It Is Way Too Early For This Foolery

No, this isn’t a still from Disney Junior’s upcoming adaptation of Boys Don’t Cry. This is a picture from Justin Bieber’s fan site (via ONTD) of him grabbing a Belieber boob at a meet-and-greet (more like a meet-and-grope) after his show in Miami. Too many questions! Not enough answers!

Did she ask him to hand hug her titty, because she thought that maybe his balls would finally drop if he went to second base? Is this a side hug gone terribly, terribly wrong? Why is she making a face like her soul is trying escape through her mouth and she won’t let it? Why didn’t anybody call 911? Why does this picture make Justin Beiber look like a child-touching child? When you go to a Canadian hospital and you ask for a mammogram, is this what happens? How does she make her bangs look like Marv Albert’s toupee? Is this her Selena Gomez cosplay look?

But the most important and relevant question of all is, why am I still typing words about this picture when I should be pouring boiling water from an electric tea kettle into my eyes instead?

And while I do that, here’s a topless Bieber in Miami yesterday. I’m not helping, I know.

Snooki Wants To Forcibly Smoosh Smoosh Lady CaCa

Lady CaCa is hiding out in a giant empty pickle jar full of Valtrex powder, OxyClean and Debby Downer this morning to keep the terrifying Chilean rape monster that is Snooki from forcibly smooshing pickle sludge into her. That South Park episode wasn’t just leaded fuel for your night terrors, it was a piece from the real-life future! The waxed Chilean wombat jumped on her Twatter yesterday and spit this fear-inducing nugget out:

The charred pieces of brain meat in Snooki’s head are powered by dirty jacuzzi water, rotten fake tan grease and boiled pickle juice, so of course she’s going to say shit like this, but that doesn’t mean it was necessary or right. The visuals alone! If the visuals in my head were scratch ‘n sniff, they would smell like a whole lot of NO (which strangely enough, smells like her own brand of skank water).

On a positive note, it still amazes me to see how far science has come. I mean, scientists actually taught a brain-deficient chimp to Tweet on its own. Don’t let anybody tell you that pickles don’t work as positive reinforcements.

And here’s one of Lady CaCa’s greatest fears getting The Big Doucher constellation tattooed on her shoulder in Hollywood the other night.

It’s A Very Courtney Stodden Christmas! And Yes, We’re All Going To Jail Now

Warning: You might feel the sudden urge to strangle your Christmas tree, shit in your fireplace stockings and cancel Christmas this year after getting into these highly illegal pictures at Egotastic of the underage lizard goddess Courtney Stodden slithering all over her 51-year-old nightmare of a husband who dressed up as Santa Claus. I know, that picture was supposed to be your Christmas card pose and this bitch stole it from you.

Nothing says “Tis the season!” like a gross Santa with cotton dick brows sniffing on the illegal down low goods of a 17-year-old who looks like an iguana in Alexis Arquette drag. This kind of good Christian girl holiday behavior from Courtney is seriously making Jesus consider converting to Buddhism. It’s okay, Jesus, just try to focus on the silver slivers of elegance on Courtney’s rear claws and everything will be okay (no, it won’t).

I swear, somebody really has to start a “Courtney & Doug staged photo shoot or porn stills?” Tumblr, because I can’t even tell the difference anymore. And if your skin hasn’t completely crawled off of your body to throw itself into the nearest fire, then strap it down, because it will after you click play on this video:

Why isn’t a SWAT Team and a group of priests with vats of holy water swarming all over them?! They are disgusting, ridiculous, fucked up, perverted, shameless, dark-sided…and I can’t get enough of them.

You Know The Recession Is A Real Thing When Even The Queen Gets A Pay Freeze

Prince Hot Ginge can no longer tiptoe into his grammy’s bed chambers in the middle of the night to sneak a few quid (I’m speakin’ British!) out of the pocketbook she clutches onto when she sleeps, because there’s not going to be anything in there anymore! The sport of extreme couponing is calling The Queen’s name, because her pay for being THE QUEEN!!! has been frozen until 2015 and she’ll only be given $50 million of taxpayers’ money to pay for travel expenses and palace upkeep. NPR says that Prince Charles will have to reach into his own pocket to pay for Princess (serious typo and it’s not moving) William and Duchess Catherine’s household staff. GOD (in the form of a sale at Tesco) SAVE THE QUEEN!

NPR reports that shit is getting so dire that the Queen is considering renting out rooms at St. James Palace during the Olympics next year. HA. St. James Palace is turning into a flophouse. Can’t you just imagine coming down the stairs late at night to drink tap water from the kitchen faucet and you see your landlady, Queen Elizabeth, sipping canned wine from Bargain Booze while knitting mittens out of her Corgis’ hair to sell on Etsy. Book me a room, now.

And before you go on and on about how Queen Elizabeth is nothing but a welfare leach, stop yourself. If England wants Queen Elizabeth to show up to stupid weddings and national events, they have to pay to play. Queen Elizabeth does not change out of her housecoat for her health. I mean, my abuelita refused to come out of her bedroom for my birthday party unless I promised her the corner piece of my sheet cake. #getmoneyqueen!

Or England can just fire Queen Elizabeth completely and replace her as the “Face of England” with Jodie Marsh, because that trick will work for bootleg HGH injections and a box of gently used condoms.

The Real World’s Tonya Cooley Sues MTV For Toothbrush Rape

Tonya Cooley of The Real World: Chicago and a thousand editions of that Real World/Road Rules Challenge mess has thrown a lawsuit at MTV, Bunim/Murray Productions and her co-stars Kenny Santucci (left) and Evan Starkman (right) for the alleged sexual abuse she suffered while shooting a challenge in Thailand. One of those acts of sexual abuse involved the thing you used to scrub the sleep jank off of your teeth this morning. Yes, this is what happens when people stop being polite. They rape you with a damn Oral-B.

TMZ says that Tonya’s lawsuit claims that while she was passed out, Kenny and Evan stole another dude’s toothbrush and used it to brush her labia lips and even put it in her vagina. Tonya says that the cameras caught every bit of her getting toothbrushed in the vagina and not one member of production tried to stop them. Instead, Tonya says producers got rid of some of the evidence by replacing the toothbrush and they never told her about it.

Tonya wasn’t the only girl who went through some not right shit. According to Tonya, several of the girls complained to producers about the dudes grabbing at their off-limit parts before, after and during challenges. The producers never did anything about it and even fueled the illegal fuckery by “stripping the female contestants of their bathing suits” and encouraging the dudes to “inappropriately touch female cast members’ bodies, including in intimate areas.”

Kenny and Evan never got into trouble for allegedly raping Tonya, but she was later kicked off for slapping the fake tan off of Veronica.

Tonya is suing for unspecified damages. Both MTV and Bunim/Murray kept their lips closed about this as of yesterday.

I have watched every Real World and every challenge and Tonya definitely comes off as a tiny hurricane of crazy who spits out lies. But Kenny and Evan are certified douche fucks of epic proportions. Kenny is a piece of smug shit whose brains are operated by AXE body spray and think he’s the greatest thing to happen to women folk in the history of ever. Evan is what would happen if Mr. Potato Head ate a gamma bomb before it detonated. Bitch not only looks like a block of white cheddar cheese, but he’s as smart as one to. That’s not fair to say. If we put a block of cheddar cheese next to Evan and asked them to spell out their name slowly, the block of cheddar cheese would answer correctly before Evan’s stupid ass did. So you don’t have to choke my nipple knobs with floss to get me to say that I 100% believe that these two assholes are capable of doing fucked up shit like this.

And where was Bethasaurus when we needed her most?!

It wasn’t not funny, indeed.

Meanwhile, Joe Francis just sent a basket to MTV thanking them for temporarily making him look less predator-ey. I mean, raped with a toothbrush? THE HELL? Please hold me, CT.

Ass Sex: You’re Doing It Wrong

Some things you just can’t find in a Lonely Planet travel guide. Here’s one of those things: In the Zimbabwe town of Zvishavane exists the wrong stuff that when snorted or smoked causes your brain to seep out the kind of fuckery-coated hallucinations that not even Alan Ball could dream up. That is one of my only explanations for why this happened.

The Sun (of course) reports that a 28-year-old nasty ass fucker named Sunday Moyo (quick side whisper: that’s a really good drag name) was arrested on Monday in Zvishavane after he was caught doing a donkey the way no bitch should do a donkey without getting permission from said donkey first. The police found Sunday performing a sex act on the donkey who was lying on the floor while tied to a tree. Earth to PETA, stop photographing F-list titties and get on this. Shit.

Sunday was charged with bestiality and the court ordered him to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Why must his head be analyzed by mental health professionals, you ask? Well, first of all, he raped a donkey. Second of all, the power of crazy was with him in full force when he told the court the reason for why he fucked a donkey:

“Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested.

I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town nightclub, and I don’t know how she then became a donkey. I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with the donkey.”

Why do I have a feeling that this same speech came out of Brenda Song’s mouth when her mother asked her why she was marrying Trace Cyrus?