Category: Future Mistakes
In “Bitch You Need The Work” News: Lindsay Lohan Turned Down A Burger King Commercial
Page Six says that everyone’s favorite unemployed freckled slacker Lindsay Lohan, a person seen defining the term “a check is a check” by hustling powdered milkshakes on Instagram, recently turned down a check from Burger King. Lindsay was offered the starring role in a commercial for Spicy Chicken Fries, a job which would require her to dress up like a giant chicken fries box and pretend to smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette. Apparently the Apricot Ashtray – who hasn’t technically had a job since Speed-The-Plow ended – thought that shit was degrading, and she and her management company tried to get BK to change the direction of the commercial. BK wouldn’t budge, so Lohan gave the commercial a hard pass.
But a “source” close to the situation (Dina Lohan, who no doubt would love to get her hands on some of those delicious chicken fries) seems to think Lindsay shouldn’t be so damn picky about where her next check comes from.
“She’s broke, sleeping at different guys’ apartments, but she thinks she’s Elizabeth Taylor.”
Ashtray, PLEASE. Has she forgotten that some of the biggest jewels in the crown of Elizabeth Taylor’s career were her perfume commercials? If Lohan was truly committed to idolizing Elizabeth Taylor, she would have slipped on that chicken fry costume, pretended she was on the set of a big-budget studio picture, and delivered all her lines with the confidence of a woman who knows she’s about to cash a check and buy a gorgeous new pair of 8lb diamond earrings and a fresh set of nails.
If Burger King is still interested in Lindsay Lohan, they could always try to sweeten the deal by offering to let her dub the Arabic version of her commercial for an extra $200. I’m sure she’d love the practice.
Here’s Lindsay out shopping in London last week at a store that I mistakenly read as PLINKO.
Lisa Turtle Is Getting Married A Bunch Of Times To The Same Guy (UPDATE)
Even though Dustin Diamond will forever will be the undisputed holder of the title for Messiest Mess from Saved By The Bell, it’s nice to see his former TV crush doing her part to remind us all that Screech isn’t the only one who can cause the rest of the SBTB cast to see her name pop up in the news and utter the words, “Oh boy, what now.”
TMZ says that Lark Voorhies, aka Bayside’s acid-washed rich bitch legend Lisa Turtle, has been spending her days getting married a bunch of times to a music engineer she met a year ago on Facebook named Jimmy Green. According to TMZ, they had a commitment ceremony on April 1st and were legally married in Las Vegas on April 30th,. They’re planning another wedding sometime next year. No word on whether or not their first dance will be The Sprain.
Jimmy tells TMZ (never have three words potentially cursed a marriage more) that they’ve never lived together, and they’re currently looking for a place to live. So on top of everything, we can add “marrying a guy she already married that she still doesn’t live with” to that already messy sentence above.
I’m going to guess the reason Lisa Turtle and Facebook Jimmy keep getting married is because Jimmy keeps fucking up in the wedding day dress code department. I don’t know if that picture above is from their commitment ceremony or their Vegas wedding, but sloppy jeans and a t-shirt is clearly far too casual for Lark’s dramatic 1980s Palm Beach sunglasses-indoors society wife eleganza.
UPDATE: “Oh boy, what now” is right. Apparently Facebook Jimmy is wanted by the police for failing to appear in court after he was arrested for threatening to kill a store owner back in 2012. Kelly and Jessie, come get your girl – she needs you.
Pic: TMZ
And Now For The Dramatic Instagram Fight Between Demi Lovato And The Artist Responsible For Her “Vagina Tattoo”
For those of you staring at Demi Lovato’s body like it’s a Magic Eye picture and wondering if you’ll ever see the vagina, take a look at her left wrist. Technically, that wrinkly pair of pink lips is supposed to be a tattoo of a kiss, and it’s something Demi got back in her not-sober days. Eventually Demi realized she had what looked like a gaping pussy permanently drawn on her body, and she finally decided to get it covered up a couple weeks ago. Demi posted a picture of a black and white rose where her pussy-looking tattoo used to be to Instagram with the caption:
“Thank you SO MUCH to my brother @GEESPOTAT2…It looks beaaauutiful and I LOVE it!! #RIPvaginatattoo #kidsdontdodrugs”
Of course, it was only a matter of time before the tattoo artist responsible for Demi’s snatch stamp, Ashley McMullen, showed up and responded to the giant passive aggressive dump Demi took on her work by dragging her on Instagram.
Jay Z Wants You To Know That Tidal Is Great And It’s Totally Not A Huge Disaster
Even his best buddy Kanye West is like “Sure, Jan Z.” To fight off the rumors that his new music-streaming service Tidal is a giant steaming pile of FAIL, Jay Z went on Twitter to explain in a long-ass rant that everything is fine and Tidal is great and don’t pay any attention to whatever you’ve heard, because it’s all lies. Jay Z created the hashtag #TidalFacts, but he really should have called it #TidalDothProtestTooMuch, because 15 tweets about how your company isn’t a huge mess is a lot of tweets.
Since your index finger will no doubt cramp up after scrolling thought that many tweets, and a finger injury could have a negative effect on your sex life/canned frosting-eating life, I’ve compiled them all into one single thought.
Tyga Might Have Gotten Kylie Jenner’s Name Tattooed On His Arm
Say it with me now: BIG MISTAKE. BIG. HUGE. Although I doubt he can hear us over the sound of Chris Hansen repeatedly kicking out chairs and inviting him to have a seat.
You can barely see the future mistake in question, but that new-looking tattoo on Tyga’s right elbow might say “Kylie”, and no, it’s not a tribute to pocket-sized chanteuse Kylie Minogue (a decision that would never be considered a future mistake). Yesterday, a picture popped up on the internet of Tyga allegedly showing off a tattoo he got in honor of his 17-year-old girlfriend, customized A League of Their Own action figure (Marla Hooch, never forget) Kylie Jenner. TMZ swears Tyga’s Kylie tattoo is real. A “source” (Pimp Mama Kris holding her cellphone in one hand and her Stunt Queen’s Choice™ DIY tattoo kit in the other) claims Tyga got it to prove he’s committed to Kylie and “no one else.”
Here’s the picture. Grab your magnifying glass, because it’s time to Jessica Fletcher this shit:
Since everything on the internet is a goddamn lie, I am deeply suspicious of this picture. First of all, Tyga is standing beside what looks like an underage girl and he’s not even hitting on her? Yeah, okay. Second, Tyga stood within breathing distance of a girl and Tyga’s baby mama Blac Chyna didn’t drag her ass all over Instagram? Sure. Third, Tyga’s new tattoo wasn’t unveiled during a ‘casual’ Kardashian family pap stroll that was carefully choreographed by PMK in an attempt to yank some of the attention away from Bruce Jenner? Yuh huh.
So does this mean Kylie might declare her love for Tyga by getting a “Tyga” tattoo? Wait – is she even old enough? Yeah, something tells me that’s irrelevant.
Amber Rose Really, Really Wants To Get Back Together With Wiz Khalifa
Despite the fact that practically every day since Amber Rose called it quits on her husband of one year Wiz Khalifa has been a dramatic social media shouting match MESS, it looks like Amber Rose still dreams of being Mrs. Cheez Whiz. I know, cue up all your Michael Bluth “Him?“s. Yesterday, Amber professed her undying love to Wiz on Instagram (of course) by posting a picture of the two of them tongue humping each other with the following admission that she’s clearly next-level dickmatized:
“My #ManCrushEveryday you know what it is…. We went wrong somewhere and even if we never ever get back together (Even tho I pray, dream and hope we do) he will forever be the love of my life. The media doesn’t make it easy but fuck them we gotta live for reality and not society. We forever have a bond because we made a beautiful baby from our Love. Through all the ups and downs of our relationship my heart still beats for him every single day. I’m sick of putting on a front like I’m happy without him. I’m not. He makes me happy. He’s the only one who can. Regardless of how our lives Turn out in the long run he will always be the skinny tatted up stoner that has my heart.”
Oh brother. If only Amber had a Loretta Castorini in her life to grab her by the shoulders and tell her to snap out of it. Then again, I doubt it would do any good; she’d just spin around, pop her giant booty and go “Okay, now slap this one! Wait – lemme grab the video camera.”
I get that Amber’s coochie is lonesome for Wiz’s skinny tattoo needle dick, but that’s because it doesn’t know any better. According to a fact I just made up, crotch parts aren’t very smart, so even if your brain is like “Kick that scrub to the curb and delete their number!“, your crotch parts will be like “Aw, but remember the time they humped you so hard you went cross-eyed for 2 hours? That was nice, right?”
Here’s Amber taking a break from sitting at her window and singing “Somewhere Out There” like a horny Fievel at some skate shop opening a few days ago with Nick Cannon:
Pics: Splash