Open Post: Hosted By The Pussycat Dolls’ Return Performance

Just last week, the Pussycat Dolls announced that they were reuniting for a little tour in the UK. Well, they’re here. That was not a long wait at all. They made their grand return to UK television on X-Factor: Celebrity where they shook their asses, flipped their hair, and even got water dropped on them. Throw in a gay ginger dude shouting, “Thrust it!”, and I’m totally onboard.

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Khloe Kardashian Is Out Of A Job

Pimp Mama Kris’ mighty pimp hand will be busy slapping Khloe Kardashian up and down the ho stroll today, because her fourth biggest money maker (behind Kanye, Kim and Lamar) has been fired from The X-Factor. The New York Post says that Hazmat has been called to the studio where X-Factor shoots to deodorize the fame whore stench left by a Kartrashian, because she is never coming back into the building again. A source says that Khloe will follow Brit Brit and L.A. Reid out the exit door. Mario Lopez is staying. Hosting coach Marki Costello tells the Post that she’s not surprised that Fox sent Khloe back to the ho stroll:

“I am sure there was a big percentage of Khloe’s fans who followed her to ‘X Factor. But at the end of the day, when she doesn’t know what she is doing, are you helping your show or hurting it? It was really hard for me to watch Mario with her. It made me, as a viewer, almost uncomfortable.”

This isn’t surprising to anybody, because Khloe was about as stiff as the boner Mario Lopez gets when he looks in the mirror, she couldn’t read a teleprompter and her delivery was so plastic and unnatural that she made Kim look like an actual breathing human being who feels real emotions. If they’re keeping Mario, they should’nt even bother replacing Khloe’s ass, because every co-host will be outshined by the most talented and gloriously gorgeous host in the universe: Mario Lopez. The only co-host that can keep up with Mario Lopez is a Mario Lopez hologram. That’s what they should do. They should let Mario co-host with Mario. Yes, Mario won’t be able to control himself and he’ll try to butt fuck his hologram during the live shows, but that will be the most entertaining thing to come out of X-Factor.

And Simon better pour wolf piss all over his backyard, because if he doesn’t, Khloe will gallop down the hill, hop over his fence and come for him.

Brit Brit Quits The X-Factor (Translation: They Dropped Her Ass)

TMZ says that after one full season of saying the same 12 words (I’m being generous) while doing what she loves most, sitting down, Brit Brit is actually going to stand up from her judge’s chair on The X-Factor and strut away. (Or Daddy Spears and Jason Trainwreck are going to put wheels on the bottom of her chair and wheel her away so she doesn’t have to stand up. That’s what they’re going to do.)

There was a rumor last week that Simon Cowell and Fox didn’t want to renew Brit Brit’s contract, but TMZ heard (cut to Harvey Levin having a Piggly Wiggly soup can phone conversation with a great big box of human grits that may or may not have been Daddy Spears) that she’s the one who is breaking up with them. TMZ’s source said that Brit Brit “loves working with Simon” and “likes Demi” (read: barely knows she exists), but that she wants to focus on making music. Brit Brit is working on an album right now with Will.i.cant and Hit-Boy, and when it’s done she wants to move her mouth and barely wave her arms in a world tour.

Fox gave Brit Brit 15 million bags of Andy Capp’s Hot Fries (that’s $15 million to you and me) to judge bitches who sing better than her on The X-Factor, because they thought it would pull ratings up. It didn’t. Ratings actually dropped. Fox is probably the one who cut the strings, because there’s no way Daddy Spears would turn down another dump truck full of easy money. All he had to do was sit on the side and gently yank on her leash whenever she started to get the sleepies while judging. $15 million buys a lot of boxes of Velveeta, so Daddy Spears would never say no to that.

And I think X-Factor should keep it in the Spears family and replace Brit Brit with London Spears. That bitch needs a comeback.

And The Stunts Begin….

It’s been a quick millisecond since the X-Factor started filming in Austin, TX and STUNT QUEEN extraordinaire Simon Cowell is already pulling out the tricks. TMZ says that Brit Brit played the quit this bitch card by leaving the judge’s table, because she was upset that a contestant on stage slowly murdered her “Hold It Against Me.” Yeah, I didn’t know it was humanly possible for a ho to make that song sound any worse than it really does. Brit Brit is the only bitch allowed to butcher her songs! So she stormed backstage right after she asked her conservators and three local judges for permission to do so. But she still did it! The perfect commercial break cliffhanger! Will Brit Brit come back? Is she backstage shaving her weave off with one hand while umbrella-ing a production assistant in the dick with the other? Will the audience’s bulging and shocked eyeballs ever retreat into their sockets? Will Simon Cowell ever stop deviously patting his hairy chest muffins while cackling over how much attention this mess is getting.

TMZ says that a few contestants auditioned before Brit Brit finally came back to her seat. Some people on Twitter say that it wasn’t even that much of a Norma Desmond moment and Brit Brit just took a quick break from judging. They said she eventually came back to the judge’s table.

Hold up. Brit Brit took a break while all the other judges sat there? I know what kind of break that was. It was an “unleash the prairie dog” kind of break. Bitch broke it off right over the toilet. Forget the match, somebody light a torch (or a lighter in front of a can of AquaNet will do). That’s what happens when Brit Brit eats a Snickers and Doritos sandwich before showtime.

Brit Brit’s X-Factor Rider Reads Exactly The Way You’d Expect It To Read

Correction: It’s not totally what I expected. That headline is a liar. I expected to see a gigantic tub (made of Cheetos powder and bacon glue) full of Fresca and buttered popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellies in there. Maybe she’s saving that for the live shows.

Seen here looking like a scared kindergarten on picture day who was told to keep her hands to herself, Brit Brit started her first day as judge on The X-Factor in Austin, TX today. Before the Louisiana trailer park blossom judges bitches who have more natural singing talent than she does, she has to fill her belly bag with fried chicken, Doritos and Diet Coke stew. Something called Look Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) says these are Brit Brit’s dressing room demands:

34 Herve Leger bandage dresses
12 Snickers bars
6 cases of Diet Coke
10 bags of Doritos
12 vases of magnolias
10 pieces of fried chicken
4 pints of tater salad
1 manicurist, 1 facialist and 1 massage therapist

The manicurist is there to scrub the Doritos smemga out of her nail gutters. The facialist is there pick the pieces of fried chicken dingles off of her cheeks. And the massage therapist is there to knead out the doody knot that’s in her ass from eating all that shit. But seriously, that list is actually pretty tame for Brit Brit. You’d think she’d force them to move a Circle K into her trailer. It’s a sad day when Brit Brit is eating fried chicken and a Snickers for lunch instead of sucking off a gas station nacho cheese dispenser like she did in the old days. There’s not even Velveeta grits on that list!

The WTF Factor

Brit Brit as an X-Factor judge sort of makes sense, because think of all the ad dollars from Starbucks, Frito-Lay and Taco Bell she’ll bring in, and if she goes off the script that her puppet handlers will feed into her ear during the live shows, she could be entertaining. Like watching a trailer full of blond weave tracks slowly tumble down an embankment. But Demi Lovato?! Chaka Khan practically threw herself at Simon Cowell for the job and he gives it to a trick who is probably known by most of the world as, “?????????” Hell, Chaka could’ve pulled off her hair, dropped it into the judge’s chair and it still would make a better judge than Demi Lovato. Seeing these four trollops judge a singing competition together is either going to be as awkwardly stiff as visiting your boyfriend in the mental hospital the morning after he had a nervous breakdown in a gay bar (true story) or it’s going to be a glorious disaster.

Simon Cowell confirmed all the rumors at the FOX Upfronts in NYC today by officially announcing Brit Brit and Demi as Paul Abdul and Nicole Scherwhatever’s replacements. Brit Brit’s conservators will make $15 million from this and maybe give her a $20 a week as allowance. Demi will probably be paid in a validated parking pass and a $5 lunch voucher for the cafeteria.

In all seriousness, we shouldn’t be surprised by Simon’s choices, because what do you expect from a grown man who combs his hair so it looks like he’s got a hairy butt on his head. I really hope John Travolta tries to fuck Simon’s hair.

Here’s a few pictures from Upfronts today and it’s nice to see that Brit Brit still has a special way with making a $5,000 designer dress look like some shit from Rainbow.