Category: Least Racist
Sharon Osbourne Apologized For What Happened On “The Talk” While Piers Morgan Demands An Apology For The Same
Looks like Sharon Osbourne was given the same opportunity by CBS as her pal Piers Morgan was given by ITV to either apologize for being an embarrassing hot mess on TV or hightail it to the closest emergency exit. Sharon chose the Notes App over the door after yesterday’s appalling performance on The Talk where she loudly and proudly declared herself incapable of racism (?) given her age (?) and demanded that her co-host Sheryl Underwood explain to her (?) how a white woman such as herself could ever possibly, under any circumstance (?), do or say something racist (?). Today, Sharon issued a statement on Twitter claiming that her vehement opposition to racism made her do it (?). Don’t worry, she’s included “anyone that feels confused” by what she said (?) in her apology. But she didn’t apologize to Sheryl which should please Piers because he thinks those “bullies” on The Talk should be the ones apologizing (??). To him! (??? infinitum)
Morgan Wallen Issued Another Apology For Using The N-Word
Morgan Wallen, the country singer who alerted me to his existence by first getting into trouble with Saturday Night Live for breaking COVID protocols then by getting caught on video using the n-word instead of by my preferred method for being alerted to a country singer’s existence which is by dressing like a magical rhinestone hayseed at the CMA’s, is sorry. Again. If that first apology he gave right after TMZ published the video of him calling his “friend” a “pussy-ass n-word” as he stumbled to his house was lacking, that was on TMZ. But the other stuff, well that was on him. But the old him. After consulting with some Black people, he’s a new man, and that new man would never!
After Giving Aunt Jemima The Boot, PepsiCo Has Revealed Its New Syrup And Pancake Mix Logo
It’s finally happened! Thanks to corporate America, racism is dead! I don’t even know what to do with myself right now, I never thought I’d see it happen in my lifetime. With a small assist from the NFL who did their part by hiding the words “end racism” on the back of Tom Brady’s helmet, PepsiCo has leveled the final blow by relieving Aunt Jemima from her duties as the name and face of their pancake syrup and replaced her with a 19th-century watermill named Pearl Milling Company, effectively ending centuries of racial strife. Free at last, free at last! I guess now we just sit back and wait for our reparations checks to arrive. I wonder if they’ll just add that to our stimulus checks or if it will come as a separate payment. Guess we’ll find out soon enough!
Networks Are Offering “Good Behavior” Bonuses To Reality Stars Who Aren’t Racist On Social Media
Apparently, networks found a new way to make privileged people fail upwards. Because reality tricks are getting fired from their gigs for their racist antics, it seems the industry has finally cracked the code on how to stop the racism. No, they aren’t diversifying up their casts. Page Six claims that several networks are offering bonuses to people for not being racist. Wow! Morality won’t stop racism, money will!
The “Hate Crimes” Section Of Mark Wahlberg’s Wikipedia Page Mysteriously Changed After He Got Dragged For A Black Lives Matter Post
In case you were wondering, Mark Wahlberg is just as committed to solving racial injustice as many of your favorite corporations are. We know this because he’s spent his entire career proving it time and time again by being in Three Kings with Ice Cube that one time. And also because he tweeted a picture of George Floyd last week and said he was gonna pray on it or some shit. Somehow, people were unmoved by his brave declaration that “we must all work together to fix this problem. God Bless,” and instead of working together to figure out what Mark meant by “this problem,” have instead tried to divide us further by reminding him of his checkered past. And by “checkered past” I mean his well-documented history of throwing rocks and the N-word at Black children, and his 1988 racially motivated felony assault conviction, which until last week, you could read all about on his Wikipedia page under the heading “hate crimes.” But now that section just reads “racial incidents,” the “checkered past” for nominally committed allies!
Lana Del Rey Defended Her Comments Again, This Time Adding FKA Twigs To The List Of Women Who Have It Better Than Her
The artist formerly known as Lana Del Rey (I’m stripping her of her vaguely ethnic curly cues, she’s plain old Lizzy Grant again as far as I’m concerned) spent Memorial Day Weekend as most glamorous people do— recording a video denying she’s racist and doubling down on her victimhood. Yesterday, Liz posted a lengthy video on Instagram defending the controversial comments she made about “the culture” last week, adding FKA Twigs to her list of women she faces a double standard against and reiterating “the need for fragility in the feminist movement.” Then she unfollowed Ariana Grande on Instagram. Guys, she’s just a glamorous person. What more can I say?