Amanda Bynes Has To Look Beautiful At All Times, Thankyouverymuch

Amanda Bynes is doing “amazing” and if you’re wondering what your definition of “amazing” is, just press play on that mess of a video above and you’ll have it. Amanda not only got those talon ass nails attached to the tips of her fingers, because sometimes she likes to fly over lakes and catch fish. Amanda also got them, because when she’s not having a beauty moment and a pap gets a picture of her face, she shanks out their blood with her nails. It’s the Freddy Krueger way of saying, “Excuse my beauty.“

Entertainment Tonight has this strange as John Travolta licking a clit video of Amanda and a paparazzo  fighting back and forth while he tried to get pictures of her. Amanda started posing, but then she suddenly crashed into him like she was a BMW and he was any car on the road, because she has to always look beautiful (too easy) at all times and wanted him to delete a bunch of pictures. They go at it for a while until it ends with Amanda allegedly stabbing him with her razors nails and him screaming at her to let him go while she’s standing practically 10 blocks away.

I know I’ve said it before, but I kept waiting for Casey Affleck to yell “CUT” before a taco truck pulled up for a lunch break between shooting scenes. The only thing missing is a Universal Studios tour bus full of tourists, because this mess looks so staged that I’m assuming it was shot on a backlot. When are we going to get to the scene where “Amanda” pulls off her “Amanda Bynes” rubber mask and it’s Andy Kaufman underneath who screams, “I’m alive and I got you this time!“

Two Lindsay Lohan Crashes In One Post!

Below is surveillance video of Lindsay Lohan allegedly knocking some dude’s knee cap out with her Porsche SUV. The video is blurry, confusing and you can’t really tell what’s going on in reality, so basically it’s like looking through Lindsay Lohan’s coke eyes. You can sort of see LiLo graze the dude before he runs after her. It doesn’t even look like Blohan’s dumb ass hit him, but she should still be strung up and forced to serve several life sentences for the crash going on in the trailer above.

Lifetime released the first trailer for Liz & Dick and I think we should all be thanking the gods above, because Christmas has been moved up to November this year. This is truly a gift to us all. Future historians will call this the biggest disaster to happen on American soil in 2012. If I put a Cleopatra wig on my asshole and painted cat eyes on it, it would look and act more like Elizabeth Taylor than LiLo does. Hell, it would sound more like La Liz than La Lindz does. The wigs! The voice! The EVERYTHING! I haven’t been this excited about a pile of shit since my last enema. This mess is going to be glorious.