Heidi Klum Who?

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s the visual definition of demure sophistication!

Every year, we all hear about how Heidi Klum is the Queen of Halloween and nobody does it like her and blah blah blah blah fart blah. Yeah, it probably took a million hours, a team of 12 and thousands of dollars to transform Heidi Klum into a terrifying fun hour mirror melting Amanda LePore mannequin, but she still didn’t win Halloween. The true winner of Halloween was the living fiber optic flower lamp that is Bai Ling who showed Heidi Klum that all she needs to transform into another character is $8, a couple of coupons and a pussy waxing kit.

Bai Ling really hit up the clearance costume section at Walgreens, because she transformed into several characters including SuperRose, Lady Spock and a much more elegant Leeloo from The Fifth Element. Bai Ling transformed into all of those characters while doing an almost-naked photo shoot by the train tracks in L.A. for the paparazzi. Bai Ling gave us modesty (see: the picture of her covering up her precious oyster) and art (see: the picture of her posing in front of “slut” graffiti). Bai Ling not only took the gold medal at the Slutoween Olympics, but she also set an untouchable bar for ho stroll photo shoots. Don’t be surprised tomorrow if I post pictures of Phoebe Price trying to outdo Bai Ling by posing fully naked on Skid Row.

And somebody snatch the Halloween crown off of Heidi Klum and place it where it really belongs: Bai Ling’s gorgeous goddess head.

Pics: Wenn.com

Prince Hot Ginge Was The Sexiest Third Wheel At The “Spectre” Premiere

By the way, I’m typing this on a Braille keyboard, because I’ve had THAT PICTURE of Prince Hot Ginge taped onto my face since Friday. “Did you do something to your hair? You look so much better!” is what I heard all weekend from my family and friends.

The London premiere of the 24th James Bond movie, Spectre, happened tonight and Prince Hot Ginge was there, because DUH, there was an open bar and I’m sure the place was filled with stringy dishwater blondes he could make out with behind the concession counter. PHG brought along those other two, Prince William and Duchess Kate, because they never ever get out of the house and needed a date night.

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Be Still My Everything: The Ravishing Beauty Of Naomi Judd

I thought I felt a little earthquake this afternoon and now I know it was from dozens of people in Las Vegas falling over and hitting the ground when Naomi Judd knocked them out with her glamour and gorgeousness.

The temperature in Las Vegas went up at least 100 degrees today and it’s all Naomi Judd’s fault for serving up so much piping hot elegance and exquisiteness at the launch of The Judds’ residency at The Venetian. It even looks like Wynonna Judd’s face melted a little from being so close to her hot mother. Naomi Judd’s face gets straights As. I don’t even care if it looks like her left eyebrow took a bite out of her right eyebrow. Her eyebrow game gets an A+, her lip liner game gets an A++ and those spider lashes get an A+++. Naomi Judd looks like the most opulent Christmas tree topper of all time. Liberace would so put her on top of his tree. There really are no words. This is perfection and everybody in the world should strive to look like this!

Pics: Wenn.com

As Expected, Miley Cyrus Gave You Demure Modesty At The MTV VMAs

If Jane Child and an extra slow, huffing-addicted Predator had a toilet baby and that toilet baby grew up to star in a low-budget porn parody of Barbarella, it would look like the hillbilly chipmunk at tonight’s MTV VMAs.

Miley Cyrus, who is putting the HO in host tonight, showed up to the VMAs looking like a morning-shift prostitution whore-ah in the Battlefield Earth universe. Kelly Preston is probably sitting next to John Travolta and wondering why his ass area is putting out sounds that sound like a puppy licking its mouth after eating peanut butter. Oh, it’s just John’s b-hole puckering from seeing Miley done up like an extravagant Scientology whore.

And if Billy Ray Cyrus gets drunk enough tonight, he’s totally going to sing “Phantom of the Opera” while pretending that the chandelier covering Miley’s crotch is hitting him. Yes, I just showed my theater queen-self with that line.

Pics: Getty

Behold, The Little Mermodel

Something called the World Go Topless Parade happened in Venice Beach, CA on Sunday and when you throw an event in L.A. with the word “topless” in it, you can expect international supermodel and timeless beauty Phoebe Price to magically drop from the sky and grace it with her gorgeous presence. An event with the word “topless” in it is her bat signal.

After Chicken Cutlets became a living floral float of ginger perfection in the World Go Topless Parade, she gave a WORLD EXCLUSIVE photo shoot to the paparazzo she called. Ron Howard probably wishes he would’ve waited 30 years to make Splash, because Daryl Hannah truly can’t hold a candle, match, lighthouse, etc to PP as a mermaid. While working elegant mermaid bell bottoms and a 99 Cent Store plastic shell bra (or maybe those are paper plates she pulled out of a trash can), PP gave the camera some Chicken Cutlets of the Sea demureness. You can’t tell from these pictures, but several ships crashed into sandbars that day, because PP’s ethereal mermaid beauty lured the sailors in.

If Disney ever gets around to making the live-action Little Mermaid, they have found their star!  Although, they’ll have to add a scene that explains why Ariel licks all the thingamabobs in her cave like they’re peens and why she has a pap following her around instead of a crab.

Here’s more pictures of PP displaying beach beauty and split freckled ass cakes.

Pics: Wenn.com

Amal Clooney Brings The Cheap Disco Glamour To A Photo-Op With George Clooney

George and Amal Clooney continued to show the world that they’re the GREATEST COUPLE WHO EVER EXISTED by getting into a good old-fashioned staged canoodling session in front of a photographer at a party for his tequila brand in Ibiza, Spain last night. I’m going to choose to believe that the dude in the black shirt on the right witnessed their love-in-motion earlier in the day and was so inspired that he immediately ran out and got that Amal Clooney tattoo on his arm. (He’ll add the George Clooney tattoo later.)

George and Amal were in Ibiza with Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber over the weekend to whore out their Casamigos tequila. Last night, they threw a launch party at the Ushuaia Ibiza Beach Hotel. You know, Vanity Fair recently put Amal Clooney on their best dressed list and I didn’t see it at all until my eyes landed on these pictures of her wearing a $2,400 dress that looks like it came directly from the closet of Nomi Malone. I love that dress, because it’s gold, sparkly, looks like it was bought from the clearance rack of a Joyce Leslie in New Jersey and would fit in anywhere from the ho stroll in Atlantic City to a Studio 54-theme night at a club in Reno. Those white panties under that slightly see-through dress was a nice, elegant touch too. More of this, Amal! I also love that George Clooney didn’t even try.

And somewhere, Sarah Larson is thinking to herself, “She looks like a cheap cocktail waitress at a bottom level Las Vegas casino. George totally misses me.”

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com