Prophet Justin Bieber Says We Will All Regret Not Celebrating Chris Brown’s Genius While He’s Still Alive
Street prophet Justin Bieber cinched up his big boy pants (the full length ones!), pulled on his best socks and slides combo and stood on his corner soapbox to warn us citizens of humanity that we’re going to be really, really, super sorry for not supporting the unmistakeable talent and superstardom of his most bestest friend in the whole wide world while we had the chance! No, you have not been transported back to the year AD 20 when Jesus was walking among us making miracles happen. Sadly you are still stuck in AD 2019 and Justin is talking about none other than Chris Brown. Yes, that Chris Brown. The Biebs thinks that Chris is the #1 singer in the world and therefore we should overlook the “little” acts of his assholery and abuses towards women or we’ll all be sorry when he’s dead, just like we were over the premature deaths of Michael Jackson and Tupac Shakur. You hear that? We’ll all be sorry!
Back in March, 77-year-old director Terry Gilliam let everyone know that he thought the #MeToo movement was “mob rule,” and insinuated that not everyone who met with Harvey Weinstein was a victim. Obviously it was about as well-received as The Brothers Grimm. Whether Terry is old and out of touch or just an asshole is still to be decided. Thankfully, he recently let loose some garbage opinions about diversity that will most likely help make the decision a little easier.
So it turns out Calvin Harris might be just as much of a dramatic shit-starting middle schooler trapped in the body of a grown-ass adult as his girlfriend. Yesterday, Calvin Harris got into it with the former “hot one” or “bad boy” (or whatever he was) from One Direction, Zayn Malik on Twitter. Somewhere in a dank church basement, Diplo just pulled up a seat for Calvin at his weekly DJ Dudes Who Are Too Damn Old To Be Doing This Shit support group.
It all started when Zayn re-tweeted a meme featuring Calvin’s honeybun Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, and their respective theories on musicians making money, the jist of which is that Tay Tay is all #getmoneybitch and Miley isn’t. That’s when Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson turned to Calvin and meowed “You’re not going to ignore this, are you?” (which is really the only explanation I have for why a grown man like Calvin would start a fight with a former One Direction fetus on Twitter). So he did just that – he hopped on Twitter and dragged Zayn up and down the internet.
When I think about the reasons why Britney Spears might be crossing the name “Iggy Azalea” off her Christmas card list, most of them have to do with Iggy Azalea starting shit with her on Twitter over their song “Pretty Girls” a few days ago. However, according to Iggy Azalea, it has nothing to do with the fact that her fingers typed the words “I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend” and everything to do with shit-starting troublemakers in the media.
Shortly after Brit Brit responded to Iggy’s asshole-sucking comment by pulling out her best umbrella and covering her in shade, Iggy hopped on Twitter to hiss at everyone trying to make things awkward between them.
I know this is a paused-at-the-right moment picture, but I like to think it’s also the same face Kim Kardashian makes whenever her kurrent husband Kanye West starts into a 2-hour long rant about fashion or she’s forced to remember anything about North West besides her best angle for a pap photo.
Not to be outdone by all the attention her step-father Bruce Jenner received over the weekend, Kim Kardashian made an appearance on the TODAY show this morning to talk about how she and the rest of the koven are handling things ever since Bruce publicly came out as transgender. Kim, who sounded a bit like a delayed Fisher-Price See n’ Say, told Matt Lauer that she and her family supports him 100%, but that their family is still taking time to adjust. She also says there have been hundreds of family meetings (which I’m sure they referred to as a selfie break) with “every emotion you could possibly imagine.” She then added (she didn’t, but go with me on this one) “…emotions such as drowsiness, boredom, lethargy, indifference – all shown through a wide variety of paralyzed facial expressions, like a dead-eyed fish-mouth or…dead-eyed fish-mouth.”
Damn, those hard-core attention enthusiasts couldn’t resist yanking the spotlight away Bruce, even for a couple minutes. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before she and the rest of her family take it one step further by announcing several new E! shows, like Keeping Up With The Kardashians As They Keep Up With Bruce and Kim & Khloe Take Bruce’s Transition Very Seriously.
Even his best buddy Kanye West is like “Sure, Jan Z.” To fight off the rumors that his new music-streaming service Tidal is a giant steaming pile of FAIL, Jay Z went on Twitter to explain in a long-ass rant that everything is fine and Tidal is great and don’t pay any attention to whatever you’ve heard, because it’s all lies. Jay Z created the hashtag #TidalFacts, but he really should have called it #TidalDothProtestTooMuch, because 15 tweets about how your company isn’t a huge mess is a lot of tweets.
Since your index finger will no doubt cramp up after scrolling thought that many tweets, and a finger injury could have a negative effect on your sex life/canned frosting-eating life, I’ve compiled them all into one single thought.