Everybody Involved Should Go To Jail For This Gross Shit

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, 6-year-old-looking Justin Bieber gave his 19-year-old scissor sister Selena Gomez a titty check at a hockey game in Winnipeg over the weekend. Or maybe he’s grabbing at hers while wishfully dreaming about the day that his finally come in. Then The Lesbeaver and Selena put everybody in that VIP box on some kind of list when they kissed on each other while 69-ing through their jerseys.

Okay, I was 12 once a million years ago, so I understand that kids do this kind of shit when their hormones tell them they’re in love, but DAMN. Take this shit away from public eyes. This is why I told my mother never to throw away that empty refrigerator box in the garage. Not because I needed it for a science project, but because I needed it to make out in. Duh. Get an empty refrigerator box, Selena!

That titty grabbing picture is about as not right as not right can be. It’s like reverse Pedophilia. And you know how I feel about piercing a baby’s ears. Arrest them! Arrest their parents! Arrest us for looking at this! Arrest everybody!

You Jealous Women Just Won’t Let Courtney Stodden’s Facebook Page Be Great

FYI: By “great” I mean illegal, wrong and illegal. Courtney Stodden’s Facebook page should be thrown into a cell in the pedophile wing of Facebook prison. It’s that kind of wrong. And speaking of things that should be thrown into prison, Courtney Stodden’s pimp/mother Krista Keller is screaming at the all the injustices in the Facebook world after her 17-year-old daughter’s page was shut down 10 times for being inappropriate. Krista’s sense of logic is obviously as advanced as her sense of parenting, because she tells E! News that the delusion-maker in her head believes that jealous hating wives have formed an anti-sexyiguana league and are trying to stop her natural beauty of a goddess daughter from moisturizing the sexy with a whole lot of illegal wrongness.

“It’s the jealousy from the women towards her. The men love her, the women hate her. The women report the photo because it’s so easy to do. You just click a button. They think she’s too sexy, they all report her together, and it’s done.”

Nobody tell Krista that PedoBear is the one whose got his little paw finger on the REPORT button at all times since Courtney’s page is even too much for him. It’s funny watching Krista acting like she’s gotten to the bottom of EVERYTHING. Take the rest of the year off, Detective La Toya, because Krista’s got this.

“On any Facebook page, people can report it for inappropriate content. There is nothing on her page you wouldn’t find anywhere on Facebook! She has never done any nudity. Not a breast, not even a butt cheek. It’s just her in a bathing suit!

A lot of men and young girls love her page, but when the wives see their husbands on her page, they team up to get Courtney kicked off! When Facebook gets enough reports on one page, it locks her out.”

I’m sure all you mothers out there wish that one day you’ll be able to say: “A lot of grown married men LOVE my teenage daughter’s Facebook page.”

When is the Seal Team 6 going to take down the lab in North Korea where evil scientits (typo and it ain’t moving) created Courtney and her mother out of lizard tongues, ludes, the DNA White Oprah left on a rest stop toilet seat after she did a line off of it and whatever it is the Kardashians inject into their faces. They were obviously sent to us by our enemies to finally destroy whatever is left of American humanity. Don’t tell me that staring at that picture of the porn iguana sticking out her tits and sucking in so hard that she’s about to fart out an implant hasn’t caused you to laugh through the eyes and cry through the mouth. WHOEVER IS BEHIND THIS HAS WON!

Sashay. Away.

Let me start off by saying that for being exposed to the elements on planet earth for the past 50 years, Dennis Rodman is looking good. Now, we can wipe away that coat of sugar and get to the real shit. Whoever shook their head vertically when Dennis asked if he looked hot should be put on Rodman neck scrubbing duty for the next 10 weeks, because it’s wrong to lie to a bitch even on their birthday. A negligee from Joyce Leslie, workout pants and a rejected blouse from the Austin Powers costume closet cannot co-exist on the same body without the word “FUG” coming to mind at first sight. Dennis looks like he got dressed in the inside of a Salvation Army donation bin. How dreadful.

Dennis is trying to sell this look hard by posing with that cigar like he’s first runner-up in the Miss Clinton Intern 1996 pageant, but I cannot raise my pedal for this. Pink daisy pasties, pink plastic diaper panties and lucite mary janes paired with that negligee would’ve made him look like the ruff ‘n tumble queen he truly is.

An Open Letter To Selena Gomez

Dear Selena Gomez,

When Chris Hansen asked you to have a seat over there, he didn't mean on Justin Bieber's 17-year-old crotch.

Sincerely yours,
Michael

P.S. – Thanks to you, everybody who looks at these pictures is going to jail now. Thank you. You’re single-handedly responsible for overcrowded prisons. You, sucia pedo puta, you. Good going.

P.P.S. – When you’re singing Baby Bieber a goodnight lullaby in his bassinet tonight, please let him know through song that the organizers of the National Weight Lifting Competition are impressed that his parakeet arms were able to lift your NOT RIGHT ass in the water. They’d like him to compete in their toddler division this year.

P.P.P.S – A covered playpen: get one next time.