While Promoting His Batshit New Movie, Christopher Walken Revealed He’s Never Sent An Email Or Owned A Computer Or Cell Phone
Christopher Walken was born in 1943. He got his start on The Colgate Comedy Hour. His poofed hairstyle was originally inspired by Elvis Presley. And he was on that boat the night Natalie Wood died. This is all to say: the guy is old. So it comes as no surprise he isn’t particularly tech-savvy (zero shade to his fellow members of the Silent Generation who’ve mastered their iPads). But it is shocking that in all of his seventy-seven years on Earth, Christopher has never owned a cell phone, computer, or even sent an email! Ludditesayswhat?
One of the biggest unsolved mysteries in Hollywood is what happened on the night Natalie Wood drowned off the coast of Catalina Island in 1981. Everyone has their own theory, but it’s not too much of a stretch to say that a whole lot of theories involve Natalie’s husband Robert Wagner, and a heavy dose of side-eye. In 2011, the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department reopened their investigation into Natalie’s death. Two years ago, Robert Wagner (who just turned 90), was named a person of interest in Natalie’s death. Which was news that no doubt made a bunch of people look at their watches and scream, “FINALLY.” However, Natalie Wood’s daughter Natasha Gregson Wagner obviously wasn’t one of them, because Natasha believes her stepdad is innocent.
36 Years After Natalie Wood’s Drowning, Robert Wagner Has Been Named A Person Of Interest In Her Death
If watching hundreds of episodes of 48 Hours, Dateline NBC, Unsolved Mysteries and Forensic Files taught me anything, it’s that the husband ALWAYS did it and that the victim is always a wonderful, caring person who “lit up” any room they walked into. (If my death ever ends up on 48 Hours, my friends and family will probably keep it real by saying I was a bitchy and bitter person who brought a black cloud with me into every room I walked into.) I’ve also learned that sometimes it takes a younger, hungrier detective with “fresh eyes” to move an old case forward. Now, I don’t know if a younger, hungrier detective with “fresh eyes” was brought on to look at the Natalie Wood case, but there’s been a little movement. CBS has learned that Robert Wagner has been named a person of interest.
The Super Bowl is the biggest day for nacho eaters, but it’s also the biggest day of the year for Don Draper types. The Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of advertising; it’s the day commercials go extra. What other time of year could you watch Sexy Mr. Clean thrust his tight CGI ass and think “Yeah, no, this is totally normal.”
So way back in 2015, Veruca Salt’s Canadian counterpart Justin Bieber demanded his own Super Bowl commercial.
I want a super bowl commercial 🙂
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) December 10, 2015
His dream came true this year when T-Mobile put him in a Super Bowl commercial.
Allison Williams and I share more than a first name; we also share the same “da fuq??” face when looking at the first picture of Christopher Walken as Captain Hook for NBCs upcoming Peter Pan Live! Although mine is more of a “da fuq kind of low-budget Party City pirate shit is this?” and hers is more of a “da fuq have I gotten myself into?”
We already know what Allison Williams will look like as Peter Pan (aka the broken condom baby of a snobby pre-law Yale student named Skip Chipperton and Tank Girl), but today NBC released the first picture of Christopher Walken dressed in discount Dustin Hoffman drag , and it’s every bit as beautiful and messy as I hoped it would be. Christopher Walken can do no wrong in my eyes, so even if he showed up in a shitty plastic hook hand and a t-shirt that says THIS IS MY CAPTAIN HOOK COSTUME, I’d still be on board. Even if that hook looks a lot like a hotel room coat hanger.
Looking at Christopher Walken as Hook is like an I Spy game; there’s so many parts of his face that are fighting my eyes for attention. That eyeshadow! That beauty mark! Those eyebrows! Those hacked-up cheekbones! THAT MOUSTACHE! He looks like Ming the Merciless burped on Jackie Stallone. I LOVE IT!
The only thing I can’t get behind are those tragic burgundy corduroy leggings. Who’s the costume designer, Shia LaBeouf?
NBC’s live broadcast of The Sound of Music starring soulless Swiss Miss puppet Carrie Underwood was a mess, but it was a major hit, because America’s favorite pastime is witnessing train wrecks. So a few months ago NBC announced that they’re following up The Sound of Music with Peter Pan Live! And at the Televisions Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills this morning, the head bitch of NBC, Robert Greenblatt, announced that Christopher Walken will sing, dance and throw jazz hands (more like jazz hooks) as Captain Hook! Greenblatt spit this out about it:
“He might really be a song and dance man at heart. He’s fearless as a comedic actor and always comes to play. I guarantee you he’s going to bring his own spin to Captain Hook. He might be the first tap-dancing Captain Hook.”
Robert Greenblatt also said that they’re going to cast a chick as Peter Pan and I guess Cathy Rigby already turned it down, because they asked Kristen Bell, but she can’t do it due to scheduling conflicts. So the search continues until singing trapeze artist Pink finally says, “Okay, fuck it, I’ll do it,” or until NBC wakes the hell up and casts the only hot bitch who should play Peter Pan: Peter Pan Dude!
But back to Christopher Walken…
Peter Pan Live! is going to be disaster (and the flying scenes will probably look like this), but at least it’s going to be a somewhat watchable disaster thanks to Christopher Walken. I hope NBC tweaks with Peter Pan a little bit and includes a scene where Captain Hook, the crocodile and Smee recreate this magical number (starts at around the 1:00 mark):