Casey Kasem’s been dead for nearly 5 years, but his family is still fighting over who is responsible for his death. Casey’s children from his first marriage, Julie, Mike and Kerri Kasem, filed a lawsuit against Casey’s widow Jean Kasem, accusing her of elder abuse. Jean recently alleged that the kids conspired to kill Casey because the power of L. Ron Hubbard compelled them to kill him so they could give all his money to The Church of Scientology. Normally, whenever the COS is involved, I automatically assume whatever bonkers fuckery is at play is because of them. But in this case, Jean Kasem is has proven herself to be as batshit as old L. Ron himself.
After more than six months since he sailed up to Heaven on the sound of his own smooth voice and five months since his body was declared missing, TMZ says Casey Kasem has finally been buried. Normally when a person passes away, their family will make plans to have the body buried or cremated or blasted into outer space on a rocket. But if the deceased person’s family happens to be a bunch of dramatic messes who hate each other, like Casey Kasem’s crazy butter-colored wife Jean and his daughter Kerri, then there’s a greater chance they’ll put the burial on hold and fight over where to bury the body instead. And in true messy family drama fashion, Jean went ahead and had Casey’s body buried in Norway like
she wanted he wanted last Tuesday without telling his children.
You’d think that burying a body that has been decomposing for six months would be a good thing, but it sounds like it might have been a bit of a shady move on Jean’s part. According to TMZ, the LAPD are still conducting an investigation into claims made by Casey Kasem’s kids that he was a victim of elder abuse, but it’s going to be pretty difficult to have the body exhumed now that it’s buried in foreign soil. And even if they do get the OK from Norway to dig Casey’s body up, Jean never had it embalmed, which means that whatever bedsores he may or may not have had will be long gone. And just like that, Jean’s portrait was moved from the Gold Digger Hall of Fame to the Gold Digger Basement of Oh Hell No.
Regardless of how much side-eye we’re throwing waaaay up high to Jean for how she did it, at least Casey Kasem’s body is in its final resting place. Which is a good thing, because he’ll no doubt need lots of rest in preparation for the lifetime of haunting his ghost is going to give Jean for letting his body decompose for half a year.
Last week, TMZ reported that Casey Kasem’s gold digging, sane-deficient widow, Jean Kasem, was trying to move his body from a funeral home in Montreal to Oslo, Norway. Casey’s oldest children were trying to stop that from happening, because they claim that he wanted to be buried at Forest Lawn in Glendale, CA. The people of Oslo better arm themselves with buns and blocks of cheese, because that crazy bitch is coming their way and she attacks with raw hamburger meat. So if she hamburgers them in the face, they can at least cook that meat up and have a delicious meal.
The Los Angeles Times says that Jean petitioned officials in Norway to allow Casey to be buried there. Instead of listening to Jean’s pleas, the officials should’ve quickly passed a law banning all American Amazons whose born name is “Jean Thompson” and who has a crazy twinkle in their eye that says, “If you stick your peen in me, we’ll be tied together forever and ever.” But instead of banning Jean, Norwegian officials are letting her into their country and letting her bury Casey in Oslo. Jean wrote in her letter to officials that she has Norwegian roots and is planning to move to Norway by the end of this year. Jean also claimed in her letter that Casey wanted to be buried in Norway, because he “always said that Norway symbolizes peace and looks like heaven.” Jean just wants to fulfill his wishes.
That photo was obviously a silent cry for help. At first, it looks like Casey Kasem’s glazed in the eyes, because that Amazonian she-hulk is squeezing him so tight that he’s losing consciousness. But now that I look at it, it’s obvious that the look in his eye says, “Save me from this crazy bitch who will one day drag my dead body all over the world.”
When we last left the bitch tower of craziness that is Jean Kasem, she was out of the country and Casey’s family was trying to track her down because his body was missing. At the time, Jean Kasem was believed to be in Israel, because she’s a humanitarian and figured that if she went to the Middle East, the Israelis and the Palestinians would stop fighting each other and join forces to get her out. Well, Jean Kasem has turned up and so has Casey’s body. Casey’s body has been in Montreal for weeks, but now Jean’s trying to move it to Oslo, Norway, because she’s insane or because she’s really trying to rack up those frequent flier miles.
Jean pulled Casey’s body out a funeral home after his death in June and flew him all the way to Canada. Santa Monica PD is investigating Jean for elder abuse and they ordered an autopsy on the body, but that hasn’t been done yet, because his body is nowhere near L.A. TMZ says that Jean is planning on taking Casey’s body to Oslo and his kids are trying to stop that from happening. If Jean gets Casey’s body to Europe, an autopsy might never be done and the Santa Monica PD might have to drop their case against her due to insufficient evidence.
I’m sure they test for antifreeze poisoning in Canada, so can’t they just do the autopsy there? Better yet, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo and the gang need to stop playing around and drive the Mystery Machine to Canada to get Shaggy’s body. While they’re there, they should leave a trail of bologna slices and exquisite 90s headbands from Jean’s lair to their van so they can trap her ass.
This Weekend at Casey’s foolery needs to end. But then again, I wouldn’t be too mad if the Today show got rid of that shitty “Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?” segment and replaced it with “Where In The World Is Casey Kasem’s Body?“
It’s been a little over a month since Casey Kasem’s soul floated out of his body and he finally got away from the craziness between his crazy daughter and crazy wife, and in that time you’d think that his family would press pause on the crazy to lay him to rest. But anybody who thought that doesn’t know the kind of crazy shit that Jean Kasem is capable of. The gold digging Amazonian dark goddess re-charges her black orb of a heart by sucking in the pain of Casey Kasem’s family. TMZ says that Casey’s body is missing and everyone thinks that the manifestation of evil (seen above at the Emmys looking like a Mordor Betsy Johnson) has it.
Jean is currently being investigated by the Santa Monica PD for elder abuse. Jean pulled Casey out of a Santa Monica convalescent home when he was down and out and dragged him all around the West. A judge ordered that an autopsy be done on Casey’s body, because the Santa Monica PD needs the results for their investigation. But the day before a judge ordered the autopsy, Jean removed Casey’s body from the funeral home. Sources tell TMZ that only Jean knows where Casey’s body is and nobody can track her down. Casey’s daughter Kerri Kasem thinks that Jean left the country. Jean listed “Jerusalem” as her current address on Casey’s death certificate. Yeah, so she could be in Jerusalem, because the Middle East isn’t going through enough right now.
What in Weekend at Bernie’s HELL?
So if you’re in Jerusalem and see an 8 foot tall giant of insanity dragging a man in a wrinkled suit and sunglasses behind her while telling everyone that he had a little too much Manischewitz wine to drink, don’t make eye contact with it and immediately scream for Scooby Doo or the Ghostbusters or a demon exorcising rabbi.
The moral of this story is: If you marry crazy, crazy will terrorize you when you’re alive and terrorize you after you’re dead by tying your limbs together with piano wire before dragging you all around the world. “That’s sounds rather romantic, actually.” – Spalding from AHS: Coven
On this depressing Father’s Day Sunday, we’re all making sad long distance dedications to Casey Kasem (born name: Kemal Amin Kasem ) who is now up in Heaven. Casey’s daughter Kerri Kasem announced on Facebook this morning that the world has lost the velvet-voiced radio legend who taught us all that 40 comes after 39 and 39 comes after 38 and 38 comes after, shit, I forgot, because Casey’s not here to tell me!
CNN says that Casey died at 3:25 this morning at St. Anthony’s Hospital in Gig Harbor, Washington. Casey had been suffering from Parkinson’s, Lewy body disease and his family’s ridiculous bullshit for a long time. Before Casey took his last breath, he was surrounded by his family and friends including his gold digging batshit crazy wife Jean Kasem and his Scientologist daughter Kerri Kasem. No word if raw ground beef made an encore performance on Kerri’s face. Kerri left this message on Facebook this morning:
Early this Father’s Day morning, our dad Casey Kasem passed away surrounded by family and friends. Even though we know he is in a better place and no longer suffering, we are heartbroken. Thank you for all your love, support and prayers. The world will miss Casey Kasem, an incredible talent and humanitarian; we will miss our Dad.
With love, Kerri, Mike and Julie.
Casey started his road to being a radio icon in the 1950s. Casey was drafted into the army and sent to Korea where he DJ’d a show on the Armed Forces Radio Korea Network. After he left the army, Casey worked for radio stations in San Francisco, Oakland, Buffalo, Cleveland and L.A. before he became the voice of American Top 40 in 1970. Casey hosted the American Top 40 for over 30 years before handing the mic over to Ryan Seacrest in 2004. And Shaggy from Scooby Doo is now mute and he’ll never say “ZOINKS!” again, because Casey was his voice.
Here’s my favorite Casey Kasem moment of all-time. “I want somebody to use his fucking brain to not come out of a goddamned record that’s uptempo and I’ve gotta talk about a dog dying” is Casey’s “We’ll do it live!”
Rest in peace, Casey…..
And now the world is left with Ryan Seacrest.