Courtney Stodden Explains Courtney Stodden

Here’s Courtney Stodden telling everyone everything they need to know about Courtney Stodden while teaching the children how to get famous in one simple step. Wow is right.

Source: dqdbpb via College Humor & Buzzfeed

This Cross-Dressing, Meth-Dealing, Sex Shop-Owning Catholic Priest Knows How To Party

I’ve only been to confession a couple of times and not once did the priest end our session by saying, “Say ten Hail Marys and before you go in peace, would like to buy some meth?” I feel so cheated.

I’ve been waiting for the Global Catholic Network to get into scripted television and now here’s the perfect plot for their first dramedy. Monsignor Kevin Wallin, former pastor at St. Augustine’s Cathedral in Bridgeport, CT, was charged earlier this month for being part of a nationwide drug ring. The CTPost (via JMG) says that Msgr. Kevin was indicted on six charges and he could face a life sentence if convicted. St. Augustine’s issued a statement saying that they are “shocked,” but that they stand by him and are ready to help him through this difficult time. But the fuckery doesn’t stop there. This isn’t just your regular old-fashioned Catholic priest turned meth dealer story.

Msgr. Kevin resigned as pastor of St. Augustine’s two years ago due to “health and personal problems.” “Health and personal problems” is just Catholic priest talk for “getting caught with legal dick up your ass, ” because the CTPost says that he was forced to resign after the church found out that he was fucking “odd-looking” cross dressers in the rectory while wearing women’s clothes. (More like fucking in the rectumory.) Church officials also found sex toys in Msgr. Kevin’s room. They suspended him and continued to pay him a stipend all the way up until he was arrested for selling meth.

After Msgr. Kevin left the church, he continued to sell meth and at his peak, he was making $9,000 a week. He used some of that money to open up a sex shop in North Haven called Land of Oz. Investigators believe that he used the store to launder the thousands of dollars he made in selling meth. Msgr. Kevin still kept in contact with officials from the Catholic church and he used to go see musicals with his mentor, former N.Y. Cardinal Edward Egan and parishioners

A rep for the Diocese said:

“We had no indication he had a drug problem and never had complaints regarding him and drugs. We approached him and he admitted he was struggling a bit and shortly after that he resigned (July 2011) and the bishop granted him a sabbatical.

The rep went on to say, “And at least he wasn’t raping underage boys. That’s a first!“

So to recap: Msgr. Kevin is a meth-addicted, drug-dealing former Catholic priest who hollered out show tunes while getting butt banged by a cross dresser in the rectory. Walter White seriously has nothing on this bitch! If priests told stories like this during mass, I’d be in church every single night. Hell, I’d be in church right now. These are the kind of stories I want to hear.

When the CTPost asked one of St. Augustine’s parishioners for a quote, she said, “There is an evil invading our world and it has come to our church.”

Well, somebody’s jealous that Msgr. Kevin looks sexier than she does in a pink négligée.

And Here’s That Picture Of Dina Lohan With The Busted Eye (Allegedly) Given To Her By Michael Lohan

Yesterday, The New York Daily News published an EXCLUSIVO interview with White Oprah where she said that Lindsay Lohan gained her amazing ability to fuck up constantly by watching her ass wart of a father abuse her mother. It was just another feel good family story from the Lohans! As White Oprah cried into a check from the NYDN that read, “Pay To The Order Of: White Oprah Memo: EXCLUSIVO interview,” she told them that she decided to come out about being abused and raped by Michael Lohan after Lindsay Lohan told her to. LiLo told White Oprah that she must tell her story after seeing a picture of her with a welt on her eye, and now Entertainment Tonight has magically gotten a hold of that picture.

ET has an entire gallery of pictures of White Oprah’s vintage bruised up face throughout the years. Michael Lohan still claims that he never beat up White Oprah and he claims that she got the bruise in the picture above after he defended himself from her attacking him with an ice tray. “She attacked me with an ice tray” is the new “she ran into my fist.” I’m sure it won’t be long before Michael Lohan sells a picture of the ice tray White Oprah attacked with him with to The Insider.

Two quick things: a young White Oprah looks like what The Curious Case of Ali Lohan would’ve looked like in her 20s if her shit parents didn’t replace her innocence and youth with silicone and diet pills. And before Lindsay Lohan’s shit parents watered her daily with liquid meth and milk of delusion, she was an adorable baby. An adorable baby who always had a look on her face like she was searching for the nearest exit. If only she found that exit.

Here’s LiLo going to read Mother Goose stories to orphans in London last night (aka going to a club to drink her lips off).

OctoGROSS

What’s grosser than gross? No it’s not a joke, it’s this story I came across about Octomom. It’s disgusting enough that she forces us to think about her and sex at the same time with all of her nasty videos and Howard Stern appearances and pole dancing and other vomit inducing shit. But this story that I hope to hell is not true is, incredibly, far more disturbing than any of that stuff.

According to TMZ, a couple of her old nannies are throwing out allegations of child sexual abuse. Not that she abused her children, but that she allowed one of her boys to take one of her girls to the side where the nannies said he would touch her inappropriately. The nannies say that Octomom never tried to stop it, acted like it was no big deal, and they go on to talk about other neglect and abuse that they witnessed. Stay down, breakfast, stay down.

Octo says that the nannies are lying and I say HOLY FUCK I FUCKING HOPE SO. Ugh. All I know is if I ever want to abuse some kids, I’m taking my ass to Cali. CPS should just move the whole family into their facility so they can save themselves all the trips.

Mimi Tells Barbara That Nicki Threatened To Cap Her, Nicki Goes Crazy On Twitter

“Daaaaaaahling, that bleak Fraggle wants to shoot me up…” is what Mimi cooed into her ivory princess telephone while talking to Barbara Walters this morning and Barbara Walters repeated it on The View. American Idol’s producer Nigel Lythgoe denied away to TMZ that Nicki Minaj threatened to put a bullet in Mimi after their tussle of words during judging, but Mimi told Barbara that rumor is true.

Mimi told Barbara that several Idol crew members told her that seconds after the fight, Nicki said, “If I had a gun, I would shoot this bitch,” while walking off set. Mimi doesn’t feel comfortable emotionally or physically, so she’s commissioned a bedazzled bullet-proof vest, is having bullet-stopping weave tracks put in and has hired more bodyguards. Okay, only the last part is true. According to Mimi, after the fight, Nicki hugged her, said she loved her and said they’d probably fight again. Mimi told Nicki that they will not be fighting again, but the butterfly unicornie princess better brace herself, because they will be fighting again.

Nicki is losing her mind all over her Twatter and is going after Mimi, Barbara and everybody else. Bitch is furiously stabbing at her laptop keys and is only stopping to tase a Hello Kitty doll and munch on a lamb burger. Here’s just a few of Nicki’s insane tweets:

Ironically no camera or mic heard the gun comment tho. Lol @ the struggle. Not even the producers believed u. Say no to violence barbz.

Barbara walters didn’t reach out from our team barbz. I guess we’re too dangerous. Don’t shake if u don’t wannA get shook!!!! LmAooooooooooo

I don’t call tmz n Barbara Walters cuz I stand on my own two feet. Never needed an army. God is good. Insecurity is as cruel as the grave.

I guess it hurts 2 have the producers tell u to ur face that nicki is the best judge we’ve had since simon. Awww, poor u. Keep them lies cmn

I thought we resolved it yesterday but I see u want ur pity party to continue. So I’m bout to po dot tea.

All I do is compliment u. That’s not enuff? Ur a legend, cheer up. U don’t have to run down ur resume or feel intimidated. Shady McGrady…

Mimi is a shady drama queen for getting a lispy ole’ lady to do her dirty work and Nicki is a shady piece of trash for thinking this is some Biggie vs. Tupac shit. Nicki is just barking just to bark. But stunt or not, I still want to hear the voicemail Nigel left Simon Cowell of him sloppily jacking off to all the attention American Idol is getting.

So I’m Moving Back To Los Angeles…

In about two weeks, I’ll say goodbye to cursing at hos under my breath for walking so damn slow in front of me and I’ll say hello to cursing at a ho in the car in front of me for actually stopping at a stop sign instead of doing the slow roll like normal drivers do. Since Amanda Bynes has moved to NYC, the streets of Los Angeles are a little bit safer (not really), so it’s a good time for me to pick up my dog, bong and rubber dongs and move back for now. I’m mostly doing it because I’ve been here over 10 years and need a change, but I’m mostly doing it because I can’t resist the lure of a weed card, In-N-Out and possibly witnessing Angelyne make copies of her headshot at Kinko’s. So get out your gas masks, L.A., because here I come.

When I told one of my friends about this, he’s like, “Ewwww, aren’t you afraid you’re going to lose your NYC edginess?!” First of all, why do I have a friend that says shit like “NYC edginess”? Second of all, whatever “NYC edginess” I have I got from watching HGTV all night while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay’s bag into my eating hole, so that’s not going to change. Because when I’m in my 1-bedroom Studio City apartment (or whatever), I plan on spending my nights watching HGTV while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay’s bag into my eating hole.

But you know, maybe he’s right about this whole “moving to California” thing not being a good idea. I mean, when I’m driving down the street am I going to come in contact with shiny happy people who sing love songs for their husband while riding a bike?! That would ruin my life and is possibly a deal breaker.

One California bride spent a whole lot of time and a whole lot of energy on declaring her love for her new husband in a YouTube video that Gawker says she pimped out to the Huffington Post. Here’s the description of this vom-inducing declaration of love from YouTube:

“This surprise wedding music video was created for my husband Todd Evan Krieger in Venice Beach, California and unveiled for him at our wedding reception in Santa Fe, New Mexico.”

We should all be so lucky as to find something we love as much as this, but DAMN! Shit like this makes me want to fuck a million husbands and ruin a million marriages. This is why home wreckers do what they do. Love is a helluva drug, especially because it makes you sing out shit like “macchiatos in the hood.”

If I ever love something so much that it makes me sing shit like this on a YouTube video, please kidnap me, throw me in the trunk of your car, drive me to the airport and put me on the next flight going far, far away. Separate me and that thing I love by more than one ocean. It’s for my own good.