Category: Lark Voorhies

Dustin Diamond Is In The Hospital, Cancer Feared

January 12, 2021 / Posted by:

To say Dustin Diamond has struggled since child stardom would be putting it mildly. He’s been broke, made a sex tape, wrote a tell-all memoir entitled Behind the Bell (in which he claimed to have banged 2,000 women), stabbed a guy in a bar fight, went to jail, got out, went to jail again, and appeared on Celebrity Big Brother with Courtney Stodden. OK, that last one’s actually something to brag about. But this past weekend was another hard time for Dustin; he was hospitalized in Florida, and the prognosis is likely cancer.

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Open Post: Hosted By Lark Voorhies Returning As Lisa Turtle In The “Saved By The Bell” Reboot

October 29, 2020 / Posted by:

Our throaty cries of “JUSTICE FOR LISA TURTLE” have not been in vain! According to Entertainment Weekly, Lark Voorhies, who played Bayside High’s most glamorous student, will be back for the upcoming Saved By The Bell reboot after all. Lark, who probably taught Elizabeth Berkley everything she needed to know about HIGH FASHION in preparation for her eventual role in the Best Picture In The Entire World Don’t @ Me winning film Showgirls, is the last of the original cast members (save Screech who has been, um, otherwise occupied) to be announced for reboot.

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Lark Voorhies Is Sad She Wasn’t Asked Back For The “Saved By The Bell” Reboot

February 19, 2020 / Posted by:

As I’m sure you’ve heard, NBC is rebooting Saved by the Bell for two very important reasons: 1. It’s 2020 so you have to revive anything that flickered onto our TV screens for even one goddamn second (still unironically waiting on that Just Shoot Me reboot, by the way), and, 2. Monies. Last we heard, the King of Smug Blonde Privilege himself, Zack Morris (aka Mark-Paul Gosselaar), had signed on to star, along with Jessie “Elizabeth Berkley” Spano, and A.C. “Mario Lopez” Slater. But what about Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Dustin Diamond, and Lark Voorhies? Well, no official word from Tiffani or Dustin (but, like, Dustin Diamond ain’t getting asked, let’s be real), but our beloved Lisa Turtle confirmed she wasn’t offered to be a part of it. Lark Voorhies discussed her sadness over the snub on Dr. Oz, while giving us business woman Marilyn Monroe.

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Lisa Turtle’s Estranged Husband Is Shopping Around A Sex Tape

October 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Here I was thinking that maybe just maybe Lark Voorhies’ divorce from her husband of a second would go smoothly and wouldn’t get messy. It’s nice to know that there’s a gram of “naive bitch” in the mush of bitterness and cynicalness I call a brain.

Last week, Lark filed papers to legally quit Jimmy Green’s ass after 6 months of marriage. Jimmy told TMZ that their Facebook love affair withered up because of her mother. Lark’s mother took out a restraining order against Jimmy Green for reasons we don’t know. Well, my eyeballs are also about to file a restraining order against Jimmy Green, because he tells TMZ that he’s looking for someone to buy a sex tape he made with Lark. Jimmy says that Lark was all for the sex tape and was all for him selling it. But Lark tells TMZ that if there is a sex tape, it was recorded without her knowing and she doesn’t want it out there. Jimmy, being the charming gentleman that he is, says that Lark can’t change her mind now.

I hate the universe right now. It keeps giving us Saved By The Bell sex tapes that we never ever asked for. Absolutely nobody asked for that sucio tape of Screech Dirty Sancez’ing his piece. I know some kinky, dirty whores and even they didn’t ask for that. And now the universe is giving us a sex tape starring a current day Lark Voorhies, who is not in a good place, with her leech of a husband? Dear universe, you have to make it up to us by giving us a Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez sex tape. Hell, I’d even take a Miss Bliss and Mr. Belding sex tape over this.

Pic: Wenn.com

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Lisa Turtle’s Marriage Of Six Months Is Over

October 22, 2015 / Posted by:

The Internet formed a prayer circle around Lark Voorhies a while ago and that prayer circle doubled a few months ago when we all learned that she married a dude who was allegedly wanted by police in Arizona for threatening to murder a store owner. Lark’s mother said a while ago that she has bipolar disorder and doesn’t properly treat it, so we all thought, “What could go wrong in that marriage?!” It seemed like one of those “This Is Not Going To End Well” things and well, it’s ended, and her soon-to-be ex husband claims the entire marriage was a disaster.

Last April, Lark Voorhies made Jimmy Green her third husband in Las Vegas after meeting him on Facebook a year earlier. Just a few months after they got hitched, Lark’s mom Tricia got a restraining order against her new son-in-law. Even though Tricia didn’t want Jimmy anywhere near her, she still spent time with her daughter. Jimmy tells TMZ that Tricia is the reason why his marriage ate shit after only a few months and why he changed his Facebook status to single.

TMZ says that Lark is the one who filed for divorce. In the documents, she says that she doesn’t want to pay Jimmy any spousal support.

Jimmy tells TMZ that he would’ve been the one to file, but he doesn’t know how. I just…. I mean…. Jimmy either didn’t have the money to file or he’s not from L.A. Because I was born and raised in L.A., and the first thing they taught us in elementary school is how to file for divorce. They figured that we’d be doing that a lot in our lives.

Pic: Wenn.com

Lisa Turtle Is Getting Married A Bunch Of Times To The Same Guy (UPDATE)

June 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though Dustin Diamond will forever will be the undisputed holder of the title for Messiest Mess from Saved By The Bell, it’s nice to see his former TV crush doing her part to remind us all that Screech isn’t the only one who can cause the rest of the SBTB cast to see her name pop up in the news and utter the words, “Oh boy, what now.

TMZ says that Lark Voorhies, aka Bayside’s acid-washed rich bitch legend Lisa Turtle, has been spending her days getting married a bunch of times to a music engineer she met a year ago on Facebook named Jimmy Green. According to TMZ, they had a commitment ceremony on April 1st and were legally married in Las Vegas on April 30th,. They’re planning another wedding sometime next year. No word on whether or not their first dance will be The Sprain.

Jimmy tells TMZ (never have three words potentially cursed a marriage more) that they’ve never lived together, and they’re currently looking for a place to live. So on top of everything, we can add “marrying a guy she already married that she still doesn’t live with” to that already messy sentence above.

I’m going to guess the reason Lisa Turtle and Facebook Jimmy keep getting married is because Jimmy keeps fucking up in the wedding day dress code department. I don’t know if that picture above is from their commitment ceremony or their Vegas wedding, but sloppy jeans and a t-shirt is clearly far too casual for Lark’s dramatic 1980s Palm Beach sunglasses-indoors society wife eleganza.

UPDATE:Oh boy, what now” is right. Apparently Facebook Jimmy is wanted by the police for failing to appear in court after he was arrested for threatening to kill a store owner back in 2012. Kelly and Jessie, come get your girl – she needs you.

Pic: TMZ

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