Simon Cowell Is No Longer “The Mean One”

The titty semen that dripped out of Simon Cowell’s succulent nipples after reuniting with his soulmate Paula Abdul weren’t the only drops of liquid that were shed at the X-Factor auditions in L.A. yesterday. Yesterday was the first day Simon Cowell, L.A. Reid, Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul sat at the judge’s table together. And apparently, a new dream crushing asshole monster was born and made Simon Cowell seem every shade of nice by comparison. The Hollywood Reporter says that every letter the post office gets that’s addressed to “The Devil” will now be forwarded to L.A. Reid.

L.A. didn’t waste any time in showing his cunt colors and he had a little help from the audience. You see, contestants have to audition in front of an audience who have been told to BOO a bitch when necessary. Yup, the #itgetsbetter project will now switch its focus to helping bullied and rejected X-Factor contestants.

A source says that the second auditioner of the day was a 52-year-old woman who started to sing “Wind Beneath My Wings” before Paula told her to do something different. Simon told her to sing “Hero” but the woman went with some Martina McBride song instead. And that’s when the cunts started to bite. From The Hollywood Reporter:

The audience, who had been encouraged by Cowell before auditions started to express their opinions about the auditioners, started booing and yelling “next!”

She then said she would sing “Hero” but instead switched back to “Independence Day.”

“I’d finish one,” Abdul told her. “You’ve got 10 seconds, pick the song you want.”

The audience started counting back from 10 and then booed throughout her entire performance.

The aspiring singer prompted harsh criticism, especially from Reid.

“When was the last time you performed? Eighteen years ago?” Reid asked. “Whatever made you stop then, you should’ve stuck with that decision.”

That was arguably harsher than Cowell’s take: “It’s very brave, and I don’t mean this disrespectfully, but you’re someone who should be singing at home.”

So if you ever want your soul crushed in 5-seconds or less and all the spots at the local junior high school talent show are filled, just audition for X-Factor!

But for real, one of the reasons why I hardly watch American Idol anymore is because they are too nice. It’s unnatural. Even their criticisms are wrapped in fluffy pink cream. If a reality show judge can’t tell you that you fucking suck, who can (answer: an abuelita)?! That is why L.A. Reid sounds like a breath of fresh bitch air. Besides, I doubt the woman heard L.A. Reid’s comment since she was too busy fearing that the crazed Day-Glo lion staring at her would leap from the judge’s table and attack her ass.

Nicole Scherzinger Got A Ho Fired

Nicole Scherzinger of the legendary girl group Eden’s Crush and British presenter Steve Jones (on the right) were both confirmed as the hosts of X-Factor US, but apparently the latter wasn’t Simon Cowell’s first choice. Deadline says that Simon originally gave the job to Corbin Bleu of High School Musical, but I guess Nicole Scherminger wanted to stand next to a dude with a little more fur on his nipples because she pulled a glorious cunt move by sending him to the back of the unemployment line. Deadline has the hilarious story of how Nicole delivered a swift bitch kick to Corbin’s reality show dreams.

Cowell told me recently he wants a known female performer and a young Hollywood actor to co-host. His initial picks were 32-year-old former head Pussycat Doll and ABC’s Dancing With the Stars standout Nicole Scherzinger, always his first choice to host, and Corbin Bleu, the 22-year-old African-American co-star of the High School Musical franchise. With both talents able to sing and dance, the possibilities for their hosting seemed myriad. But, according to an insider, at their first meeting, “Nicole walked in and saw Corbin and his baby face and asked, ‘What are you, 15?’ And then she walked out.” So, just like that, Bleu was nixed. Instead, veteran UK emcee Steve Jones was flown in for an audition, and insiders say he had “chemistry” with Scherzinger. So now he’s a done deal for the gig.

It really says a lot about this country’s current job situation when a Pussycat Doll has hiring and firing power. That said, X-Factor is still a few months away from premiering, but Nicole Scherminger is already showing promise as my favorite. The biggest diva bitch move Ryan Seacrest pulled was throwing a tantrum on the train track rug in his dressing room after somebody moved the step stool under his bathroom sink, and Nicole Scherminger is already getting hos fired!

Nicole better not get too carried away, though. Fox can easily replace her with Maya Rudolph as Nicole Scherzinger and nobody would notice. Actually, scratch that. Everybody would notice six seconds after realizing that Nicole Scherzinger is suddenly more interesting than foam on an ass crack.

And in other X-Factor news, PAULA ABDUL AND SIMON COWELL’S REUNION IS CONFIRMED!!! Paula will be the fourth judge next to Cheryl Cole, Simon and L.A. Reid. I’m so happy I could slap a peach!

Rambling times are here again! Because of Paula Abdul’s incoherent rants and the extra thick accents of Cheryl Cole and Steve Jones, Fox better leave some cash in the budget for subtitles.

Paula Abdul Was Held Hostage In A Speeding Car!

I think… But I’m not sure what kind of series of events led to National (pharmaceutical association) treasure Paula Abdul shaking, screaming and crying into the ear of a 911 operator on Valentine’s Day afternoon in Santa Barbara, CA. TMZ got a hold of a clip of Paula having a passenger seat meltdown and claiming that her boyfriend won’t pull over and let her out of the car. Listen to it here and then we’ll discuss.

Police officers visited Paula’s house an hour later, and she told them it was just a huge verbal fight and she wasn’t interested filing a police report. Paula’s rep said: “Arguments with loved ones are often times heated. After the call was made everything was worked out.”

Paula is FREAKING the fuck out in that tape and her rep didn’t say what made her so upset, but I’m thinking the reason has to be one of the following:

1. Paula’s boyfriend is a fellow crazy and on the abusive side (let’s hope it’s not this one).
2. Paula boyfriend fired her from the next Bratz movie.
3. Paula is shooting the sequel to The Chase with Charlie Sheen and she really got into character.
4. Paula’s OnStar malfunctioned and wouldn’t unlock her door.
5. One of Paula’s recurring acid (or morphine) flashbacks came back to haunt her and she was actually sitting on her bed with her dogs sleeping below (they wouldn’t move).

Even though it doesn’t make any sense, I’m going to say it’s a little of number 4 and a little of number 5.

America’s Favorite Little Pill Popper Returns To American Idol!

For me this season of American Idol was like that fuck buddy who is the laziest lay and takes years to cum, but you always call them up on a Saturday night when you’re feeling the itch because you know they’re always around and ready to go. I tried to get into that shit. I sucked my bong until it was filled with tumbleweeds while watching it, but even that didn’t work. Something was missing….and that something was every pharmaceutical executive’s wet dream girl Paula Abdul!

How could I deal with Ellen Degeneres (aka the nail in the coffin) blinking like a brain dead bunny with Tourettes without Paula Abdul there to get me contact high? But Paula returned to the Idol stage last night after the producers left a trail of Ludes from her bathroom to the studio! Paula showed up in Skat Cat jammies, but the costumers were able to throw a dress together using some scraps found in Crystal Bowersox’s dreads and a few pasties from Simon Cowell’s dressing room. Speaking of Simon, he is the sole reason for why Paula dragged herself out of the pill bottle last night.

It was Simon’s last episode and Paula gave a touching farewell speech that you could only understand if you put an empty whiskey bottle up the screen and put your ear to it. At one point, I thought Paula was going to go off script and start telling off all the producers who evicted her from the show. I thought it was going to be one of those “YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM IS” moments which would lead to two men in white coats (Ruben and Justin Guarini, because they need the money) rushing on stage and injecting her with a strong sedative (aka Kara Dioshutthefuckup’s saliva).

Sadly, that didn’t happen, but Paula still managed to put together an incoherent rambling mess of a goodbye monologue. Watch it below. By the way, the video is totally in synch with the audio. It’s Paula’s mouth and words that are not in synch:

As for the rest of the episode, it was like the worst Jerry Lewis telethon ever complete with sickly kids (I’m looking at you, Archuleta). Some dude named Lee DeWyze won that shit. Lee is like the mulch you get when you leave David Cook and Kris Allen in your backyard compost pile for a few months, so at least Idol is consistent with their winners.

Personally, I wanted Crystal to win, only because she looks like Taylor Swift’s crazy aunt who lives in a mobile home behind a Piggly Wiggly and is always going on about her magic stones. That aunt who is always begging Taylor to buy her 100 lottery tickets, because she saw the winning numbers in the toilet while trying to make sure she’s shitting out banana-shaped poops.

So that’s that. I’m telling myself that the entire season was just a horrific nightmare Paula Abdul had while she was in a Vicodin-induced coma. If you pan out, you’ll see Vincent the Dog lying next to her.

Boo! Hiss! Boo!

We’re NOT going to have a party this Friday night, because there really is no reason to celebrate now that we know Paula Abdul isn’t going to host the Star Search reboot. Ed McMahon can cancel those coffin rolling lessons, because his legacy is preserved…for now.

A source tells E! News that Paula and ABC were thisclose to closing the Star Search deal. Apparently, Paula and ABC just couldn’t agree to the terms of her contract and so they both stepped away from the table. Actually, ABC was waiting for her to sign the contract, but Paula got distracted by something shiny in the corner so she dropped her pen and went to play that. By the way, the shiny thing in the corner was Simon Cowell’s nipple. Speaking of…

Paula is still talking to Simon about possibly being a judge on The X-Factor.

Paula Abdul Is The New Ed McMahon (Maybe)

Ever since the new season of American Idol started, it just hasn’t been the same for me without the incoherent ramblings from the heavily medicated Vicodin angel known as Paula Abdul. Well, there’s a good chance that Paula Abdul will be slobbering all over a stage soon!

Michael Ausiello at EW is saying that Paula is in talks with ABC to host and possibly judge a new reboot of Star Search. This is fitting since Paula Abdul spends most of her days trying to catch the imaginary stars that appear around her after she’s had a couple of “sweet teas.”

Last summer, ABC tried to lure Paula by leaving a trail of ludes from her house to the Dancing with the Stars studio, but she didn’t fall for it then. ABC is hoping that the Star Search job is good enough to get Paula to their corner. The new Star Search is supposed to premiere this Summer and it will probably die a fast death a week later.

Paula Abdul’s craziness aside, I know the reboot of Star Search sounds like the second coming of the Hindenburg, but I just have one word for you: SPOKESMODELS! That shit was like a Livelinks commercial, a Barbizon fashion show, a G-rated Playboy video and a Glamour Shots photo shoot rolled into one! We need more of this in our lives: