Courteney Cox Is Getting Married To Her Younger Irish Piece

Because we were all glued to the saga of Shia LaDouche’s shitbag meltdown on Broadway, we missed what should have been the real EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS!!!! last night: Courteney Cox announced on Twitter that it’s officially OFFICIALLY over between her and human half-empty bottle of yellow mouthwash (you know, the drinking kind – I mean…so I’ve heard) David Arquette because she’s engaged to Snow Patrol guitarist Johnny McDaid. You know, I always thought that crazy drunk mess David would win Courteney back somehow, but it looks like true love really is dead. I’m still holding out hope that David pulls a Benjamin Braddock and shows up to the church drunk off his ass, banging on the window and screaming “Courteneeeeyyy! Courteneeeeyyy! I still love you! Also, I’m all out of Fireball! See? Bottle’s empty baby. Do you know where I can get some Fireball? You got some in your purse, hon? You wanna go for margaritas or something? I’m gonna take a nap on this organ, wake me up when you wanna leave.”

50-year-old Courteney began seeing 37-year-old Johnny (who sort of looks like what you’d get if Michael Stipe fucked a ghost, then the ghost fucked Daniel Day Lewis) around Christmas, and there’s no picture of the engagement ring, and Johnny is like, barely employed, so I guess what I’m trying to get at is…did Johnny just get an invitation to join the Club le Gold Digger? I know an age difference of 13 years isn’t that huge, but digging is digging when you’re mining that Friends cash. Oh well, I’m sure it’s true love. And I’m sure that if Courteney still had control over the muscles in her face, she’d be smiling to show how happy her Stains-eyed fiancé makes her.

And now it’s time to start the countdown to see who gets married first, Courteney or Jennifer Aniston. Sike! Trick question! Jennifer Aniston will never get married, because she’ll always be FOREVER ALONE, remember?

Pic: Twitter

Jean Kasem Is Being Investigated For Elder Abuse

Yesterday the messy, sloppy, low-down dirty Casey Kasem family saga played out in a courtroom in Downtown Los Angeles when blonde Amazonian goddess full of crazy Jean Kasem tried to stop his three oldest children from controlling his medical care. Kerri Kasem and her brother and sister wanted the authority to tell their father’s doctors to stop feeding him artificial nutrition and water, because his doctor believes that it’s just dragging out his death and putting him through more pain. Jean Kasem wants to keep Casey alive and doesn’t want to cut off his food and water supply, because he can still communicate nonverbally and probably because she still hasn’t been able to get him to sign an updated version of his will that leaves everything to her. The Kasem kids won yesterday’s fight and strangely enough, Jean didn’t respond to the judge’s ruling by making Hamburger Helper out of Kerri’s face while screaming words from the Bible. Crazy bitch is losing her touch.

CNN says that the judge reversed his own decision and sided with Kerri. After the judge’s ruling, Kerri said that she’s only doing what her father wants. In 2007, Casey signed a statement saying that if he should ever end up in a state where he can’t do shit on his own and there’s no hope for him to do shit on his own, he doesn’t want to be kept alive. Of course, Jean is pissed off and outside of the courthouse, her lawyer Steve Haney, who for some reason always looks like he’s inhaling fumes out of a bull’s ass (hmmm, I wonder why?), told reporters that the judge’s ruling is nothing but a death sentence.

Kerri’s lawyer Troy Martin said that Casey is in a Washington hospital and his kids have invited their ground-beef wasting evil stepmonster to join them for his final moments.

TMZ says that even though Kerri (Side note: Yes, every time I type the word “Kerri,” I say “is sooo very” out loud.) invited Jean to be with Casey before he takes the 40 steps up to heaven, she is still coming for her stepbitch. The Santa Monica PD started investigating Jean Kasem for elder abuse after Kerri called them. Up until last month, Casey was in a Santa Monica convalescent home. But because Jean has pure insanity running through her veins, she pulled Casey out of that hospital and dragged him all around the West to get him away from his older kids. Jean dragged Casey to Nevada, then to Arizona, then back to Nevada and finally she flew him to Washington to stay with a friend. Kerri and her sister followed Jean to Washington and that’s where the ground beef battle royale (that kind of sounds delicious) went down. Kerri has medical documents that claim Casey got a bedsore during his forced road trip of insanity and the bedsore eventually got infected.

I figured that Jean Kasem would eventually be investigated by the police for committing ear, eyes and soul abuse for her work in The Tortellis, but elder abuse?! Who knew that the glorious vision of elegance who brought glamour to my eyes in Cheers would turn out to be a demonic Anna Nicole who wastes raw hamburger meat and practically held an American legend hostage?

Here’s Jean looking like Brigitte Nielsen as a Robert Palmer girl from HELL while standing outside of the courthouse with her hot lawyer yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Skeletor’s Ex-Wife Had To Leave Her House After She Was Repeatedly Called A Whore Over A Bullhorn

The world is a shit place and I will lose all faith in humanity if someone doesn’t name their band Whore Over A Bullhorn.

Marc Anthony’s ex-wife Dayanara Torres reached high for the gold digging stars last year when she filed papers in court to ask that her child support be raised from $13,000 a month to $113,000 a month. The starving orphans of the world and homeless hobos all shed a tear for Dayanara, because she’s so down and out that she has to live in an apartment with her two sons in the San Fernando Valley and she probably has to buy generic brands at Whole Foods and probably only has 1 car that’s a 2-year-old BMW. THE HORROR OF IT ALL! Dayarrhea cried that Skeletor makes over a million dollars a month, so $113,000 isn’t shit to him. They’re still fighting about this in court and TMZ says that Dayanara recently claimed in court that she was so hard up for money that she had to sell her house and move into that apartment in the Valley.

But Skeletor says in documents that when Dayanara’s mouth isn’t spitting out lies, it’s blowing married dudes and the latter is the real reason why she moved out of her house. He claims that Dayanara was screwing a married man and when the dude’s wife found out, she showed up to Dayanara’s house and did what Pimp Mama Kris does every afternoon to wake up her hos: she screamed the word “WHORE” through a bullhorn. The scorned wife would regularly show up to Dayanara’s house and scream through a bullhorn for the whole neighborhood to hear. Skeletor even had to send his security guards to her house to handle the raging whore caller. Dayanara was so desperate to move that she sold her house at a loss.

Dayanara denies that the bullwhorn fuckery ever happened.

I know nothing about Dayanara’s dude’s wife and I already love her with all of my being. It was love at first “whore” over a bullhorn.

And I wish that I was married to Skeletor for a second and found a way to birth out his kids, because then I’d have enough money to buy Dayanara’s old house. Some people want to wake up to the sound of birds chirping, I want to wake up to the sound of a mad lady screaming “WHORE” over a bullhorn. Fuck Folgers, that would be the best part of waking up.

Pic: Bauer Griffin 

Kaley Cuoco Moved Her Man Into Her House The Day After Their First Blind Date

“Desperate dumb fuck!” said Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston in unison.

Superman’s former photo-op co-stroller Kaley Cuoco got engaged and married tennis player Ryan Sweeting within six months of meeting him face-to-face for the first time in both of their lives and she told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) last night that they both pressed the forward button on their relationship one second after their first date. Kaley Cuckoo claims that Ryan didn’t even know who she was and never saw the Big Bang Theory before they met on a blind date. Ryan flew into L.A. just for that blind date, so either she’s telling lies, he’s telling lies or he’s been hit in the head with a tennis ball one too many times, because everybody Googles a trick before a blind date, especially if they’re traveling for that shit.

Kaley told Letterman that she and Ryan instantly knew they were meant to be together forever and she took him home that night and he never left:

“We actually met on a blind date. I had never met him, and he had really never met me. He still tells me he had never seen the show, he didn’t know who I was.

He came to L.A. for a blind date — and he never left. We had been texting, we texted a little bit. Dinner was great, and then he moved in the next day. I know, it sounds so slutty, but it wasn’t! It all did move quite fast on paper, but we really did know…And I know you’re all thinking, ‘She’s nuts!’ I swear I’m not nuts. We just fell in love.”

Slutty? All of us slutty sluts should be highly offended! Moving a ho in the day after your first blind date is the complete opposite of slutty. Call it “beyond desperate,” “Hewitt-ey,” “stupid,” “crazy,” and “afraid of being FOREVER ALONE,” but I wouldn’t call it slutty. Every word that comes out of her mouth is like a hot pin stabbing into the rawest part of my nerves.

Everybody jokes about how lesbian and New Yorkers move in together fast (New Yorkers do it, because the rent is TOO DAMN HIGH), but they at least wait a couple of dates. But then again, if the dick is good (or my date’s name is Anderson Cooper), I’d move him in, give him my ATM passcode (joke’s on him when he tries to take out $200 and gets a slip with a laughing emoji on it) , let him eat from my stash of bacon jerky (not a euphemism) and I wouldn’t scream at him if he changed the channel from HGTV.

Here’s Kaley Cuckoo and her future ex-husband at LAX yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Brandi Glanville Claims That Eddie Cibrian Is Trying To Get Her To Pay Him Child Support (UPDATE)

Dear Heather Mills, Elin Nordegren, Jon Cryer’s ex-wife and all the other platinum level gold diggers out there who think they have won the game, a new challenger you knew was a shady motherfucker (but didn’t know was this shady) has arrived AND HOW! Eddie Cibrian lives in a multi-million dollar mansion with his partner in shameless fuckery Falkor Rimes, probably has a wallet full of limit-less credit cards and you know he gets millions of dollars in royalties from his finest artistic achievement 3Deep, but it’s still not enough and now he’s apparently trying to shake down his ex-wife for some cash. Some hardcore gold diggers have the game so deeply ingrained in them that they just can’t stop gold digging and will even shake down a trick who’s got less cash than him. I don’t know whether to give him a standing ovation or give him two standing ovations, because that is a new kind of shameless.

Brandi Glanville whined on Twitter today about how people keep throwing hate at her for airing her divorce shit in book after book and while doing so she said that Eddie is trying to get child support from her. Poor Brandi. She’s just a fame whore trying to make a dollar from being a mess and her asshole slut of an ex-husband keeps kicking her down. As the cackle from a luck dragon filled the night sky, Brandi tweeted this:

2 all these young unmarried bloggers writing about getting over divorce&not seeing ur children grow up 1/2 the time,walk a mile in my shoes.

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014

Im not taking cheap shots at my ex in my new book cuz its all true,&now mr fancy new cars&house man is asking ME for child support!Uknownada

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014

everytime I take 1 step frwd I get a lawyers letter that takes me 3 steps back so wen people say move on, I say 2 my ex LET ME! Just STOP

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014

Eddie would totally knee a homeless puppy in the face, snatch its change cup and run off if he needed the cash, but I don’t know if I totally believe this. I mean, I don’t know Eddie and Brandi’s custody situation, so I don’t even know if he can ask for child support. I figured that Brandi got the kids most of the time and Eddie got the kids a few hours a week for photo-ops. Maybe Eddie needs extra spending cash to discreetly spend on his side whores, because that whiny mess LeAnn always asks him why there’s so many charges to the Peninsula Hotel on their credit card bill. Hey, Eddie, if you need cash that bad, just scream at LeAnn, “Hey, paparazzi over there,” and while she’s looking away pull a few gold coins out of her saddle bag. It works EVERY time.

UPDATE: Eddie’s spokeswhore (yes, he still has one) tells UsWeekly that he’s not trying to get money out of Brandi:

“There is no truth to the claims that Eddie has requested child support from Brandi now, nor will he ever request child support from his ex-wife. The notion is preposterous. This is yet another ploy for self-promotion.”

via Radar

And The Bride’s Something Blue Will Be Blue Meth

Today, we should all be mad at the wind for not knocking those two whores off of that cliff when it had the chance. We are all disappointed in you, wind.

But seriously, I should turn off the hate and pat porn star Brett Rossi on the taint for a job well done, because after months of sucking and fucking on Charlie Sheen’s over-cooked penne dick, she is finally one step closer to achieving her gold digger mission. Yesterday, the scent of “true love” smelled like crack pipe residue and dick scabs when Charlie asked Brett Rossi to be his future fourth ex-wife while on vacation in Hawaii. Because Brett knows that she’ll be set up for life if she just marries his nasty ass and pops out a few of his spawn, she said yes. In the crack-infused statement he gave to People, Charlie says that technically Brett will be his third wife since his marriage to his first wife Donna Peel was annulled.

“With all due respect to Donna –
that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled.
Therefore,
if “three”
truly is a charm;
The mashup/acronym
of the real CS,
(Charlie & Scottie)
HAS to be;
“Char-M-stee…”
xox
c&s”

Since Charlie’s relationship history is filled with nothing but pure healthiness, I’m sure these two skanks will have a not-at-all fucked up marriage and in 30 years they’ll be sipping virgin mint juleps on the porch of their house while watching their not-at-all fucked up children play with their not-at-all fucked up grandchildren. Or it’ll end with Brett making a tourniquet out of a shower curtain in a locked hotel bathroom after Charlie “accidentally” shot her leg. Either way, #getmoneybitch! But maybe Brett should wear a head-to-toe bulletproof suit while doing so.

And TMZ has pictures of Brett’s engagement ring if you really need to see it. I didn’t know that crack rocks could get so pretty and shiny when you polish them up.

(Pic via @thebrettrossi)