I was under the impression that Duchess Kate’s legs only existed in an on-duty Royal capacity if they were wrapped in pantyhose and covered from the knees-up by a skirt. But what is this? Duchess Kate wore pants today, and she’s still here!
If The Emmys Didn’t Nominate “Modern Family” For Outstanding Comedy, Did The Emmy Nominations Even Happen?
The 70th annual Emmy nominations were announced this morning by Samira Wiley (from The Handmaid’s Tale and Orange is the New Black) and Ryan Eggold (from The Black List and 90210 2.0). Or did they? Because Modern Family didn’t come out of either of their mouths while announcing the main comedy nominations. This is the first time in the show’s history that it hasn’t been nominated for Outstanding Comedy. It won 5 times in a row for its first 5 seasons, and has won a total of 22 Emmys. That Emmy statue chick is breathing a sigh of relief that her breath doesn’t smell like Modern Family ass today because she’s no longer got her tongue up that show’s ass. I’m sure the cast and creators will dry their rejected tears on the $1 million bills they had specially printed up by the U.S. Treasury because it’s so much easier to carry around one $1 million bill instead of one million $1 bills.
At last night’s Met Gala, the category was: Catholic High Drag. And Madonna was there. So knowing two these things….
- Madge has been an extra sharp thorn in the Catholic church’s side for decades.
- Madge gets ten years added to her life when she bares those 59-year-old nalgitas and chichis at the Met Gala.
…I figured and hoped that she’d really blow the tit hat off of the Pope’s head by showing up in nothing but a crucifix butt plug, a crown of thrones clit ring, and communion wafers barely covering her nips. Or I figured she’d just bring Sinead O’Connor who’d spray paint “filthy pedos” all over the exhibit. (Seriously, the Met Gala needed Sinead.) But Madge delivered a real PLOT TWIST when she hit the eyes of the people with “grown Heidi at the funeral of her rich Italian husband.” She should’ve went all the way by yodel-ay-hee-boo-hooing onto a casket.
The day when my internal organs all raise up several white flags after I repeatedly pour bowls of Why Me? stew (uncooked cake batter, a box of wine, 2 pounds of snickerdoodle weed cookie crumbs, 4 blended up Double Doubles, and my own tears) into my crying hole is a little over three weeks away. That means news about Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle’s wedding is going from “Jesus Christ, Make It Stop” to “Jesus Christ, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, And Bea Arthur, Make It Stop.”
Kensington Palace has already announced shit about the wedding cake, the wedding flowers, the guests, and the music (which surprisingly doesn’t include Meghan Markle singing Boom I Got Your Boyfriend to us haters at her wedding reception). And today, Kensington Palace burped up the announcement that we’ve all been waiting for. No, not the announcement that Prince William and Duchess Kate named their third kid Prince Morrissey Is Trash of Cambridge. Kensington Palace announced that PHG has chosen his brother as his best man. Who else, really? The British royals are like 12-year-old me: they don’t have fwends!
Satan is probably not shivering his frozen ass cheeks off in Hell today. And Harvey Weinstein has not been seen flying over Arizona (no offense to actual pigs, they deserve better than that). So Karl Lagerfeld answered a question about #MeToo in exactly the way you’d expect Karl Lagerfeld to answer a question about #MeToo. Kunty Karl couldn’t hate the #MeToo movement more if it was a Pippa Middleton-faced fat Meryl Streep fan.
You may be thinking that Dane Cook knocked up a chick 26 years ago without knowing it, and he was recently reunited with his secret 19-year-old daughter and here they are bonding over shakes. But that 19-year-old is singer Kelsi Taylor and she and 45-year-old Dane Cook are currently doing it full-time. I see that Dane is going from being accused of stealing a comedian’s jokes (Louis C.K.) to being accused of stealing another comedian’s (Jerry Seinfeld) dating habits by doing a teenager.