A Match Made In K Hell

Out of nowhere last night, Kanye Kardashian née West released a new song called Theraflu where he rap confesses that he crawled up into Kim Kardashian’s K hole of doom while she was in the middle of her 10 second-long marriage to Kris Humphries. Here are the poignant lyrics that are making Pimp Mama Kris’ pimpin’ hand quiver something special:

And I’ll admit I fell in love with Kim/ ‘Round the same time she fell in love him/ That’s cool, baby girl do your thing/ Lucky I ain’t have Jay drop him from the team

Kanye Kardashian’s fame whore clock is perfectly synchronized, because just hours after he dropped that song, TMZ had pictures of him and Kim doing the STUNT QUEEN strut out of a Manhattan movie theater after seeing The Hunger Games. There’s something perfect about two thirsty whores watching The Hunger Games together. A source tells TMZ that Kanye and Kim have been chewing on each other’s ass for a little while now.

This was bound to happen and we should just be thankful that their egos in one room together will shatter any industrial-strength camera lens, so we’ll never see a real sex tape of these self-absorbed hos humping on each other. Actually, I doubt Kim and Kanye even touch. Their idea of getting off is doing themselves with a mirrored dildo in a completely mirrored room so they can see themselves from every angle.

Kim and Kanye keep searching for love, but Kim will never love anybody as much as she loves Kim and Kanye will never love anybody as much as he loves Kanye. They can have a group marriage!

Broke Off, Dozed Off

Here’s Xtina being carefully led out of a club in West Hollywood the other night with drunk eyes and a mouth full of smeared lipstick that lets you know when she wasn’t sucking on her bitch’s lips, she was sucking on a bottle of hooch! As for Matthew Rutler, he’s got the mark of the Illuminati on his torso and the mark of the red lipstick beast scooted all over his mouth. These two raggedy ratchet hos had themselves a mouth party for two while the entire club probably watched with eyes wide open the same way they’d watch a sloth slurp up a bowl of mashed tomatoes in slow motion.

You know that the party didn’t end here either. When they got back to Xtina’s palace, she had a sword fight with Matthew’s peen and a dill pickle in the jacuzzi before she passed out over the side above a puddle of regret. The gardener woke her up the next morning by blowing her face with a leaf blower. Snooki must be oh so proud of Snookitina!

Baby Mason Does Not Work For Free!

The Kardashians will proudly whore themselves out on every inch of real estate on the ho stroll, but at least they make sure the check is cut before doing so. And now they are passing that rule to live by down to their kin including Kourtney Kardashian’s baby son Mason. You won’t be seeing much of Mason’s face on his family’s new reality show Godzilla and Cloverfield Take Manhattan, because the cheap asses at E! refused to stick a $5,000 check into his Pampers every time he appeared in an episode. You can thank Mason’s daddy Scott Dickhead for that, because he never lowered his pimp cane during negotiations with E!. A source tells UsWeekly (via Examiner):

“E! offered $1,000, but he played hardball. E! was like, ‘Are you out of your mind?’ ” Another insider told the magazine, “He bungled negotiations, so you won’t see Mason at all.”

The Big Lots Patrick Bateman makes me blow a whistle and reach for a rape kit every time I stare at a picture of him, but you can’t deny his baby bartering skills. Dude has actually left me in a state of surprised! You’d think that Scott would sell his son out for a bottle of chloroform and a silk paisley scarf that doubles as a thong, but he proved us wrong! Father AND Pimp of the second!

Here’s Baby Mason, Kourtney and Scott arriving at LAX yesterday. You will probably receive an invoice under your door from Scott for staring at Baby Mason too long so click quickly.

Bulge It Like Bobby

Looking like he just survived a head-on collision with an American Apparel, a box of Christmas decorations and a flock of gay crows, Bobby Trendy brought his impeccable pose game to Melrose in West Hollywood over the weekend. There was even a costume change! I’m not going to say anything more since it’s obvious that you want to spend as much time as possible with the satchel of rhinestones in Bobby’s crotch and his dusty buns. Have fun!

Ho Shit Brought To You By The Kiddies From Glee

There’s something uncomfortably strange about seeing Lea Michele pose hard as though she’s an aspiring teenage slut on MySpace (or Demi Moore). It’s as if a Beagle puppy gave you fuckme eyes while licking at her nipples or if a bunny wiggled her tail at you while wearing a baby pink lace negligee. It makes you want to throw a blanket over your head as if it’s bed time and you’re a bird cage. It’s not right and it’s unnatural!

You know, I’m all for bringing out your inner dirty whore for the cameras, but DAMN! The last time I saw someone trying this hard they were pushing out a kidney stone and it was me! I can’t, you can’t, we all can’t.

Here’s a few more pictures of Lea, Dianna Agron and Cory Monteith representing ho shit in GQ Magazine (shot by Terry Richardson). Well, I should say that Lea and Dianna are representing. Cory is doing no such thing since he’s fully clothed! Why isn’t he in his damn panties? The nurse’s office will be waiting for his written excuse.

The Wrong Gold Digging Whore

Miss Pass Around Pussy 2010 (what I wouldn’t give for that title), Rachel Uchitel, is a shameless gold digging skank tramp with no morals who would suck a load out of a meerkat’s ass if The Insider filmed it….but she wants everyone to know that she isn’t the trick trying to get a dime out of David Boreanaz. It’s silly when us sluts try to act like we have integrity.

Rachel released a statement through her attorney Gloria Allred stating that contrary to reports she never tried to extort money out of Angel in exchange for her silence about their alleged affair.

“David Boreanaz is not part of my life, nor will he be. I am not in communication with him and do not wish to be. I have made no claims against him and do not plan to assert any. Any statements to the contrary are false and I hope that this statement will finally end any speculation about this issue. I am looking forward to a life that is not filled with scandal, rumor, innuendo or false statements about me. I will not have any further comment regarding David Boreanaz.”

Rachel is in luck because she’s already filled with gallons of celebrity sperm, so there’s no room in there for more scandal, rumor, dignity, etc…. The NO VACANCY light is shining bright.

What Rachel really meant by her bullshit statement is that if she failed to snatch $10 million out of Tiger’s paw, she would’ve knocked on David’s door. Plan A was a success, so David was dropped from her hook.