We Don’t Need Another Fifty Shades Of Grey Book, But We’re Getting One

As the rest of humanity screams “NO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, MAKE IT STOP!!!!“, the Fifty Shades-obsessed horny mommy types are hauling ass to Home Depot to pick up a new waterproof tarp and a 100-pack of AA batteries in preparation for the second coming (ew, that sounded grosser than I intended).

Earlier today, professional Twilight fanfic writer E.L. James announced on Instagram (via UsWeekly) that she has written another Fifty Shades of Grey book. You know, for those of you who were dying for more mild descriptions of spanking and had $19.99 you felt like flushing down the toilet. As you have probably already gathered from the picture above, E.L.’s new book is called Grey and it’s the Fifty Shades story from Christian Grey’s perspective. Basically, instead of “Oh jeez“, you’ll get “And then I whipped out my throbbing manhood and made her jeez all night long.”

To add another layer of NO onto this already NO-coated story, E.L. James’ says Grey will be published on June 18th, in honor of Christian Grey’s birthday. Why do I get the feeling that E.L. James will be throwing a pretend birthday party on the 18th and putting the icing from that birthday cake somewhere other than in her mouth?

Because I value and treasure my last few working brain cells, I didn’t read any of the Fifty Shades books, but I might actually read Grey, because you know this shit is going to be a mess. E.L. James, a woman who could barely write from the perspective of a woman, writing from the perspective of a dude based on a Twilight vampire might be the best gift she’s ever given to the world. And that’s saying a lot, considering she’s already given us so much.

Pic: Instagram

Jennifer Lopez Got Glitter Bombed By A Scary Clown At The Airport Yesterday

I don’t know what made me release a dribble of scared pee more: the thought of being covered in dirty prickly pocket glitter or the fact that it was delivered BY A SCARY CLOWN. Yep, definitely the scary clown. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I need to change my pants.

While strolling through LAX yesterday, Jennifer Lopez lived my worst nightmare when a dude dressed as a busted Juggalo-looking clown threw a load of glitter in her face. NO! Glitter should only be used for good – never evil. Someone should teach that scary clown some glamour manners.

According to TMZ, the glitter-throwing clown is a dude named Richie the Barber and he’s the same person responsible for covering Khloe Kardashian’s ass in confetti last year. You know, you’d think a barber would know how difficult it is to comb a million particles of shit out of your hair. Rude. And it was especially rude for him to do it to JLo yesterday, because she was just trying to show off her new one-night-stand baby of Bon Jovi and Ally McBeal haircut. Double rude! So far there’s no word on whether or not JLo is going to press charges.

Besides the fact that it was beyond obnoxious, what’s throwing glitter on JLo even going to do? Her skin is 90% cosmetic-grade shimmer, so technically all he did was waste a bunch of glitter. Somewhere, the old Kesha is crying.

Pics: Splash/INF

Chelsea Handler Says Bill Cosby Tried To “Cosby” Her

You know, six months ago we’d all be like “Cosby her? What the hell does ‘Cosby her’ mean? Like, he tried to give her a JELL-O Pudding Pop?”

Professional drunk aunt Chelsea Handler and RSILF (Ron Swanson I’d like to, well – you know) Nick Offerman were double-interviewed for Esquire’s Women & Men issue this month about sex and stuff, and at some point the conversation turned to Bill Cosby. Nick had made a joking reference to being “Cosbyed”, which – thanks to Hannibal Buress – we now know has nothing to do with frozen pudding, and that’s when Chelsea decided to tell a story about the time Bill Cosby allegedly tried to “Cosby” her.

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Somewhere In New Jersey, A Boozy Mob Wife Is Missing Her Look

I’ve looked at close to 1,000 pictures from last night’s Met Gala and I’m still having trouble identifying what in he hell the theme was supposed to be (so far I’ve narrowed it down to either Cheap & Tacky or A Tribute to Basic Bitches), but I do know that the theme was definitely not A Salute to The Sopranos, so can someone explain why Lea Michele showed up looking like one of the strippers from the Bada Bing on her way to Pauly Walnuts’s nephew’s Christening? Lea, those nails though – STAHP. The acrylic is so thick, it looks like your hand should be wrapped around a dick in the Champagne Room, while the other hand checks to make sure your Ardell Fashion Lashes aren’t falling off.

Or maybe this is Lea’s way of telling the producers on Glee that they can go ahead and officially send a basket of pink slips to Naya Rivera’s trailer, because she can do sexy all by herself. Except that she can’t, because she looks about as sexy as a hammerhead shark trying to hold in a painful hot sauce fart at Studio 54. Why do I get the feeling that she spent most of the night slinking up behind people and whispering: “Lookin’ for a good time? Just kidding! It’s me, beautiful Broadway and television superstar Lea Michele, but I bet you thought it was someone very sexy, right? I’m an incredibly versatile, talented actress. Here, allow me to demonstrate through song…”

And of all the sexy faces she practiced in the mirror before she left for the Met Gala, why did she go with ‘pill-drowsy MILF eye-fucking her son’s friends at his college graduation party’?

Pic: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Mama Bieber’s Singing Debut

Yesterday, Justin Bieber reminded us all once again of the tired cliché that most stage moms push their kid into show business because they’ve always wanted to be A STAAAAH! when he uploaded this video of his mother (never has the use of a word felt so incorrect) Pattie Mallette in a recording studio to Instagram with the caption: “Got my moms courage enough to get in the booth for the first time she sounds so good.”

Courage? Ugh times twelve divided by all the eye rolls to the power of gagging. It takes so much courage and bravery to visualize a giant cheque being deposited into your already over-inflated bank account. Say what you will about White Oprah and Kris Jenner: they may be parasitic, delusional, enabling stage moms with a soulless desire to pimp out their own children, but at least they never tried to launch a singing career (oh wait…)

And Lo, I Felt No Fear; For I Have Seen The Faces Of Hell

I’m going to need an old priest, a young priest, a 2-gallon jug of holy water, your Aunt Maria’s cheeto that looks like Jesus, a tube of Tammy Faye Bakker’s old mascara that’s been blessed by a televangelist, prayers, and fire. So much fire. All the fire. Then if that doesn’t kill it, gouge out my eyes and pour Tapatío sauce in the holes, because I can’t look at it anymore.

Tonight is the night of Miley Cyrus’s Hillbilly Squirrel-Callin’ Spectacular (aka MTV Unplugged) and I guess Satan was named Executive Producer of this mess, because he just released this picture of Miley performing with Madonna. Although it could also be a still from the lost episode of The Beverly Hillbillies where Granny and Jethro start a band, but then quit out of fear after being threatened with broken moonshine bottles by an already successful hillbilly duo from the Deliverance area of Appalachia. Of course, in this scenario, Madge and Miley play the inbred groupies that the band deems ‘too gross’ and then passes on to the roadies.

I really had no clue what Memaw-donna was doing singing with Miley while dressed up like Twinkie the Kid (they’re both injected with filler), but thankfully Miley’s always at the ready to show off her 4th grade Kumon language comprehension skills, and gave us the low-down in a promo video:

“I grew up listening to Madonna and lot of what she represented for me is what I try to represent to girls now. Not being afraid of sexuality and really being who you want to be and doing what you want to do. And that’s what Don’t Tell Me is about. Don’t Tell Me is basically the same message of what I’m telling my fans in We Can’t Stop.”

For the readers at home, I just made the ‘sarcastic jerking off’ hand motion. But it didn’t end there; the dick sucking continued on Instagram when Madonna posted this picture of the two of them with the caption “M & M: Don’t ever Tell us We Can’t STOP #revolutionoflove”:

But she really should have tagged it #disbitchlooklikebatboy or #disismyrockbottom.

(Pics: MTV, Instagram)