Jon Cryer’s Ex-Wife Is A Gold Digging Genius

When Jon Cryer (you know the other other one from Two and a Half Douchebags) and his first wife Sarah Trigger executed their marriage in 2004, a judge gave him full custody of their son, because she was labeled as an unfit mother. Sarah proved the judge right five years later when she was arrested after allegedly choking her son out with a cord. Even though Sarah might’ve committed a felony Joan Crawford on her son, she was given 5% custody and Jon was forced to pay her $8,000 a month in child support. Since then, Sarah has worked her way up to 50% custody and now she wants a 1000% raise! Shameless hos stay shameless.

TMZ says that Sarah, who is kind of giving me “Jennifer Grey after too much electroshock therapy” vibes, is asking a judge to up her child support from $8,000 a month to $88,969 a month. Sarah’s reason is classic. Sarah claims that their 13-year-old is being bullied by rich brats at his fancy private school The Buckley School because he’s practically poorer than poor! All the other kids go on vacations to Europe and Thailand and have their birthday parties at places like Sky High Sports, and he doesn’t. All the kids go to expensive summer camps and he can’t because his mom only gets an $8k check a month. And Sarah had this to say about Bar Mitzvahs:

“Last year there were multiple Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs all with custom invitations, a dress code and huge private receptions afterward.”

Sarah says that because she has 50% custody now and Jon makes $2 million a month, she deserves that $88,969 a month.

None of this makes sense. When those brats make fun of Jon and Sarah’s son for being picked up by his mom in an E-class instead of being picked up by the butler in a Maybach, couldn’t he pull out his iPhone (which is probably an iPhone 5 instead of an iPhone 5s, embarrassing!) and show them that his dad makes $620,000 an episode? If going to Thailand for holiday break is that big of a deal, couldn’t Jon just take him? No, that would still be crazy, because going to Thailand so the kids stop making fun of you is insane!

It’s really hard out there for rich kids. They really need their own #itgetsbetter (aka #thecheckswillgetbigger) campaign. But I can’t fully hate on crazy-eyed Sarah. What’s the point of having a kid with a millionaire TV star if you’re not going to use that kid to get $88,000 a month?