Naya Rivera Had A Baby

Naya Rivera (aka Santana from Glee) and her husband of a year Ryan Dorsey (aka a dude whose claim to fame is that he bareback boned and married Santana from Glee) became first-time parents on September 17th and I guess it took them a couple of weeks to try to sell the info to absolutely anybody before nobody bit and they said, fuckit, we’ll release it for free.

Naya’s rep tells People that she had a baby boy in Los Angeles. Since Naya paid plastic surgeons to Kardashian-ize her mug using rubber and soil jelly, I figured she’d take her Kim Kardashian impersonation to the next level by naming her kid something like South Dorsey Rivera or Mik Naihsadrak Dorsey Rivera. But TMZ dug up her kid’s birth certificate and this is what she and Ryan named their baby boy:

Naya and the “Justified” star just had their first kid — a boy born on September 17 — and according to the birth certificate … named him Josey.

Josey Hollis Dorsey … in full, came into the world at the ever popular celeb birth spot — Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in L.A.

JOSEY DORSEY. JOSEY DORSEY. JOSEY DORSEY.

I guess Naya and Ryan are really big fans of Clint Eastwood or they’re really big fans of a certain buff gay country singer. I kind of like the name actually, because it sounds like a tongue twister you’d say 10 times before performing a monologue during high school drama class and it also reminds me of Josie Grosey from Never Been Kissed. If Naya’s kid ever decides to legally change his name, he’s going to scream, “I’m not JOSEY DORSEY anymore!”, afterward.

Here’s a knocked up Naya and Ryan doing stuff in L.A. a couple of months ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

Luther The Anger Translator Made An Appearance At The WHCD Last Night

We already know the theme of this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner was straight-up hotness, thanks to living boner maker Jane Fonda, but just in case we needed a reminder, President Obama brought out one of the hottest characters from Key & Peele, Luther the Anger Translator. If you’ve never seen Key & Peele and have no idea what I’m talking about, Luther (played by Keegan-Michael Key) is President Obama’s anger translator and it’s his job to translate what President Obama says into yelling and rage-eyes. It’s basically the long-lost son of Coach Hines and an eight ball mixed with the before stock image from a high blood pressure pamphlet at CVS.

I wish ‘anger translator’ were an actual job, because I can think of about 12 real-life uses for one. Like every time I try to return something at Sephora and they keep pressing me for a reason. It would be real handy to have someone behind me yelling “IT GAVE ME A RASH IN A PLACE I CAN’T SHOW YOU! THERE, YOU HAPPY NOW?!”

I didn’t watch the whole WHCD because I had better things to do, ie. re-watching Super High Me and eating a box of Goo Goo Clusters, but I did catch some of it, like host Cecily Strong’s joke about Joe Biden giving a good shoulder massage (“Or as I call ’em, upstairs hand jobs. Wink!” whispered Joe Biden to whatever woman was sitting closest to him). I also saw a bit of Obama’s speech, and I guess so did Roseanne, because she pulled a Luther and went on a Twitter rant accusing him of stealing her jokes.

Here’s a bunch of the fancy-dressed famous types at the WHCD last night, including a very knocked-up, very Kardashian-in-the-face Naya Rivera, Chrissy Teigen looking like a sexy model at a goth car show, plastic feline-faced goddess Melania Trump and her partially-decomposing Christmas clementine of a husband, and Laverne Cox – as always – doing Beyonce better than Beyonce.

Pics: Splash

And Here’s Naya Rivera’s Thoughts On The Showering Habits Of Different Races

Kim Kartrashian klone Naya Rivera filled in for Whoopi Goldberg on The View today, and I guess she figured that since Whoopi wasn’t there someone had to dribble out a stream of nonsense.

The pecking hens on The View covered Buzzfeed’s piece about how us Americans bathe our asses too much and showering in hot water daily can dry out your skin and wash away good bacteria. Two dermatologists said that depending on weather and what you do with your body all day, you really just need to shower every two or three days. The dermatologists also said that if some of your parts get moist, juicy and stank, you can wipe them down with a wet towel. Nicolle Wallace said that she takes a shower three times a day. To which Naya Rivera said that she showers three times a week and then she shat up a theory about showering. When Naya Rivera says she has a theory, that’s your eye rolling muscle’s cue to stretch and get ready to roll.

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More Like “Break The Photoshop Kim Kardashian”

https://twitter.com/papermagazine/status/532335238777946112?lang=en

No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.

Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag.  That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.

Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.

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Naya Rivera Takes Her Kim Kardashian And JLo Impersonations To The Next Level

When Naya Rivera, the result of a Dollar General JLo doll and 99 Cent Store Kim Kardashian doll melting together in the sun, commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations, the bitch really commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations. Three months after she broke off her engagement to Big Sean, the swap meet Kanye to her swap meet Kim, Naya married an actor type named Ryan Dorsey in Cabo San Lucas on July 19th. Does this mean that Naya and Big Sean’s relationship was a fraud wrapped in lies wrapped in a PR stunt and she was doing this Ryan Dorsey trick behind-the-scenes the entire time?! I don’t know, but I do know that Naya is 27 years old, so she better spend her honeymoon filing annulment papers, because she needs to move onto the next husband if she wants to keep up with her face and life inspirations.

People (who can now list “Publishing those Naya Rivera wedding pictures” under charity contributions on their tax return) got the EXCLUSIVO pictures of Naya and Ryan getting one step closer to becoming divorced exes. Naya and Ryan got married on the beach in Cabo in front of a small group of family and friends who sat there while thinking to themselves, “I really hope this isn’t a shot gun situation, because I don’t want to waste my money on a wedding AND a baby gift for these two wrecks.” Naya wore a dress by Monique Lhuillier and a face by DuPont.

I’m sure that just like the melted plastic water bottles that she injects into her face, Naya and Ryan’s love will last for eternity and never disintegrate. Naya and Ryan shat out this statement of words about their wedding to People:

“We feel truly blessed to be joined as husband and wife. Our special day was fated and everything we could have ever asked for.”

And if you didn’t think this wedding could be more of a troll wedding, they had to spit out this hilarious dingle, “True love always prevails.” Let me fix that for you, Naya: “Fame whoring always prevails.” Better!

IN THIS ECONOMY, I don’t blame Naya for marrying her rebound. Naya was supposed to marry Big Sean, so she probably already bought the dress and booked the venue, the flowers, the DJ, the photographer, the food and already tipped the paparazzi off. Why let all of that go to waste?! Naya will lose a job, a record contract and her original face, but she refuses to let go of her wedding deposits!

You can’t really tell what Ryan Dorsey’s face looks like in the picture above, so here’s some pictures of his “hybrid of Ryan Phillippe and Adam Brody with a drop of Jared Padalecki” face and more importantly, his nipples.

Pics: Instagram

Naya Rivera Was Probably Fired From Glee

Almost two weeks ago, TMZ said that the fourth place loser of a Barbra Streisand sound-alike karaoke contest Lea Michele and the prototype for a Kim Kardashian Bratz doll Naya Rivera were both involved in a messy situation on the Glee set that ended with one of them dramatically leaving the set. Blind Gossip also had a blind item about how Naya’s engagement to Big Sean ended after one of her co-stars (hmmm, I wonder who that was?) hopped on his tube pillow dick. Well, this morning PopWrapped (via NYDN) said that Naya was told to pack up her new face and get the fuck out of there.

A source (Hi, Lea!) says that Naya’s trailer was packed up and she was told she won’t be in the season 5 finale and won’t be in season 6, which is the final season, at all. Their source (Hi again, Lea!) said that Lea had nothing to do with Naya getting pink slipped and it was the producers’ decision. Kristin at E! also said that Naya won’t be in the season 5 finale, but she wasn’t fired and no decision has been made about Naya being in the final season. A “show insider” told Kristin that Naya was supposed to be in the season 5 finale, but she was written out of the script and the change has nothing to do with Lea. The “show insider” also said this:

“We love Naya and want only the best for her. Hopefully we can work it out. We all needed a moment. [This break is] best for everyone.”

The inside source went on to say, “And if Naya doesn’t come back, we always have Lea. Lea’s beauty and talent can carry the rest of the season and can carry the final season. In fact, if every cast member but Lea left the show, the show would be better because of it. Lea is Glee and we should really just change the title to Glea. And..and…and OH GOD, Lea, please don’t threaten to sing another Barbra Streisand song into my ear. I said what you told me to say! Please! MERCY!”