Huh, I always thought that acting like a mess was the kind of thing that would land Bethenny Frankel a job, not lose her one. But I guess that only applies to Real Housewives appearances.
Last April, Bethenny got a limited-run weekly talk show on Andy Cohen’s SiriusXM channel called B Real with Bethenny. On August 10th, Bethenny announced she was taking a summer break and would be back in the fall. Well, it’s definitely fall, and B Real with Bethenny still hasn’t returned. According to Page Six, it’s never coming back, and it’s all thanks to that drunk tantrum she threw at a Coldplay show in the Hamptons this summer.
Page Six says that everyone’s favorite unemployed freckled slacker Lindsay Lohan, a person seen defining the term “a check is a check” by hustling powdered milkshakes on Instagram, recently turned down a check from Burger King. Lindsay was offered the starring role in a commercial for Spicy Chicken Fries, a job which would require her to dress up like a giant chicken fries box and pretend to smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette. Apparently the Apricot Ashtray – who hasn’t technically had a job since Speed-The-Plow ended – thought that shit was degrading, and she and her management company tried to get BK to change the direction of the commercial. BK wouldn’t budge, so Lohan gave the commercial a hard pass.
But a “source” close to the situation (Dina Lohan, who no doubt would love to get her hands on some of those delicious chicken fries) seems to think Lindsay shouldn’t be so damn picky about where her next check comes from.
“She’s broke, sleeping at different guys’ apartments, but she thinks she’s Elizabeth Taylor.”
Ashtray, PLEASE. Has she forgotten that some of the biggest jewels in the crown of Elizabeth Taylor’s career were her perfume commercials? If Lohan was truly committed to idolizing Elizabeth Taylor, she would have slipped on that chicken fry costume, pretended she was on the set of a big-budget studio picture, and delivered all her lines with the confidence of a woman who knows she’s about to cash a check and buy a gorgeous new pair of 8lb diamond earrings and a fresh set of nails.
If Burger King is still interested in Lindsay Lohan, they could always try to sweeten the deal by offering to let her dub the Arabic version of her commercial for an extra $200. I’m sure she’d love the practice.
Here’s Lindsay out shopping in London last week at a store that I mistakenly read as PLINKO.
And I bet the planning went something like this: (phone ringing) “Hey Oprah? It’s me. What do you mean ‘who?’, it’s Lindsay Lohan! Listen, I’ve got a great idea. I saw that HBO has this docu-series about a washed-up actress with red hair named Valerie-something trying to make a career comeback, and I was like OMG we should totally do the same thing! Hello? Hello?”
Since things are going so well for Lindsay Lohan in London (ie: she’s actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible), it sounds like the Apricot Ashtray is considering tip-toeing back to Hollywood and try her freckled hand at movies again. A source close to LiLo (a Franzia-drunk Dina screaming over Skype) tells Radar that when Speed-The-Plow wraps on November 29th, she’s going to be in the market for a new job, and currently she’s interested in applying for the position of “professional movie star”:
“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”
In case you were wondering, IMDB says those three “big movies” are a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. So technically she is doing movies again, but none of them count because they’re not Life-Size 2. I want a sequel to Life-Size, dammit!
I don’t doubt that Lindsay can make a comeback, and I honestly want her to because I’ve got a soft-spot in my heart for that lil’ sunset-colored mess, but she’ll never be as great as she once was, and no, I’m not talking about the Mean Girls years. I’m talking about her smoky-voiced bottle-smashing busted wig-wearing performance in Liz & Dick! Nothing will ever compare to the next-level thespian genius that is Lindsay shouting “I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED.“
After spending the last several weeks hunched over one of the gem-encrusted golden toilets at Kensington Palace barfing her knocked-up guts out, Duchess Kate is finally well enough to slip on a pair of pantyhose and pull out the eyeliner and return to work. Praise be to the pregnancy gods! It’s been too long since Duchess Kate smiled and waved and wore a silly little hat and wore an outfit that sold out in 0.03 seconds! Curse you, hyperemesis gravidarum, you Harry Potter-sounding hurl-making killjoy!
The Daily Mail says that Kate’s first job back from sick leave was to pack up the royal fetus in a fancy Alexander McQueen coat and join Prince William at Buckingham Palace to install new drywall in the den and re-paint the powder room. No! It was to welcome the President of Singapore and his wife. They shook hands! They drank tea! Duchess Kate tried very hard to keep from using her tiny hat as a makeshift barf bag! Meanwhile, Prince Harry was also chilling out in Buckingham Palace with a case of the sicks too, but it was because one of the guards dared him to chug 6 Jägerbombs and play spinny bat with St. Edward’s Sceptre the night before.
After they met with the President of Singapore, Kate and Will then whistled for the valet to bring around their horse-drawn whip and they went home. Phew! What a day! Sounds exhausting. But really, all sarcasm aside, I’m sure it was exhausting. Have you ever tried to work with a case of the barfs? It’s fucking DIFFICULT! And I’ve heard that morning sickness is like a hangover dry humped food poisoning, so I bet Kate was working overtime to make sure she didn’t blow crumpet chunks on the President or his wife.
Here’s more of Kate and William working 9 to 5 (9:00am to 9:05am). Fun Fact! Kate is about 13 weeks pregnant, which means that judging by the size of her tummy bump, that puts my bloated cheeseburger locker at around 24 weeks. Congratulations to me!
When Jenny McCarthy pretended that she was “leaving” The View because someone with a damp washcloth for a brain gave her dumb ass a job, I assumed her next gig would be either an uncredited cameo in an online yogurt commercial or co-hosting a Canadian reality show (it’s possible; Canada proved there’s no obnoxious Hollywood has-been too Z-list when they gave The Deaner a show). So you can imagine how far my jaw dropped when I learned that Jenny McCarthy landed an actual legitimate job.
EW says that SiriusXM announced this morning that the XM in their name stands for X-treme Morons by confirming that they’ve given Jenny McCarthy her own radio show. Dirty, Sexy, Funny with Jenny McCarthy will have a limited run beginning July 16th and will be a weekly, hour-long series. The show will also be live, because what did I just say about Sirius being x-treme morons? Jenny McCarthy, who is probably just as shocked as the rest of us that she managed to score a job that doesn’t involve sucking off e-cigs, released a statement confirming that only Sherri Shepherd will be collecting unemployment checks from ABC:
“It’s no secret that I love to talk. I’m excited to do it on SiriusXM without having to interrupt anyone or keep things clean. You can bet your sweet ass this show will live up to its title.”
So SiriusXM had to fire one shit-for-brains for being a dumb loudmouth and now they’ve gone and hired another shit-for-brains who they’ll no doubt end up firing for being a dumb loudmouth. I’m sure a SiriusXM intern is re-writing the press release apology as we speak. “Should I change ‘hate-filled remarks’ to ‘irresponsible remarks about vaccines’ or just leave it blank and see what she farts out on the 16th?”
And because a bitch always needs a fall-back plan, here’s Jenny hosting a pool party at the Palazzo Hotel in Las Vegas on Friday.
No, you’re not looking at a still from Tim Burton’s future remake of Disney’s Maleficent, where Maleficent is played by a sans-fards Winona Ryder, Sleeping Beauty is played by Amber Heard (because that bitch could teach a master class in acting like you’re falling asleep), and Johnny Depp plays the prince, the 3 fairies, the voice of the dragon, and the man who reminds you that Tim Burton can no longer be trusted to make good movies.
The crazy thing is, what I just described isn’t so far-fetched. According to Radar Online, Winona used to think about the idea of reuniting with Johnny Depp and Tim Burton for a film and get the same tinglies she used to get every time she’d wear her extra-large stealin’ coat to Saks, but NOT ANYMORE! Ever since Johnny left his long-term girlfriend and baby mama, Vanessa Paradis, for 27-year-old Amber, Wino’s feelings for Jack Sparrow have been downgraded from ‘We cool’ to ‘No bitch, we ain’t cool’:
“The way he conducted that affair really upset Winona and turned her off to Johnny,” the insider said.
“The thing she especially can’t stand is how all of Johnny’s middle-aged friends, even Tim Burton, are cheering this relationship on like it’s appropriate, when Winona is telling her own friends that it’s absolutely not.
“She’s pulled a 180 on her opinion of Johnny and his cronies because she thinks it’s a sad cliché that he’d dump his long-term baby mama for a woman in her twenties.”
I guess she’s never seen this chart tracking how Johnny Depp keeps getting older but his on-screen love interests stay around the same age (how David Wooderson of you, Johnny). Here’s why she shouldn’t take their relationship that seriously: Statistics have shown there’s like a 90% guarantee that if you’re a rich dude turning 50, you’re going to wake up one morning with the overwhelming desire to leave your wife and find something young and dumb to stick your dick in. Then, after 6-12 months of having to listen to the same goddamn story about “This one time, at Coachella…” they finally realize they’ve made a terrible mistake, pack up her High School Musical overnight bag, and send her home. Winona needs to understand that she’s no longer dealing with her friend Johnny; Johnny’s gone away for a while, and his mid-life crisis is now in charge.