Virginia Giuffre Alleges That Prince Andrew Groped Her With A Puppet Of Himself

Prince Andrew’s longtime accuser Virginia Roberts Giuffre has written a book proposal titled The BIllionaire’s Playboy Club. In it, she writes about the awfulness that happened after she was allegedly lured into Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking ring by Ghislaine Maxwell so many years ago. Virginia has alleged many times that she was trafficked to Prince Andrew, a claim he has denied in a various number of creative ways. Virginia’s book proposal includes some new allegations, like one particularly gross story involving Prince Andrew and a Prince Andrew puppet.

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Smash Mouth, The Voice Of Reason, Thinks Straight Pride Parades Are Stupid

The First Promo For ABC’s TV Remake Of “Dirty Dancing” Is Here 

When you drag your living carcass out of bed tomorrow morning, before you do anything, go to the mirror and say, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” I’d bet my weekly weed budget that your half-asleep, out-of-it ass would say that line with more enthusiasm and charisma than TV Johnny Castle does in the first trailer for the Dirty Dancing remake we really don’t need. If Baby being put in a corner is dependent on Johnny’s delivery of that line, then Baby better forward all her mail to “A Corner” because she’s going to stay there permanently.

A couple of weeks after ABC dribbled out dreadful stills from their Dirty Dancing remake, they’ve released a 30-second teaser trailer and survey says: MESS! This looks like a Dirty Dancing tribute done by the cast of a knock-off Glee TV show that airs on Freeform. Abigail Breslin (who is 21 in real life) looks like she’s barely in junior high school here and Colt Prattes (who is 30 in real life) looks much older than her. So when he asks Baby, who looks like a baby, what her name is, I expected Chris Hansen to jazz walk out and tell Johnny Castle to have a seat in the chair over there.

Get ready to dance and fall in love! #DirtyDancing premieres Wednesday, May 24 on ABC. pic.twitter.com/nb4EcPqMbz

— Debra Messing (@DebraMessing) April 24, 2017

And I have a feeling that there’s going to be gale force winds on the night of May 24th. Because the makers of Dirty Dancing 2, the Dirty Dancing reality show and the Dirty Dancing TV series are all going to breathe out a giant sigh of relief since they’ll no longer be the ones responsible for the worst butchering of Dirty Dancing in history.

Pic: ABC

A Scary Home Invasion Happened At Chris Brown’s House This Morning

I’ll warn you now – there’s a 50/50 chance the words “Poor Chris Brown” will leave your lips after reading this story. TMZ says that around 2:00 this morning, a home invasion and robbery happened at Chris Brown’s new house in the San Fernando Valley. Three armed men forced their way, found his aunt – who I guess lives with him? – and forced her at gunpoint into a closet. They proceeded to grab as much of Chris’ shit as possible, including cash and “other property“, and fled. Chris’s aunt was able to call 911, but the home invaders were gone by the time police arrived.

Chris Brown wasn’t at his house when the home invasion happened. The robbers hit Chris’ house at the exact same time he left a pre-ESPYs party at a club in West Hollywood. This isn’t the first time Chris Brown has come home from partying and discovered that his home had been destroyed. Back in May, Chris returned from a weekend in Las Vegas and found a fan living in his house.

So far, nobody knows who invaded Chris Brown’s house, but TMZ says his mother Mom Breezy thinks it was an inside job done by some of Chris Brown’s “no good-ass friends.” Don’t worry, Justin Bieber – we already know you’ve got an airtight alibi (ie. 2:00 a.m. is at least 6 hours past your bedtime).

I guess this is what can happen if you advertise how your new house is filled with expensive shoes and cars on Instagram and leave said house at the same time every night for the clubs. It’s Chris Brown’s aunt I feel bad for, for two reasons. One, because being woken up at 2:00 in the morning and forced into a closet at gunpoint is terrifying. Two, because she’s related to Chris Brown.

Here’s Chris Brown strolling out of a club at around the same time his house was getting robbed.

Pics: Splash

I Am So Confused

Well, there it is – the image that will replace Kris Jenner’s kamel toe in my nightmares.

Today, Drake premiered the video for “Energy” on Taylor Swift’s favorite music streaming platform, Apple Music and later posted it to his website. The video is…. I honestly have no fucking clue. All I know for sure is that it’s an appropriate video for a song called “Energy“, because watching it made me feel like I had just freebased a can of expired Four Loko.

In the video, Drake’s face is superimposed on several famous people including Miley Cyrus, Rob Ford, Ben Franklin, President Barack Obama, a Ken doll, Kanye West in the Bound 2 video, Justin Bieber, an old white dude, OJ Simpson. He puts Mike Myers in Austin Powers 3 to shame. Here’s the video. Go ahead and watch it before Apple Music yanks it down.

It’s all straight-up terrifying, but this is especially terrifying:

Oprah should expect a frantic phone call from Gayle King any minute now. “Girl, are you ok? I just saw a picture of you, and you look terrible. I’m coming over with some Jolen and my Lady Remington.“

Mila Kunis’ Stalker Is On The Loose After Escaping A Mental Health Facility

Well, this is eight layers of terrifying. According to the NY Daily News, a man who was being held at a mental health facility in Pomona, CA for stalking Mila Kunis escaped on Saturday night, and he’s no where to be found. Mila’s stalker, a 30-year-old guy named Stuart Lynn Dunn, made an “unauthorized departure” at about 8pm, and he hasn’t been seen since. A reporter for ABC News claims he climbed out a bathroom window. Dunn entered the facility back in 2013 after he was arrested for stalking Mila at her gym. Before that, he had allegedly broken into a house she owned.

The NY Daily News says the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department are currently conducting a manhunt for Stuart Lynn Dunn. So far, no one has seen him. Someone call former FBI manhunter Will Graham out of retirement and get him on the case! If anyone can find on-the-loose types, it’s that sexy bitch Will Graham.

Good lord, all of this has me nervously looking over my shoulder and locking my doors, so I can’t imagine what Mila Kunis is feeling right now. It’s one thing to have a stalker, but it’s another thing to have your stalker go MIA over the weekend. Fuck a 12-foot fence, I’m sure Mila and Ashton Kutcher are at the No Creep-O Depot browsing easy-to-install moats filled with guard sharks and reinforced steel security home domes as we speak. Do they make homes that can be suspended 50 feet above the air with a giant pit of fire-breathing gators underneath? I’d consider getting one of those.

Pic: ABC News