Oh, It’s Just Miley Cyrus With Her Duct Tape-Covered Chipmunk Chichis Out At The amfAR Gala

“Here they are, y’all! Take a good look, cause you might not get to see ’em for another couple of hours!”

The amfAR Inspiration Los Angeles Gala honoring Tom Ford was held on Wednesday night, and guess who showed up with her tits out? That’s right, everyone’s favorite permanent marker-huffing chipmunk Miley Cyrus! But since the amfAR Gala is some fancy shit, she knew she it would be inappropriate to roll up in a high-cut thong and weed leaf pasties. So instead, she decided to bust open a Sheer Elegance L’eggs, wear them as a shirt, and wrap up her backwoods nipple bits in some black duct tape. Miley is nothing if not a klassy lassy, after all.

THIS is how you do tasteful black tie elegance. Why wear a boring-ass evening gown when you can look like the crazy hillbilly cousin of Leeloo Dallas? Or a slutty futuristic project manager from Blade Runner? Or a waitress at an adults-only murder mystery dinner theater? Or a rejected member of The Black Tape Project (NSFW)? Or a goth figure skater? I could literally go on for hours, but you get the picture. BITCH LOOKS HOT!

And adding to the already dangerously high levels of Appalachian sophistication, Miley brought her gorgeous mom Tish Cyrus as her date. Sadly, Tish didn’t also dress like a slutty BDSM mime; instead, she wore a satin tablecloth and did her hair in a fancy show pony braid. Oh well, next time!

Here’s more of Miley looking like a low-budget Pris Stratton (because you need that in your life), as well as Lea Michele who – SURPRISE SURPRISE – was serving up middle-aged horny cougar realness, Alessandra Ambrosia Salad wearing the Las Vegas showgirl version of Miley’s outfit, and a bunch of boring covered-up hos:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Well, At Least She Can Always Grow Her Hair Out If She Gets Tired Of That Tattoo

I know, Kelly Osbourne needs to get her money back, because that tattoo artist completely spelled “stupid” wrong. And isn’t she British? Shouldn’t it be “stouries?”

Kelly Osbourne, who’s starting to look like a Hot Topic My Little Pony, decided last night that it would be a really good idea to get the word “stories” permanently inked into the side of her skull, because she’s deep like that. You know, I love hard pricks on my face, but head tattoos freak me out. I feel like that needle jamming into the side of my head would rattle my last working brain cell and it’s already been through enough. Kelly’s tattoo could’ve been worse, though. It could be in Comic Sans font and if that happened the entire Internet would call for her beheading.

And Kelly’s tattoo artist’s face says it all. This is the face of a tattoo artist who regrets the last hour and wishes there wasn’t photographic proof that he did that to Kelly Osbourne.

That is a “Please don’t put this on Instagram“ face if I ever saw one.

Kelly has much bigger problems than her new head tattoo, though. Soon Kelly won’t be able to flip me off with her left hand for calling her tattoo stupid, because those rings are slowly strangling the life out of her two fingers. Those fingers look like they’re close to death and a priest needs to be called in to read them their last rites. Kelly needs to stop playing around with the dumb tattoos and take her ass to ER, because shit is really serious when you’re about to lose to perfectly good finger banging fingers.

After the jump are two more pictures from Kelly’s Instagram of her getting pricked in the head.  Continue reading

Lady Gaga And Kelly Osbourne Kissed And Made Up At the Oscars Last Night

Four years ago, Kelly Osbourne won a spot in my cold, dark heart (don’t worry, there’s a pile of blankets and a space heater) when she hissed the word butterface in Lady Gaga’s general direction, and their capital B bitch-feud was born. For years they’ve been going back and forth hurling insults like rotten pieces of cake (with one of the insults, quite literally, being a cake), but sadly both bitches went soft and decided to pack their insults away in the attic. NOOOOOOOO! Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the passive-aggressive cakes??

According to Radar, the acrylic nail glue version of the Hatfield-McCoy feud finally came to an end last night at Elton John’s annual Oscar viewing party. Kelly proved to the world that her and Lady Gaga had each extended the other a pastel fiberglass olive branch by Instagramming a pic of herself playfully choking Gaga with the caption: #peace at last. I know; I too was hoping that peace at last was a reference to her trying to choke out any future songs from Gaga’s vocal cords.

I’m not thrilled that Kelly has buried the hatchet with Gaga (I know, how dare I insult Hatchet Face like that) because I think it speaks very very poorly of her sanity and judgement, but sometimes you just gotta say Fuck It and re-route your energy into hating more important things…like the person responsible for going so heavy on the Photoshop that they ended up making you look like Kim Kardashian dry fucked Dame Edna.

Here’s more of Kelly at Elton John’s 22nd Annual AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing/After Party looking like if Betty Draper had an eccentric sister from Baltimore who’s best friend is a poodle named Cha-Cha, as well as Lady Gaga at both the Oscars and the Vanity Fair after party. Say Something Nice: the lace on Gaga’s wig is a very hard worker.

(Pics: Instagram, Wenn)

Kelly Osbourne Dressed Up As a Satin Glide Tampon For Halloween

And one soaked in vodka, if the glazed look in her eyes and the two-man-lift it took to get her off the curb is any indication. I know, I know, I’m gross. But not as gross as what I came across when I was fact checking types of tampons. DO NOT CLICK IT unless you’re in a safe place to throw up or a glutton for punishment. I’m also going to need a head start if you want to come after me because I’m a natural gimp and trip a lot.

Kelly partied at Bootsy Bellows last night dressed as Carrie after a hard week of butting her giant, bargain basement Mrs. Slocombe head against Lady Gaga’s collection of various ‘roided out craft projects and hating on cake. Who the fuck hates on cake? Satan himself could send Dina Lohan to my door with a Fudgie the Whale cake, for which she had to Rockette kick a motherfucker in the face at Carvel and I’d be digging into that shit before I could tell White Oprah to get off my lawn.

Also pictured are  David Arquette, Carmen Electra and her tits, Joanna Krupa (delicately squatting in the gutter like all angelic beings), Shenae Grimes with her husband Josh Beech, and party host Adam Lambert.

(Pics via SplashNews)

Tell Us How You Really Feel, Kelly Osbourne

I try to be fair and balanced in my writing (HA) but sometimes you need to sit back in contemplative silence and slow-clap for a bitch who brings the realness. My heart pulled a Grinch and grew three times larger for Kelly Osbourne after The Huffington Post reported that she told Lady Gaga to “Eat my shit”. NO OTHER CONTEXT IS NEEDED! Well, maybe just a bit. On Oct. 27, Lady Guh-gaa (copyright: Julie Klausner) appeared on UK’s The X Factor, where Kelly’s memaw Sharon Osbourne is a judge, and gave Sharon a cake for Kelly’s 29th birthday. Kelly and Gaga aren’t exactly wearing matching gold BFF necklaces, so Kelly saw this as the ultimate in empty gestures, and took to Twitter to blast a ho on their passive-aggressive cake-gifting tactics. Stars: They’re Just Like Us!

Not to be ungrateful but why would you send me a birthday cake via my MOTHER in a country half the would away? #JustSendItToME #LoveNotWar

— Kelly Osbourne (@KellyOsbourne) October 27, 2013

#EatMyShit #Hypocrisy http://t.co/JxnFfZPZSB

— Kelly Osbourne (@KellyOsbourne) October 27, 2013

#StefaniStopIt!

— Kelly Osbourne (@KellyOsbourne) October 27, 2013

This modern-day Hatfield-McCoy mess began a long, long time ago in 2009 (4 years is like decades in celebrity feuds) when Kelly called Gaga a “butterface” (classic). Lady Gaga took them as fightin’ words and chose to sic her fans on Kelly’s Twitter (who held a luncheon to decide their best course of action was to advise Kelly to kill herself). Gaga also wrote a blog post (jesus, this really does sound like some hillbilly shit) slamming Kelly for being on E!’s Fashion Police. Kelly chose to, quite literally, save the drama her mama, and let Sharon enter the ring, who called Lady Gaga a “bully”.

Gaga decided there’s no time like the present to release a peace dove into the sky (through cake, of course) but Kelly took this as a not-so-subtle “YOUR MOVE, FUCKER”. Which, honestly, wouldn’t we all? If someone I hated gave my mom a cake (I still can’t with that awkward cake move) my first instinct would be to put on my ‘Aw Hayul No’-brand typing gloves and Tweet my hatred out too. Just kidding; I’d probably send an email that said: “Thnx for the cake, gave it to my dog” and proceed to eat the cake myself. So sneaky.

I’m decidedly Team Kelly on this one because I know this theatrical bitch was up to something. Lady Gaga is playing this off like “Gee shucks, I was just tryna be nice is all” but we can all see through the bullshit, right? Homegirl has an album to promote, so poking a sleeping dog with a birthday cake is a great idea when it’s a slow week for your escapades. Speaking of which, here’s Gaga leaving her London hotel looking like a shitty corn husk craft I made at Church Camp when I was 7.

(Pics via Wenn)

Kelly Osbourne Is In The Hospital After Having A Seizure (UPDATE)

Kelly Osbourne is laid up in the hospital today after she had a seizure on the set of E!’s Fashion Police. TMZ says that everything was going fine during taping until Kelly told Melissa Rivers, who was filling in for Giuliana Rancic, that was she wasn’t feeling too good. Kelly then slipped off her chair and had a seizure on the floor. Melissa turned Kelly’s head and a member of the audience, who’s a medical professional type, jumped in to help.

Kelly’s seizure eventually stopped and she seemed okay, but her people insisted that she go to the hospital. An ambulance showed up, they put her on a stretcher, threw a white sheet over her to block her face from the paps and shuffled her off to the hospital.

Joan Rivers later told TMZ that she just saw Kelly in the hospital and she’s doing fine. It’s not known why Kelly had a seizure. A source tells UsWeekly that she’s speaking to doctors and they’re running test. To which I say to the source, fucking duh! What else are they supposed to do in a hospital? Give you a mani-pedi and let you pet baby bunnies? (Truth talk: They really should give you a mani-pei and let you pet baby bunnies in the hospital.)

And no, I’m not going to dip into Twitter to see what the Little Monsters are saying about this. Not today.

UPDATE: Kelly’s rep tells her bosses at E! that she didn’t have a seizure, she fainted. So is Kelly’s rep trying to cover something up or does a ho on the Fashion Police set not know the difference between a seizure and a fainting spell? Story developing (not really).