Octomom is dead and Nadya Suleman killed her. RIP to that crazy, drug addicted, welfare cheat who stripped and fapped her way to a buck with which to feed her 14 children. She’s not playing that character anymore. Say goodbye to that train wreck, and meet Nadya, a raw vegan exercise addict who’s writing a book that she hopes will set the record straight. Somehow, Nadya got the New York Times to do a profile on her where she claims she was “the classic victim” of the media who created the Octomom “caricature”, and of a shady doctor who tricked her into carrying 8 babies at once. What, did you think it was all because she was off her rocker? Shame on you!
In case you need a break from Golden Globes shit but not from abject fuckery, TMZ is reporting that OctoMom Nadya Suleman is being charged with three counts of felony welfare fraud and is facing five years in prison if convicted. Back in March 2013, someone supposedly tipped off authorities that Nadya was collecting welfare even though she made over $200,000. Now she’s being accused of failing to report over $30,000 in income from the first half of 2013, including residuals from her self-love diddle video. The judge is setting bail at $25,000.
The L.A. County District Attorney’s Office filed the charges, including 1 count of aid by misrepresentation, and 2 counts of perjury by false application for aid.
This bitch has already been accused of hating her kids, filing for bankruptcy, trying every filthy way she could think of to make a buck and has gone to rehab. The only thing that’s left is for her to pick 14 corners- one for each of her kids- and sit their asses down with For Sale signs around their necks. No offers less than $1,800 apiece or mama won’t be able to make bail! With that crazy ass as their mother, I’m pretty sure they’ve probably already tried to sell themselves on the black market just to get away from her.
OctoMom’s local marijuana dispensary must’ve raised their prices, because bitch is hustling hard (not really) for another quick check and her hustle game led her to posing as Oscar Angie and Tomb Raider Angie for InTouch Weekly. InTouch would’ve totally nailed this Octo as Angie photo shoot (not really, the sequel) if they Photoshopped Angie’s bulging vein of doom onto Octo’s endless forehead and replaced the deadness in Octo’s eyes with a twinkle that says, “Bring me your ripest virgin.“
Because you care, InTouch asked Octo what she does on a daily basis and she lied and said “a lot!” instead of saying “drink myself into a coma in the utility closet.”
“I do a lot! I’m a cook, a chauffeur and a nanny! [I spend] a couple hundred dollars a week on groceries. I do several loads [of laundry] every day — there’s always clothes in my washer.”
Your mind is throbbing from how fascinating this is, I know. And what does Octo think about Angie?
“I admire her. She saves children’s lives. I get that we both have a lot of kids, but I don’t think I look anything like her.”
Octo isn’t giving herself enough credit. If you took Angie and filled her with helium, more craziness and desperation, she’d look just like Octo. And yes, Angie saves children’s lives, I guess, but when is she going to save the lives of the OctoKids? Because I’m sure that while Octo was talking to InTouch, a few of the OctoKids were hitchhiking back home after she accidentally left them in the grocery store parking lot.
Somebody just keeps screwing with OctoMom’s life, because when authorities aren’t investigating her for being a drunken wreck who loses her kids, she’s being investigated for cheating taxpayers out of money. TMZ says that somebody tipped off the authorities about Octo’s shady ways. They told officials at the L.A. County Dept. of Welfare Fraud Prevention and Investigation that Octo is collecting welfare even though she’s not eligible since she made $200,000 last year.
The fame whore business is obviously the business to be in, because Octo allegedly made all that money from banging herself in the most tragic fap porn ever, stripping, making appearances and whoring her child army out. Before she was making all that money, Octo went on welfare to help her to put food in the mouths of all 14 of her kids. Since Octo has 15 mouths to feed including her own, she’s eligible for public assistance if she makes less than $119,000 a year. If the person who snitched her out is telling the truth, then she’s way over the limit and is breaking laws.
Investigators have launched an investigation and have already talked to people around Octo. If they find out that she did commit welfare fraud and she’s convicted of it, she could get up to 3 years in the clink.
$200,000 is a lot of coins, but it’s not a lot of coins when you have to take care of 14 screaming kids who are constantly screaming at you to put food in their stomach bags. If I lived in one house with that many children, I would spend every cent of that $200,000 on booze, weed and black market anti-depressants. I know this crazy bitch did to herself, but damn.
What Octo needs to do is rent out her child army. If you know someone who is having unprotected sex and isn’t ready to be a parent, pay Octo $200 to let them live with her child army for one day. It’ll be like Planned Parenthood’s answer to Scared Straight. Their baby making parts will be scared into never wanting to produce a human ever. Octo will make a quick $200, she won’t have to pay a babysitter, she can stop abusing the welfare system and that person you know who isn’t ready to be a parent will never have sex again! It’s a win/win for everyone.
Or Octo can just admit that she committed welfare fraud and gladly go to prison where she can smoke contraband weed and inject dish soap into her lips.
TMZ has a video from last year of an obviously plastered OctoMom cackling like a hyena on helium in a hotel room before checking herself into rehab. In the video, OctoMom is losing whatever mind she has left and going full Taylor Armstrong by hysterically laughing while rolling around on the bed. It’s like something you’d find in one of the rooms at the dance academy in Suspiria. It’s a nightmare. Shortly after that video was shot, OctoMom checked herself into rehab, checked out and told everyone she was one hundred percent clean. But apparently, she isn’t.
TMZ says that OctoMom has traded her love of pills for her love of weed. Octo got her weed card and has been toking up all day, every day. Octo’s friends say that smoking the good shit has opened up the beast and she’s acting insane again. They’re afraid that if she’s always high, she won’t be able to take care of her child army. Last month, Octo’s crazy ass called her son’s school in a panic, because he didn’t make it home and she was convinced the bus didn’t drop him off. The school talked to the bus driver who said that he saw Octo pick her son up from the bus stop with his own eyes. The good shit must’ve eaten away the part of her brain that controls her short-term memory, because ho forgot about picking her son up from the bus stop. He was in his room the entire time.
That shit reminds me of that hilariously sad moment on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when Taylor Armstrong didn’t know where her daughter was. A drunk as shit Taylor called up Kyle to say that she couldn’t come to the unveiling of Kim’s nose, because some rich dude was taking her on an overnight trip. Kyle was taking care of Taylor’s daughter Kennedy at the time, so she asked, “So I guess I’ll just keep Kennedy overnight.” Taylor then said something like, “Oh, she’s with you?” The dumb bitch didn’t know where her daughter was!
Obviously, Taylor and OctoMom should open up a daycare center together.
If I had 14 kids to feed, clothe and take care of, I’d have a weed mask permanently strapped to my face and I’d lose them all the time. A week wouldn’t go by without me saying, “Hey, where’s #12? I left him back at the supermarket? Ugh, I’m not going to drive all the way back there. He’ll be fine, it’s about time he make it on his own anyway.” But that’s why I don’t have 14 kids!
Gina B (not to be confused with Gina G) the nanny who used to work for OctoMom and said that she gets drunk on vodka and cranberry juice all the time, is spilling more secrets and this one I didn’t need to know. I’m passing it on to you, because we will suffer and scrub the sucio images out of our brain with a rusty Chore Boy together!
OctoMom said a couple of months ago that the older members of her child army sort of know that the food she put on their table came from her tickling her twat on camera. Well if Gina is telling the truth, then at least one of Octo’s mom kids not only knows about the video, he’s seen it with his own eyes. (“So that’s why he always runs away screaming from the cafeteria when it’s open-faced meat lasagna day” said OctoMom’s son’s teacher.)
TMZ says that back in June, Gina ratted out Octo to Child Protective Services after finding out that the 11-year-old OctoKid was watching porn on his phone and it wasn’t just any porn, it was his mom’s porn. Octo somehow found out that her 11-year-old son was watching her scratch cat in her debut porn movie and asked Gina to block the site from his phone. Gina couldn’t block the site from his phone, because Octo wouldn’t give her the password to it. Octo apparently handled the situation herself by telling her son to stay away from porn.
Walking in on your parents doing stuff that you never want to see them doing is scarring enough, so I can only image the emotional scars that are left on your soul when you watch a video of your mom doing that to herself. That 11-year-old kid just won a free pass to do whatever the hell he wants.
Cop: So, I pulled you over, because there’s five bloody limbs hanging out of your trunk, you were driving 150 mph in a stolen car, you mowed down a litter of kittens, your backseat is filled with weed you stole from a medical marijuana dispensary, you reek of a Lohan and worst of all, you’re blasting a Carly Rae Jepsen song.
OctoKid: My mom is OctoMom and I watched her porn when I was 11.
Cop: Have a good night, sir. Drive safe. Do you need a police escort to the strip club?
And obviously, Octo should take away his phone and use the money to pay for daily, intensive hypnotherapy sessions.