Rosie Perez May Be Saying “Bye Bitch” To The View

I figured that if any of the pecking hens left The View it would either be Whoopi Goldberg or Rosie O’Donnell and they’d leave on a stretcher after getting her throat ripped out by the other one. But Variety says that Rosie Perez has gotten her fill of that mess after only four months on the job and is completely done with The View. Hopefully, she’s leaving that shit to focus on a sequel to It Could Happen To You that solely focuses on her character.

Rosie Perez hasn’t been on The View all month because she’s been busy rehearsing the Broadway play Fish in the Dark starring Larry David. Rosie O’Donnell has been saying on The View that Rosie Perez will be out for the rest of the month and will be back next month. Sources say that isn’t going to happen. A source says that Rosie P “never got a hang of the show’s mixture of hard and soft news” and she has trouble reading the TelePrompTer. A spokeswhore from ABC News burped up a response to Deadline and they didn’t confirm or deny that Rosie Perez is out of there:

“Rosie Perez is currently in rehearsal for her Broadway play for the month of January. Her status with the show has not changed.”

There’s also a rumor from Radar that ABC is going to kill The View completely so that they can add an extra hour of Good Morning America.

I watch The View every morning, while sober (I can’t believe I just admitted that), and I don’t really remember Rosie Perez reading from a TelePrompTer. Whoopi is the one who usually reads from it and she’s absolutely shit at it. A drunk and high Siamese Cat could read that thing better. So could Stevie Wonder. If that’s a reason to get pink-slipped then Whoopi would’ve been pink-slipped a long time ago. Besides, if Rosie Perez has trouble reading the TelePrompTer it’s probably because she’s busy rolling her eyes at all the dumb shit that is said on that show.

And Here’s Naya Rivera’s Thoughts On The Showering Habits Of Different Races

Kim Kartrashian klone Naya Rivera filled in for Whoopi Goldberg on The View today, and I guess she figured that since Whoopi wasn’t there someone had to dribble out a stream of nonsense.

The pecking hens on The View covered Buzzfeed’s piece about how us Americans bathe our asses too much and showering in hot water daily can dry out your skin and wash away good bacteria. Two dermatologists said that depending on weather and what you do with your body all day, you really just need to shower every two or three days. The dermatologists also said that if some of your parts get moist, juicy and stank, you can wipe them down with a wet towel. Nicolle Wallace said that she takes a shower three times a day. To which Naya Rivera said that she showers three times a week and then she shat up a theory about showering. When Naya Rivera says she has a theory, that’s your eye rolling muscle’s cue to stretch and get ready to roll.

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ABC Says That Rosie O’Donnell Is Not Leaving The View

If TMZ is right, then in the picture above Rosie O’Donnell is gritting her teeth hard, because if she doesn’t she’ll use her munching powers to chew Whoopi’s head off.

TMZ said today that Rosie O’Donnell’s grand return to The View is going as well as all of us thought it would go. Rosie is apparently an ingrown hair in everyone’s taint and the cast and crew would rather get butt fucked by a Spiny Anteater’s four-headed peen than work with her next season. TMZ’s “well-placed sources” say that Rosie the Terrible is mad that she’s not the captain of that ship. Sources say that Rosie signed on, because she thought she would be the “moderator” at the table instead of Whoopi. When the cameras are off, Rosie barely says a word to anyone and she always looks like she’s got a massive case of the sads.

The powers-that-be of the show doubt she’ll be back next season and won’t queef out a stream of shock if she leaves before this season is over. They’ve tried talking to her, but she’s not trying to hear them. Um, have they tried talking to her using the magic power of show tunes, because she perks up like an Australian Shepard puppy whenever she hears a show tune.

But wait! A rep at ABC denies TMZ’s story. The rep tells Buzzfeed that Rosie knew going in she wasn’t going to be the head pecking hen and she’s not leaving the show.

“This is yet another in a long line of fabricated stories. Reports of Rosie leaving are false. Whoopi is the moderator and has been since she was hired in 2007. Rosie O’Donnell knew that before she took the job.”

Ratings are down, so my guess is that ABC leaked that story to TMZ to get people to watch The View to see if Rosie loses it and goes off on those tricks. I watch The View most days and that’s the only reason why I watch. It hasn’t happened. Rosie is too behaved this time around. Whenever they talk about serious shit and Whoopi spits out something dumb, Rosie keeps her mouth shut and you can tell she’s holding back the urge to unleash her jaws of death on a trick. So if ABC really wants to bring up the ratings, they should cut off Rosie’s invisible muzzle, put on their blood splash guards and let her attack. It’s what the people (read: me and probably only me) want.