of pats on the head from his followers.

@Caspersmart dont listen to the haters i think ur awesome 🙂 And a good dancer 🙂

I think @Caspersmart an @JLo make a really good couple but you know everyones gonna hate cuz when your happy or successful ppl have to hate

@Caspersmart Well Mr.Sexy guy say BLURRPP to the haters 🙂 probably i will support you and @JLo until the end my dear 🙂 ♥

Why are ppl judging @Caspersmart no 1 knows how long @JLo was separated be4 she announced the divorce ppl need 2 stop being so quick 2 judge

Can’t JLo turn on the parental controls on the BlackBerry Casper uses to Tweet? Isn’t there some kind of pacifier add-on for Twitter that will stop his whining, because damn. JLo adopted Casper from The KFed Boy Toy Agency like 15 seconds ago and he’s already pissed about all the shit people are saying? It’s going to be a long (insert the number of weeks you bet in the office pool on how long this “relationship” will last) if Casper can’t take a little shade.

Casper, who sort of looks like a humanized Dewey Duck on growth hormones to me, needs to spend less time getting his Underoos twisted and more time practicing hitting JLo from the back. Can you imagine watching Casper trying to mount JLo’s big ass? It probably looks like a toddler trying to crawl up a slide. Just slipping all over the place and shit. Casper, here’s a tip: get a running start.

via Page Six

St. Angie Is Eating 600 Calories A Day, So Says Some Source

This Thursday, some of us will be shoving shovels full of creamed turkey fat, pumpkin pie filling, canned cranberries, Stove Top cake and blocks of butter into our gluttony holes before we pass out in a 4 hour coma and get up to do it all over again. Once you’ve swallowed everything in the refrigerator including the light bulb that has a little gravy splash on it, you might want curb your carb-spree and go on of those du-du-du-diet things. Well, Grazia Magazine (via DM) might have the right diet for you (no, they don’t). One of their unnamed sources say that if you want arms as skinny as Courtney Stodden’s lizard tongue and veins that are trying to escape from your body because they are so damn HONGRAY, then stock up on coconut oil and go on the St. Angie diet.

The source says that St. Angie weighs under 100 pounds and she has her 600 calorie a day diet to thank for that. Contrary to what the Bible tells us, St. Angie doesn’t only eat the fear Brad Pitt gives off when her hypnotic vagina tries to chomp his other ball off. St. Angie actually eats food and here’s a sample of what she eats on a daily basis:

Breakfast: A spoonful of coconut oil and a handful of cereal
Lunch: A few almonds and some Gummy Bears, or a protein shake
Dinner: Steak and wine!

The source also makes it clear to add heaping amounts of stress to this diet if you really want it to work. They explained, “Yes, stress plays a part. She is the type of person who drops weight when she’s stressed out. She simply loses her appetite and can survive on almost nothing. But a lot of people are worried that she is taking things too far and that she won’t have the strength to do all the things she wants to do if she doesn’t gain some weight. Everyone has been begging her to eat more and she is trying not to get any skinnier, but unfortunately she just doesn’t seem to be putting on any more weight.”

But really, 600 calories. I gained 600 calories just from typing the first sentence in this post. That can’t be right. St. Angie probably weighs more than 100 pounds and I’m she eats more than 600 calories a day since Maddox spikes the gallons of virgin blood she drinks with Ensure. Maybe she just carries most of her weight in her arm veins?

Yes, JLo, We Get It. Your Chocha Is Free Again.

Because JLo no longer has to face the controlling Puerto Rican wrath Skeletor vomits out at her every time she flop fucks the stage like a Real Housewife mermaid in heat, she went pussy-out wild at last night’s AMAs. I thoroughly believe that there is no retirement age for doing ho shit, so I have no words of hate for 42-year-old JLo shoving her Thanksgiving dinner for 12 all over Pitbull’s bulge. (Side note: Even though Pitbull’s peen probably tastes like Drakkar Noir and he uses his own spit as lube, I’d still let him bite, lockjaw or whatever me. I so would. Judge me or report me to the ASPCA all you want.)

JLo started her performance by earning another Razzie for her staged breakdown and then she continued to strip like a lunch shift stripper until all she had on was Brit Brit’s streched-out bodysuit. For real, though, JLo’s performance was really nothing more than a joint commercial for Fiat and her liberated vagina. I kept waiting for this bitch to run over a Skeletor cardboard cutout with her Fiat to really drive the point into our brains.

We get it. JLo wants all of us to buy a car that costs less than her annual labia bleaching bill and she’s HORNY! Keep fucking that Fiat, JLo, but nobody’s ever going to believe that you actually drive one of those things when a camera isn’t around.

JLo Might Be Hitting This

The Insider is saying that JLo has permanently pried herself off of Bradley Cooper’s chin and is now bumping assholes with one of her back-up dancers named Casper Smart. That is baby beards-in-training Ashley Greene and Taylor Swift’s cue to stroll up to B. Coop’s publicist now that there’s a position available.

JLo has been dragging Casper Smart all over the place from Buenos Aires to San Francisco ever since they started boning on each other a couple of weeks ago. A source says that the relationship is labeled as “very casual” and JLo is trying to keep it that way. At 5’8″ and 160 pounds, Casper is a pocket hottie and moved his tiny little legs while dancing in an episode of Glee and in the direct-to-the-discount-bin masterpiece Honey 2. Casper joined JLo’s harem of dancers earlier this year.

There’s probably a thick layer of dried zombie dust stuck to the roof of JLo’s mouth from sucking on Skeletor’s zombie pichula for all those years, so I totally understand that she’s trying to cleanse it with some young dick. But nothing good can come from this. First of all, we all know what happened the last time JLo fucked around with one of her dancers. The bitch married him and I’m sure she’s still cutting him an alimony check.

Second of all, Casper is just a tiny thing. Dude looks like if Duckie from Pretty in Pink stunted his growth by drinking roid milk as a child. How is Casper going to conquer JLo’s double down ass of doom? That’s like watching an apple head chihuahua puppy trying to ass fuck a full grown mastiff. And once Casper does mount JLo’s ass with the help of a climbing harness, some rope and a crampon, he’s only going to get a few humps in before her asshole inhales and he’s never heard from again! Nobody will ever know what happened to Casper until one day JLo farts and out will come one of his CZ studs. End well: this won’t!