Suave Pepaw Joe Biden Likes To Go Skinny Dipping

“Listen babe, what you see is what you get – little JB don’t get no shrinkage. It goes in looking like a pool noodle and it stays looking like a pool noodle. Next question? Yeah, you in the red with the sweet rack. Stand up sugar, let Joey B get a good look at ya.”

According to the soon-to-be released tell-all, The First Family Detail (via NY Daily News) some loose-lipped Secret Service agents have spilled the T on a bunch of higher-up Washington types, like the President and Hillary Clinton, but the best dirt is about Vice President Joe Biden. Apparently, America’s sexy septuagenarian stud muffin likes to kick back at the end of a long day by stripping out of his suit, grabbing an ice-cold brewski and floating around naked in the pool. Unfortunately, some members of the Secret Service don’t much care for seeing Joe Biden’s bare ass:

Biden is portrayed as being more interested in coming off as a “regular Joe” than being potentially responsible for the nation’s nuclear codes.

“Agents say that, whether at the vice president’s residence or at his home in Delaware, Biden has a habit of swimming in his pool nude. Female Secret Service agents find that offensive.”

I understand that seeing the flaccid wrinkled penis and saggy silver-haired balls of a 71-year-old isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but how bad could Joe Biden’s junk be? It probably looks like a sleepy little hairless mouse nestled in a fluffy pile of cotton. I feel like the real reason they’re offended is that no one has invented time travel yet and they can’t watch this hot young version of Joe Biden go skinny dipping instead:

Pics: Splash, Instagram

Joe ManJello And Sofia Vergara Are Doing It

Sofia Vergara and Onion Crunch mogul Nick Loeb broke up about 20 minutes ago and some judgmental whores think that it’s way too soon for her to jump on a new dick part-time, but when the new dick belongs to Joe Manganiello, I say jump, bitch, jump and jump some more. The easiest way to get over your coked up, call girl-collecting fiancé is to get on Joe ManJello. When Joe gets naked in front of Sofia, her punane says, “Nick who? Both People and UsWeekly say that Sofia is power washing away the thick layer of call girl snatch nectar and coke snots that Nick left on her coochie by rubbing against Joe ManJello’s washboard abs.

UsWeekly says that Sofia and Joe first met at the White House Correspondents Dinner in May, but nothing really happened then, because she was with Nick at the time. Now that her chocha is free to frolic amongst the peens, she and Joe have been spending time together and he went to see her in Louisiana where she’s filming a movie with Reese Witherspoon. The source said that it’s really, really new and they’re just getting to know each other. Some insider said that Sofia has always been Joe’s dream piece and when he’s not doing one million crunches to keep his abs looking like a turtle shell, he’s fapping to Sofia’s picture. The “insider” said this:

“Sofia is Joe’s dream girl! He’s been smitten with her for years. He’s always had a huge crush on her. Things are going well for them so far.” Says the first source: “Sofia had no idea that he had been crushing on her for a while.”

Both People and UsWeekly spit out this story at the same time and they both included old quotes from Joe where he said that Sofia is the sun, moon and stars to him. And this story came out the day after his (NO SPOILERS) big episode on True Blood, so this love feels like it was born in the inside of a manager’s office . Their first date probably happened in a conference room where they signed the contracts for their trial-run PR relationship. But I will one hundred percent believe that this is one hundred percent real if a well-lit, HD sex tape starring the both of them leaks. And I will really, really believe their relationship is real if the camera only focuses on Joe and only he has a boom mic over him so his wolf groans drown out her exaggerated ass accent. Basically, I want a StraightGuys4GayEyes sex tape starring Joe (and featuring Sofia). I will completely believe it then and buy everything that publicists are selling.

“Well, I’d Say It’s About This Long….While Soft.”

All those English horse races are the same to me (I’m a racist, I know), so I always get Aintree and Ascot mixed up. Aintree is that horse race that brings out Britain’s most genteel and pristine flowers and by the end of the day, a lot of them are on the ground, spread eagle with the bottom of their dresses covering their faces and empty bottles of booze strewn around them. So I was getting my nipples ready for the moment when pictures would come out of Prince Hot Ginge drunkenly lying on the concrete in nothing but a top hat and a thong made out of his baby blue tie. But Prince Hot Ginge wasn’t at Aintree, he was Ascot, which is like Aintree’s snobby older cousin who suddenly has a posh accent, wipes his ass with silk, can go to a horse race on a weekday afternoon since he doesn’t work and looks down upon getting broke down, panty-flashing drunk in public. BOO!

PHG was on his best behavior at Royal Ascot (I’d let him cot my ass and I’m not even going to pretend to know what that means) today, because THE QUEEN was there with a pocketbook full of bricks that she wasn’t afraid to swing if one of her grandchildren started acting the fool. THE QUEEN’s piece Prince Philip was also there and I never understand why he goes to those things. He’s 93 years old and if I ever make it to 93, the last place I’d want to be is at a horse race where I’d have to stand in the grass as my 93-year-old saladitos-looking ass nutsack suffocated from being shoved into a stuffy suit. But he’s a good sport about it, I guess.

And there’s really nothing else that needs to be said about these pictures. It’s PHG in a top hat and holding an umbrella. I’d hit it all including that top hat and the umbrella he’s stroking.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

PEEN: Brought To You By Kenny Brain From Big Brother Canada

It’s a Good Friday GIFT!

In case you haven’t already printed these out and papered your bedroom ceiling with them like I’m doing, here’s Kenny Brain, former HSOTD and the bearded gay ginger model from Big Brother Canada, with his fire pubes and dick out. The pics are Grindr-style (aka headless) but the tattoos match and I want to believe that Kenny Brain’s got a dick that’ll make you call in sick to work and not care that you get fired. A dick that’ll make you hand over your debit card and password.

I am trying to ignore that crotch tattoo that looks like something you’d find on the pendant worn by a trust fund PR girl who thinks she’s spiritual and shit. And at this point you’re probably screaming at me to shut my goddamn fingers already and get to the dick, so if you’re in a place where big, beautiful dicks are frowned upon and are considered NSFW, then put this on before clicking HERE and HERE. I hope dudes flopping their soft dicks on the sink like it’s a sea cucumber becomes a new thing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more Kenny Brain dick pics to paste to my ceiling.

UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who told me Kenny Brain’s crotch tattoo means “big” in Chinese. No comment.

via Reddit via ONTD

Cara Delevingne Makes Out With Michelle Rodriguez While Dressed Like The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air

If you’re in Miami and see steam billowing out of one of the hotels, it’s nothing. It’s just Michelle Rodriguez and her piece Cara Delevingne rubbing a layer of skin off of their coochie lips while scissoring, because you know when these two fuck, they fuck. They fuck like a death comet is shooting towards Earth. When they fuck, smoke detectors go off and when the firefighters break down their hotel room door and try to pry them off of each other, they keep fucking. Turning the hose on them is a waste of water, because they can’t stop, won’t stop.

While looking like Jason Mewes dressed up as a Disney Channel rapper circa 1993, Cara held MRod’s head like a basketball and made out with her in front of their hotel in Miami yesterday. Before making out in Miami yesterday, Cara and Michelle touched nipples while making out with their tops off in Cancun last week.

I’m gayer than a baby blue poodle humping on a flamingo plush toy’s ass and even that did things to me. But you know when this ends, it’s not going to end well. They’re going to make SamRo and LiLo look like a functional and sane couple. They’re going to unconsciously uncouple, because they’re going to knock each other out with the shit they’ll throw at each other from across the room. There’s going to be tears, screams, broken windows, blood and the make-up sex will make the ice sheet in Greenland melt once and for all. We’ve been warned.

Pics: Splash

Benedict Cumberbatch’s Gorgeousness Was Upstaged At The Hobbit Premiere Last Night

Last night, the premiere of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (a word I’ve been pronouncing as ‘smoog’) was held in Hollywood and it brought out lots of handsome older-types in suits, including the most handsome and suit-y of them all, Benedict Cumberbatch. It couldn’t possibly have gotten any more swoony at The Hobbit premiere after Benedict (they don’t call his eyes ‘The panty droppers‘ for nothing. Yeah, I know, no one calls them that) but then – BAM – James Maslow walked in and done changed the motherfuckin’ game:

TAKE A LAP, CUMBERBATCH. What I’ve gleaned from his IMDB is that he played “James Diamond” (that is THE HOTTEST name in the game) on a Nickelodeon show called Big Time Rush, he used to have serious Justin Bieber hair, aaaaand that’s about it. James Maslow doesn’t play a character in The Hobbit and he didn’t write or sing a song for The Hobbit, so there is literally no reason for him to be at this premiere, but I DO NOT CARE; as long as he brings that Maybe it’s Maybelline face, he can show up at whatever damn premiere he likes. That stunning hair and perfect nose makes him look like a come-to-life Ken doll. Actually, he looks exactly like a doll I named “Brock Lockheart”; he was the ‘special friend’ my Ken doll would bring to dinner at Barbie’s house (and yes, Brock was a model/marine biologist).

Here’s more of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug premiere. I know a handful of big-time nerds and they would be pissed if I didn’t mention everyone’s name (“ALL THE HOBBITS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS FRODO!!” – said as cosplay tights are being pulled up under an Aragorn costume). So here is Benedict Cumberbatch (he voices a dragon named “Smaug”, which sounds like something a stoner came up with), Martin Freeman (Tim from The Office), Orlando Bloom (still hot, would do), Stephen Fry (same), James Maslow, Sean Astin, Manu Bennet (who looks like if John Stamos had a younger half-brother who was really into UFC) Evangeline Lilly (who’s hair has looked better), Peter Jackson, Luke Evans, and Ed Sheeran (Ed looks sleepy because he probably just came from a PJs n’ Popcorn Party at Tay-tay’s house).

(Pics via Splash)