Steven Seagal Has Sweet, Sweet Moves

I’m about to buy a copy of Rosetta Stone Chechen just so I can learn how to say “the fuck is this?” in Chechen while watching this video of Steven Seagal dance (for lack of a better word) a traditional Chechen dance during a visit to Chechnya the other day. If they knew they were going to watch a man have a medical emergency, they would’ve never asked Steven to dance.

Steven looked like a bear in a human costume swatting bees while having a heart attack. During that dance, Steven landed a few planes, made half-a-dozen umpire calls, directed traffic and caused a lifeguard to run toward him because he looked like he was drowning in air.

But I shouldn’t be so hard on Steven, inhaling the shoe polish fumes wafting off of his goatee and head probably made him more delirious than usual.

via Guyism

And Now Amanda Bynes Claims That A Cop Slapped Her Vagina

And the messiness gets even messier. Amanda Bynes defended herself on Twitter today and said that a cop Zsa Zsa’s her chocha and lied about her throwing a bong out the window. Doesn’t the NYPD know that only Drake is allowed to commit a violent crime on her cooch? Here’s the truth according to Amanda:

Don’t believe the reports about me being arrested. It’s all lies. I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. Don’t believe any reports.

I don’t even know what to think anymore. But what I do know is that Amanda’s wig will forever be embedded into a special place in my nightmares and this entire situation has made me think of her vagina more than I’d like to. If Amanda’s telling the truth, I’m shaking my head at this shit. If Amanda’s not telling the truth, I’m shaking my head at this.

Wheelchair Jimmy, come get your girl already.

Oh, It’s Just Mimi Sexing Herself Up On A Motorcycle…

….And sexing herself up in a barn with chandeliers (????) in it.

Mimi and a cockatoo with a wave perm named Miguel released the video for their song #Beautiful (yes, the hashtag is part of the damn title) tonight and it’s classic Mimi. Mimi swats away flies while dry fapping on a bike and then she strip dances for Miguel in a fancy barn. When Mimi strip dances, she looks like a drunken calf trying to walk for the first time. The entire video kind of looks like a commercial for Crystal Light’s new line of mixes with ecstasy in them. Oh, Mimi, never stop acting like the horny butterfly you are.

A Laura Ashley Night Terror Come To Life

Kanye West had to lick Anna Wintour’s ass clean a thousand times to get that trash heap heffa Kim Kartrashian an invitation and this is what she wore. The theme of the night was “punk,” because the Costume Institute’s exhibit is Punk: From Chaos to Couture and I guess Kim thought that since she and Kanye are a couple of punk ass bitches they fit in with the theme perfectly!

I was watching the live feed of this mess, which was awkward comedy at its finest, and dumb ass Kim said that this was her idea of “punk.” It’s “romantic punk.” BITCH, my chihuahua’s swollen anal gland (I’m taking him to the groomer tomorrow, don’t worry) is more punk rock than the floral vomit she wore tonight. They should’ve thrown a plastic cover over her, because this is someone’s abuelita’s sofa.

She looks like that dusty, lumpy sofa that had your grandma has had for years and decided to finally get rid of it. So your grandma, with the help of two neighborhood boys, puts it on the curb for the garbage men to take, but they never take it. It just sits there on the curb. The dogs pee on it, the birds crap on it and it gets even lumpier from the rain. After a few weeks, your grandma finally gives in and drags it back into her house and puts it in her backyard. The only thing missing from Kim’s look is a grandma sitting on top of her.

Kanye’s alleged fuck buddy Riccardo Tisci made this for Kim and I could blow a million air kisses at his taint. He knew what he was doing and he should get the Nobel Peace Prize in SHADE for doing it!

And Here’s Reese Witherspoon’s Most Hilarious Performance Ever

To sort of quote Reese Witherspoon in this dashboard cam video from the night she was arrested for being a drunken, annoying twat, “This is beyond BEYOND….HILARIOUS!” 

The footage from the dashboard cab of Reese and her husband Jim Toth getting arrested magically landed in TMZ’s lap and they posted three videos of her shouting out priceless lines like, “I am an American citzen!” and “You’re about to find out who I am!” THIS TRASHY BITCH pulling rank! Who the hell does she think she is? Randy from South Park?

The cherry on top of this drunken, red wine-infused sundae is Jim, standing there all quiet-like, wishing he had the power to disappear. Then Jim delivers the real punchline: “I had nothing to do with that.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

These two drunk messes should take their act on the road. Only neither of them should drive. Jim seems like the type who speaks a maximum of 20 words a day and he uses seven words daily to say “I had nothing to do with that” to everybody that Reese is bitchy to.

And here’s Reese telling the cop that she needs to use the bathroom, because she’s knocked up. I guess we now know that when Laura Jeanne Poon gets drunk, her twang comes out.

And finally, here’s Jim trying to blow blow blow blow blow blow for the cop.

If Reese and Jim would’ve put their heads together and blown blown blown blown blown the cop, they wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

Jim pleaded guilty to DUI today and Reese pleaded no contest. Jim won’t go to jail, but he will have to perform 40 hours of community service. Reese has to pay a $213 fine and that’s it. I was going to say that now that night is behind them, but that’s not completely true, because these beautiful videos will live on forever and beyond.

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Photo Shoot Is This?

In the June issue of Elle UK, Miley Cyrus threw a little lukewarm hate at RiRi, Lady CaCa and the world’s brightest stars Courtney Stodden and Shauna Sand when she spat out this crap:

“A star is someone who doesn’t have to take her clothes off to be sexy because you naturally have star power. Sex does sell, but you have to find a way that’s not just showing your tits. I don’t want to be a glorified model. They just walk on stage and it’s all about their clothes – or lack of clothes.”

And now here’s Miley showing every part of her tits but the nipples in V Magazine. This must be Miley’s way of telling us that she’s not a star. We already knew that, Miley!

This anarchist chipmunk meets butch hooker photo shoot is such a mess that I actually like it. Miley is trying so hard that she doesn’t care if she splits her cooche in two by giving herself a first degree pussy wedgie. I don’t even think she cares that some of her facial expressions make her look like she just made an oopsie in her panties. If Justin Bieber got titty implants and starred in a lesbian porn parody of Tank Girl, this is what the promo pics from it would look like.

And if you see Billy Ray Cyrus stumbling around the streets and mumbling to himself in between nibbling on a piece of possum jerky, it’s because he saw these pictures and he’s so, so confused.