Category: Dane Cook
Dane Cook Jokes About The 27-Year Age Difference Between Him And His Fiancé Kelsi Taylor In New Comedy Special
When Dane Cook first started dating his now 23-year-old fiancé, Kelsi Taylor, she was 19 years old. Pictures of her with her 27-year-older boyfriend were… uncomfortable to experience, but time ticks on and now she’s 23, and he’s 50 years old which is still 27 years older than her. But hey, while some may be creeped out to know that this middle-aged man is engaged to a woman he met as a teenager, he thinks it’s hilarious! In his new special, Dane jokes about how old he is compared to his once-teen-girlfriend. Love that! I have no joke for this–I mean, who would expect Dane Cook to have shame?
50-Year-Old Dane Cook Is Engaged To His 23-Year-Old Girlfriend Of 5 Years
It’s time for everybody’s favorite subject: math! If Dane Cook is 50, and he just proposed to his girlfriend of 5 years, 23-year-old Kelsi Taylor, has this relationship always been legal? Hmmm… multiply by 6, divide by 6, subtract 5, carry the 1… OK, the answer is technically YES, but it’s still categorically icky. Nevertheless, snide congratulations are in order.
Dane Cook Isn’t Too Bothered About Being 27 Years Older Than His Girlfriend
What can I tell you about Dane Cook that his smug face doesn’t already scream? For example, his face just screams “my girlfriend is barely legal!” and “I buy all my t-shirts one size too small on purpose!”, both of which are entirely true statements. Good job, Dane’s face. You hit the nail on the head. Dane’s face, via his fingers, recently did some more talking on Instagram. Dane conducted an Instagram Story Q&A, which is a thing now I guess, and answered some questions about his relationship with girlfriend Kelsi Taylor who is 27 years his junior. Dane talked about how they met, and how it feels to be a cradle robbing Lothario.
Awwww, What A Sweet Picture Of A Cool Dad Bonding With His Teenage Daughter. Oh, Wait….
You may be thinking that Dane Cook knocked up a chick 26 years ago without knowing it, and he was recently reunited with his secret 19-year-old daughter and here they are bonding over shakes. But that 19-year-old is singer Kelsi Taylor and she and 45-year-old Dane Cook are currently doing it full-time. I see that Dane is going from being accused of stealing a comedian’s jokes (Louis C.K.) to being accused of stealing another comedian’s (Jerry Seinfeld) dating habits by doing a teenager.
Introducing, The New Avril Lavigne And Chad Kroeger…
The CDC has just issued a CODE RED and an expert team that handles biological threats has been put on 24-hour call, because if this rumor is true, who knows what kind of flesh-eating diseases and creatures will be unleashed on the world from Miley Cyrus licking on Dane Cook’s dick with her smegma-covered tongue.
Just a couple of months ago, Miley Cyrus was “caught” by the paps finger fucking and making out with Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. Well, a source tells UsWeekly that Miley’s finger may also be butt banging every early-aughts frat boy’s favorite comedian Dane Cook. 22-year-old Miley and 44-year-old Dane have been friends for a few years and they’ve apparently taken things from “friends” to “hump buddies.” Let’s all put on Hazmat suits and hold each other, because I know we’re all scared right now. Dane did not confirm or deny this terrifying news when E! asked him about it. He only said this:
“I’m always the last to know these things. Just let Miley know that I’ll pick her up for dinner at 8.”
I read that as an “eating out” joke and that means they’re totally fucking. I blame Mickey Mouse’s evil ass. Because it feels like everything Miley does, she does to prove to us that she’s no longer that squeaky clean, wholesome Disney star. When she rubbed her raw chicken paillard ass against Robin Thicke, we all said, “Okay, we get it.” When she posted pictures of her dyed cotton candy pube bush, we all said, “You’re edgy. Got it.” But now she’s gone TOO far by fucking Dane Cook. It’s all fun, games and cock until an all-powerful fast-mutating strain is created and destroys us all. Isn’t this how The Strain started?
Pic: Instagram
Dane Cook Has Boned Hundreds Of Groupies, So Says Dane Cook
“Pfft, amateur slut!” – Wilt Chamberlain’s ghost
The John Mayer of comedians and the huge movie star that never was, Dane Cook, was on Watch What Happens Live last night and that shifty Siamese Cat Andy Cohen played one of those games he plays to get famous types to spill shit about themselves or other famous types. During the game, called Cheese Dane-ish, Andy asked the forever frat boy a question and if Dane refused to spit out an answer, CNN’s Candy Crowley had to fill his mouth with cheese. Since Dane answered every question, he never got a shot of cheese to the mouth, so every groupie who has sucked him off can’t say, “Now he knows how we feel!”
Anyway, Andy asked Dane who the most overrated comedian is and it took him a few seconds before he queefed out, “Gallagher.” Dane’s worst screen kiss was with Kate Hudson because she ate onions beforehand. Typical of Dane to put it on Kate. It wasn’t Kate who stank like onions. It was Dane and it wasn’t from eating onions. Andy’s third question for Dane was about working with his ex-piece Jessica Simpson on Employee of the Month. Andy asked, “What was the dumbest thing she said on set?” Dane’s answer, “She said one day, ‘Are we making a movie?’”
And for the fourth question, Andy asked the human Summer’s Eve bottle how many groupie chochas have been touched by his Cook cock. His answer is a shock to no one:
“In my younger days, I would say, a few hundred.”
That number seems low, honestly. Back in the Golden Age of Dane Cook, college girls were tingling their clits off over him and he probably couldn’t open his mouth without a tongue going in.
You know, since we’re talking about Dane Cook and sex…. Dane looks like the kind of dude you’d have to hold your breath while making out with because he stinks like barf and beer. He’s probably the kind who burps during oral (giving and getting), farts when he cums and keeps his socks on the whole time.
With that being said, yes, yes I would.
Here’s the clip of Dane on WWHL last night. I see he traded in “fucking groupies” for “fucking his face with Botox needles.”