I’m just going to assume someone else has already made a The Jam Don’t Lie joke instead, as I report that Shakira supposedly found out that her partner was cheating on her after noticing someone had been dipping into her strawberry jam while she was away. And he don’t eat jam. Detective La Toya better start using that XXL magnifying glass to examine the Help Wanted section because Shakira has stolen her gig. Not only that, Hercule Perot, Miss Marple, Benoit Blanc, Sherlock Holmes, Jessica Fletcher, Bunk & McNutty, Martha Stewart, and Bonne Maman were all found dead with a crinkled-up note on their chests with the words “The Jam Don’t Lie” written in lipstick, signed “Detective Shakira.”
Back when season three of True Detective was announced I likened True Dick to a lover who came on strong then ghosted me for a year only to come crawling back talking about “baby, I’ve changed” so I gave it a second chance and got burned. Badly. Like last gasp Vince Vaughn not even Colin Farrel can save this bad. Then the bitch came sniffing around again a couple of years later and to my surprise was looking GOOT! Like Mahershala Ali before he ever saw the script for Green Book good. So I caved and gave it another chance to break my heart when they invited Stephen Dorf and a bevy of tragic wigs into our bed. So I’d be a fucking fool to entertain the thought of letting the recently announced fourth season of True Detective get anywhere near my knickers again. But according to Deadline, Jodie Foster has been cast as the new lead. And I’ve never had a woman before so…
Just about a year ago, HBO confirmed that True Detective would be coming back for a third season and that it would star Moonlight Oscar winner and the color yellow’s best friend Mahershala Ali. I guess HBO knew we would all need at least 4 years to wash the Vince Vaughn from our collective memories before they dared revisit the show, because we are only now getting a trailer for Season 3 which will premiere in January, 2019.
HBO remains pretty tight-lipped about the details of True Detective 3. But that’s a good thing, given it’s supposed to be a mystery and all. The biggest mystery I gleaned from the trailer is what rock did they find Stephen Dorff under and why are they punishing him with that wig? Hopefully, all will be revealed. Here’s the trailer.
I’m a glutton for punishment, especially when it comes in the form of sexy brooding, so I’m in. But what a weird choice to use clips of Morgan Freeman from Shawshank Redemption instead of just putting Mahershala in old man makeup. According to Deadline:
Season 3 will tell the story of a macabre crime in the heart of the Ozarks and a mystery that deepens over decades and plays out in three separate time periods. Ali will play the lead role of Wayne Hays, a state police detective from northwest Arkansas.
Though you wouldn’t know it from the trailer, Stephen plays Mahershala’s partner. And because the characters span decades, expect multiple dubious wigs. Season 3 was written by Nic Pizzolatto who also wrote Season 1 and will co-direct with Jeremy Saulnier. Even though I am still butthurt over season 2, I’m willing to give Mahershala and his little friend a shot at wasting my time ultimately disappointing me. I may be a sucker but I’m no fool.
A rumored third season of the confounding HBO show True Detective starring Mahershala Ali has been confirmed. Series creator Nic Pizzolatto will will write and co-direct with Jeremy Saulnier. With Mahershala attached, at the very least, there is potential for sex appeal and drama. But as we saw happen in season 2, well, there are still plenty of ways for them to fuck it up.
True Detective is (probably) coming back and it’s got a brand new face and that face is fine as hell. Mahershala Ali (Moonlight, House of Cards, Hidden Figures, Luke Cage) is in talks to star on the third season of the HBO drama.
As expected, HBO announced that Colin Farrell, the dirty piece we’d all hit even though his man chowder is probably the consistency of chunky nose snot, will play a detective in the second season of True Detective. HBO also made the entire Internet do the slow wall slide of NOOOOOOOO by announcing that Vince Vaughn and his fried puffed potato face will also star. Vince Vaughn is a perfect casting decision, because the answers to all of life’s greatest mysteries cling to the hairy branches of the weeping willow hanging out of his nose.
Deadline says that HBO also announced that Justin Lin (he directed a few of those Fast & Furious movies) will direct the first 2 episodes which start shooting in L.A. this fall. HBO also queefed up this riveting and highly detailed plot synopsis:
“Three police officers and a career criminal must navigate a web of conspiracy in the aftermath of a murder.”
Colin will play, Ray Velcoro, one of the three cops who’s torn between a corrupt police department and the mobster who owns his ass. Vince Vaughn will play career criminal, Frank Semyon (I’m going to pronounce that SEMEN, FYI), who’s afraid of losing his empire when his move into legitimate business is ruined by the murder of a business partner. Deadline says that Taylor Kitsch is pretty much set for one of the other cop roles and the other cop role, a chick, is still being cast.
Last Thursday, Rosario Dawson, Jessica Biel (WHY?!!!!), Abigail Spencer, Malin Akerman, Oona Chaplin, Jaimie Alexander and Brit Marling all read for the female lead in front of series creator Nic Pizzolatto. Keira Knightley is also being considered for a role, apparently.
The first season of True Detective starred Woody the Bartender from Cheers and the star of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and everyone had their tongues stuck to that show’s b-hole, so maybe Vince Vaughn will surprise everyone! Just to be safe, the director should make Vince Vaughn shoot every scene while eating an ice cream, because Vince Vaughn sucking off an ice cream is non-stop entertainment.
And judging by the casting so far, I’m guessing that True Detective season 3 will star Kevin James, Hooch from Turner & Hooch and legendary crime solvers Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. I wish.