Next Up On The List Of Questionable Decisions Made By Cameron Diaz And/Or Benji Madden…

Seven weeks after he made it legal with legendary dick hunter and Razzie award-winning actress Cameron Diaz (which, to be honest, is probably six weeks longer than Cammy’s hungry coochie expected this shit to last), Benji Madden went and paid tribute to the current love of his life and partner in questionable decisions by getting her name tattooed across his chest. I’m not familiar with tattoo terminology, but is this what’s known in the body mod biz as a “future cover-up”?

Benji “Not The Cute Dog Benji” Madden posted a picture of his new Cameron chest tattoo to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “Thinking bout you❤️❤️❤️ #LuckyMan“, and he didn’t specify who that ‘you’ he was thinking bout, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he was referring to Cameron Diaz. Or maybe it had nothing to do with that tattoo? Maybe it was actually a message to the pirate dentist who did his gold tooth. “Thinking bout you, Scurvy St. Rum-Swiller, DDS – xo #Y’arrr”

Obviously, a famous trick getting another famous trick’s name tattooed on their body is pretty much a guaranteed way for two famous tricks to jinx the hell out of their relationship, but at least Cameron is a generic enough name that he won’t feel too badly when they eventually break up. There are so many options! He could tell people it’s in honor of Cameron Frye from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or he could change the E to an apostrophe and say it’s because he’s a huge Cam’ron fan.

Or he could throw in an extra couple of Os, turn it into Cameroooooon, and pay tribute to drag superstar BeBe Zahara Benet. That’s what I’d do.

(via Benji Madden)

Today In “Great Decisions”: Nick Gordon Got A Bobbi Kristina Tattoo

Leave it to Nick Gordon to take an already icky situation and add one extra thick layer of poor taste to it. Even the dirty tennis balls attached to the feet of that chair in the far right corner are like “Ugh, leave us out of this.”

While Bobbi Kristina Brown is still in a hospital bed hooked up to a life support machine after she was found unconscious in her bathtub nearly three weeks ago, her former sort-of brother/pretend husband/current shady boyfriend has been keeping himself busy. Nick Gordon, who is currently the subject of a criminal investigation after exhibiting some suspicious-as-hell behavior on the day of Bobbi Kristina’s bathtub emergency, decided to honor the memory of his still technically alive girlfriend with a tattoo of her name. Nick recently showed off his new tattoo on Facebook. Sadly, he can’t show it off to Bobbi Kristina in real life, because he’s been banned from the hospital by her family.

Everything about this is a damn mess. First of all, that tattoo looks like it was done by a dude named Sliver with a ballpoint pen and a dull sewing machine needle in the parking lot of a CVS. Second, nothing says “You might want to start questioning me more” like getting the name of the person cops are currently questioning your ass about. Third, it’s a good thing tattoos can’t talk, because about 2 seconds after Nick got that tacky tribute to Bobbi Kristina, I’m sure Nick’s Whitney Houston tattoo would have hissed “Oh, hell to the no.“

Katy Perry Celebrated Her Half-Time Show Performance By Getting A Super Bowl-Themed Tattoo

Because Katy Perry is a 16-year-old wannabe high school parking lot-smoking badass trapped inside the body of a 13-year-old middle school girl trapped inside the body of a 30-year-old woman (who is dressed like Cookie Lyon, for some reason), she decided to commemorate her epic come-to-life sticker book Super Bowl half-time show performance by sneaking a couple of her dad’s beers into her Keroppi mini backpack and bribing her older sister’s art school drop-out friend Kayde to give her a stick-poke tattoo in his mother’s basement. Okay, so technically it was done by professional tattoo artist backstage, but you know she was pretending it was done on a dirty couch using a safety pin and a ballpoint pen.

I assumed Katy would get a portrait of those awesome sharks, but instead she paid tribute to the 49th Super Bowl by getting the Roman numerals XLIX on her ring finger:

Maybe it’s just me, but XLIX looks like the name of a straight edge strip club. It’s just me, I know. But the best part of Katy’s future finger mistake is that eventually her skin will get all saggy and wrinkled and that XLIX tattoo will look like it says CLIT. Hell, it already does if you squint a little. But getting a future clit tattoo wasn’t the only poor decision Katy made last night; look who joined her after the Super Bowl:

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Twice-Married Sean Penn Says Charlize Theron Would Be His “First Marriage”

The dampest, dirtiest rag at the bottom of the laundry room rag bag Sean Penn has been married twice and divorced twice to two very famous people (Madonna and Jen-nay from Forrest Gump), but according to Sean Penn, neither of those count, and if he got married to Charlize Theron, the woman he is possibly maybe engaged to, it would be his first. Sean Penn – who has also claimed in the past that no one has ever loved him – tells Esquire UK (via UsWeekly):

“Yes, I’d get married again. You say I’ve been married twice before but I’ve been married under circumstances where I was less informed than I am today, so I wouldn’t even consider it a third marriage, I’d consider it a first marriage on its own terms if I got married again.”

Don’t worry, I’m sure both Madonna and Robin Wright also like to pretend they were never married to Sean Penn. And I’m sure if you asked them, they’d use the same excuse. “Yeah, it doesn’t count because I wasn’t properly informed that I was marrying a talking sphincter.” Although according to Sean Penn, he’s still on good terms with his first ex-wife and his second ex-wife….’s kids:

“I’m very friendly with my first ex-wife. I would say that I’m on extremely good terms with the children I share with my second ex-wife.”

“Thanks, Dad” hissed Sean’s two kids with Robin Wright. “Save that thought for the future when someone asks you about our relationship” thought Baby Jackson. But back to that whole “first marriage” thing. Does that mean that if Sean gets married to Charlize, he’ll refer to her as his “first wife”? I know it should technically be “my future third ex-wife”, but “first wife” works too, I guess. But at least he’s sort of self aware:

“I’m just another asshole trying to feel good about himself. And why shouldn’t I? That’s what everybody should try to do.”

That’s good, but there are too many words after “asshole”.

Charlize Theron’s Son Jackson Might Be Known As Jackson Penn Soon

I’m not sure what’s going on with Sean Penn’s face in this picture, but I will say it reminds me of the time I fell asleep on a sandwich. Make of that what you will. The last time we checked in with human-sized piece of clogged shower drain hair Sean Penn, he had maybe slipped an engagement ring on Charlize Theron’s mistake makin’ finger. And now, according to UsWeekly, he’s also slipped some adoption papers into her hand, because he wants to be her son Jackson’s legal daddy. That mistake makin’ hand sure is busy. A source says:

“Sean always knew that to truly earn a place in Charlize’s heart, connecting with Jackson was one of the most important parts.”

And Jackson might not be the only kid cringing at the thought of having to call a ragey piece of Jack Links jerky “Pep-Pep”; according to the source, Charlize and Sean are also thinking about adopting a baby. Literally every womb-dwelling baby in the greater Los Angeles area just got really nervous. Sean already has two children (Dylan, 23, and Hopper, 21) from the time he was married to Robin Wright. But unlike Sean’s biological children, Jackson and New Baby will never have to worry about inheriting their father’s regurgitated prune face.

The only silver lining to getting adopted by Sean Penn that I can think of is that he’s already 54, which means that by the time Jackson is old enough to know who his dad is, Sean Penn will already be well into his napping-on-the-couch years. At least I hope he will be. Usually by the time you hit 60, your phone-throwing asshole years are behind you.

Taylor Swift Is Reportedly Trying To Lock-Down Leonardo DiCaprio As Her Next Boyfriend

“Boy…friend? What is a boy friend?” asked a confused Leonardo DiCaprio from high atop a Jenga-like tower of 27 nameless naked models.

According to the journalistic vanguard that is The National Enquirer, Taylor Swift has set her beady-little boy crazy eyes on the current most accurate visual definition of the word itchy, Leo DiCaprio. That sound you just heard was four dozen panty models running down the deck of the S. S. Snatch Catcher to the communal laptop to update their Model Mayhem portfolios for fear that they might soon be out of a job.

The Enquirer claims that Tay Tay demanded her manager set up a meeting with DiDi to see if he was boyfriend material. Spoiler alert: HE’S NOT. Apparently he passed the test, and Tay Tay invited him to hang out with her in New York. She has also been texting him relentlessly, as is Taylor Swift’s custom. A source also says that Leo is “turned on” by her success, and that Tay Tay thinks they’d be the perfect “power couple.” Of course, a source close to Leo (Lukas Haas working hard while hardly working) tells Gossip Cop that it’s 100% butterscotch-scented bullshit.

You don’t have to be Detective Olivia Benson – the human, not the cat – to know this story is all kinds of questionable. First of all, there definitely wasn’t a second date after Tay Tay realized the person her manager had set her up with was neither Jack from Titanic or Romeo from Romeo+Juliet. Second, Tay Tay has a full-time job, which means she can’t spend 11 months of the year floating aimlessly on a yacht, which is Leo’s No.1 deal breaker. Third, we all know that Taylor is really into pussies, but the only girls-into-pussies that Leo is interested in are the ones who can fill in during Threesome Thursdays at Casa DiCaprio. Don’t worry Tay Tay – there’s plenty more hobo-looking man sluts in the sea.