Taylor Swift Gave Her New Cat A Perfect Name

Human soft-serve ice cream cone Taylor Swift proved she’s one cat closer to her very own butterscotch-scented Scottish Fold pussy army by posting a picture to Instagram yesterday of her newest Scottish Fold cat, who she’s named after her favorite Law & Order: SVU character, Olivia Benson. Personally, I’m a little disappointed that she didn’t name it “Meow-whisker Hargitay”, but you take an SVU reference where you can get it.

Olivia Benson is Taylor’s second cat, the first being Meredith Grey, who was named after her favorite character from Grey’s Anatomy. This sort of reminds me of when people give up smoking and replace cigarettes with Pop Tarts; except Taylor has replaced chasing barely-legal boys with collecting cats and naming them after television shows found on your mom’s DVR. The next thing you know she’ll be posting a picture of a third cat named after the designer from Love It or List It and asking if you’ve seen the lovely slacks that are on sale at Chico’s.

I’ll throw shade for days at Taylor for naming her first cat after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll give her 10 loud YAAASSSSSS-es and 5 ‘hands up’ emojis for naming the second cat after the greatest pervert-busting detective of all time. She shouldn’t be surprised if she comes home one day to find Olivia Benson in a little leather jacket with a tiny NYPD badge clipped to the waist of her itty bitty kitty dress pants with a caramel-colored hair extension on her head, trying to convince the next-door neighbor’s cat to testify against the Shih Tzu who attacked them in Central Park.

Pic: Instagram

Literally The Only Reason To Watch This Mess: Aaron Taylor-Johnson Will Be In “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

The studio executives at Universal must have finally realized that toning down all the fucking and sucking in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie leaves it with as much intense raw sexuality as a trip to Carpet Barn, because someone gave the go-ahead for director Sam Taylor-Wood to sex it up a bit by casting her husband and object of her cougar-y affection, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, in a last-minute role. Sam TaylorMade 3-Wood told Access Hollywood that she was able to find a way to get her hot 23-year-old husband, but wouldn’t say what role he was playing.

Someone needs to tell Sam Cougar-Would (Would she get her cougar-on with an 18-year-old? She would) that if she wants to put middle-aged mom butts in seats, she needs to be a little more explicit regarding just how much Aaron Taylor-Johnson there will be in Fifty Shades of Snooze. Will he be shirtless? Do we get to see his ass? What about Aaron Taylor’s johnson? Eh, it doesn’t even matter; she could promise a 60-second-long full-frontal HD close-up shot of his dick, and it still wouldn’t make it worth sitting through 2 hours of that trashy Twilight fanfic.

But until then (aka my dreams, because there’s no way in hell we’ll get to see his weenis) here’s Aaron Taylor-Johnson at the London premiere of Godzilla with his wife Sam Taylor-Wood, who always looks like an adult version of that Side Eyeing Chloe kid:

Pics: Splash

ICYMI: Emma Stone’s Lip Synch Battle With Jimmy Fallon

Last night Emma Stone was on The Tonight Show to promote the sequel to that Spider-Man reboot movie (I think it’s called The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Did We Really Need This?) and it wouldn’t be an episode of The Tonight Show unless Jimmy Fallon got into a dance battle or a sing-off or a Hip Hop Abs competition with his guest, so he and Emma decided to lip synch…FOR YOUR LIFE.

Except that their lip synching wasn’t nearly as fun as it is on Drag Race (nobody ripped off their wig or blew out their tuck on a set of jump splits). Jimmy and Emma looked more like two accountants at an office team building event after trading all their drink tickets for Alabama slammers. But it wasn’t the worst; Emma gets an A+ for putting her heart and soul and buggy eyes into the Ludacris part of DJ Khaled’s “All I Do Is Win” without throwing up some embarrassing white girl gang signs (I’m looking at you, annE Hathaway). Shante you stay, Emma Stone.

And if Emma wants to make a little money on the side, I heard Katy Perry is looking for a tutor.

Here’s more of Emma Stone looking like a sassy lil’ bland basic bitch as she arrives at GMA Tuesday morning:

Pics: Splash

Derek Jeter Prevents A Bunch Of Ball-Grabby Adults From Stealing A Little Kid’s Baseball

During one of the many boring baseball games I’ve been dragged to, I sat in front of a Chatty Cathy who spent the whole game yakking about how Derek Jeter was the fucking Tenderheart Bear of major league baseball. She wouldn’t shut up about her personal saviour Derek Jeter. At one point, I almost turned around and asked if he rescued her ass from a burning building or something to see if that would shut her up. But I saw a couple empty beer cups at her feet and I knew that she’d probably kick my ass for talking shit about Jesus Jeter, so I went to take a nap in a toilet stall instead (baseball is really fucking boring).

But finally I see what that noisy loudmouth was talking about! On Thursday night’s game between the Yankees and the Astros, Jesus Jeter saw a little girl in a Yankees hat with a home-made sign, and knowing that if he threw a baseball into the stands, all the greedy evil adults would descend upon it like rats on a half-eaten cheeseburger, so he took a break and walked it over to her.

Unfortunately, one ball-snatcher couldn’t take a hint, and kept reaching for it like it was a $20 bill and she was Pimp Mama Kris. That ball-snatching bitch was determined! But no matter how hard she tried, Jesus Jeter wouldn’t let her have it and eventually the ball was placed in the little girl’s hands. Normally I’d be upset about a story that ends with ball blocking, but this one warms the cold ballpark pretzel that is my heart.

Now if only Derek Jeter could go back in time and teach this soulless ball-snatching bitch a lesson:

ICYMI: Samuel L. Jackson Performing A Slam Poem About “Boy Meets World”

Because nothing precious from your youth is considered sacred anymore (I myself keep a crisis hotline on speed-dial in the event a Step by Step re-boot is announced) Laurence Fishburne Samuel L. Jackson stopped by The Tonight Show last night to perform a spoken word poem about the 90s TV show Boy Meets World. Generally, nothing gives me the art chills as intensely as the words ‘slam poem’, but I didn’t hate this. I think It’s because I truly believed Samuel L. Jackson was feeling it, man. Then again, I think it’s scientifically impossible not to get filled with emotion when speaking about national treasure Mr. Feeny (I believe the proper name is TGIF’s Theorem of The Feels)

Except he missed one thing: MINKUS!! You can’t talk about Boy Meets World without addressing the most important nerd character of the TGIF lineup next to Steve Urkel. Or maybe there’s just too much to say about Stuart Minkus, and casually throwing his name in between Topanga and Eric Matthews wouldn’t be giving him the respect he deserves. Same goes for the character of Jack Hunter. Forget one slam poem on The Tonight Show; Matthew Lawrence’s beautiful 90s boy bander hair deserves an anthology of poems.

ICYMI: Kevin Bacon Dancing To Footloose On The Tonight Show

Last night on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, Kevin Bacon proved once again why he’s still one of the hottest pieces around (for reasons greater than just having a delicious-sounding name). Kevin was there to promote his show The Following, but it’s also the 30th anniversary of the film Footloose, so Jimmy set up his introduction around a joke that dancing had been outlawed on The Tonight Show. Cut to Kevin Bacon in his dressing room wearing his costume from Footloose. And cut to me letting out a slow yaaasssss, because I offing love The Footloose. And I say ‘The Footloose’, because there is only one. Yes I’m talking about you, Footloose remake! Hang your head in shame; you’re not a movie, YOU’RE A MONSTER.

Even though Kevin Bacon is 55, he can still move like he’s 25. Sort of. There was obviously a dance-double or two in a couple of those shots, but I’ll give it a pass because the original was as fake as the ass on a Kardashian, and also because Kevin Bacon probably has DKs (dad knees) and he can’t wiggle and thrust like he used to. But GUT DAYUM he can still fill out a pair of jeans. I had to call up my therapist halfway through that video because I was starting to get the most confusing downstairs feelings. “Hi, Dr. Black? Is it normal to get turned on by a middle-aged Kevin Bacon shimmying his ass around in a pair of stonewashed Kirkland Signatures? It is? Okay, well what about John Lithgow? Footloose era, present day, doesn’t matter. Hello? Hello?”