Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One: Dennis Rodman Checks In To Rehab

Has there ever been a tattoo that says: “I make awful, regretful decisions when I drink” more than a tribal sun ankh around a belly button? Well, maybe the belly button/cat butt tattoo.

Regardless of the terrible ink on Dennis Rodman (and there is a lot; so much we could write a book and get our PhD in Bummer-ology) it’s what’s inside that counts. And what’s inside Dennis Rodman is a never-ending stream of booze. Earlier this month, Dennis gave an interview to CNN from North Korea that was – in a word – insane. Shortly after, he admitted he was drunker than your drunkest uncle during the interview and apologized profusely. Now TMZ has confirmed that Dennis is “beyond exhausted and overwhelmed” and has checked in to treatment facility in New Jersey for 30 days. This makes the 3rd time Dennis has tried to get clean with professional help. Or is it the 4th? Does his time on Celebrity Rehab count? What about Sober House? You know it’s bad when Lindsay Lohan just side-eyed you from whatever pile of clothes she slept in last night and mumbled ‘Get it together, Rodman’.

It doesn’t say what or who made Dennis decide to check-in and get dry, but I’m going to guess it was his boo Kim Jong Un. After the drunk television interview, Dennis crossed his heart and pinky swore to Kim that he’d never drink again, but later that week Kim found dozens of empties stashed under their bed and confronted Dennis about the booze by screaming his favorite lines from The Room (he changed Lisa to Dennis). Kim Jong Un then threw all of Dennis’s clothes out the bedroom window onto the lawn while blasting Stronger at full-volume, lit a match, and realized what he’d done and called up his best girlfriends. “I know it’s not Mimosa Monday, but you guys need to come over. I kicked Dennis out; I’M SO STUPID!!! He was my soulmate!!”

(Pic via Splash)

A Large Shot Of DUH: Dennis Rodman Admits He Was Wasted Out Of His Mind During That CNN Interview

A flood of hot, wet, sticky DUHs hit my face today when I read the apology that Dennis Rodman shat out for freaking out on Chris Cuomo during an interview with CNN on Tuesday. The future Mrs. Kim Jong Un exploded into a tornado of douche water and incoherentness when Chris Cuomo asked him if he was going to bring up Kenneth Bae with his North Korean BFF. In a statement released through his publicist (who obviously wrote it for him), Dennis apologizes to Kenneth Bae’s family and says that he was drunk and dealing with a shit load of stress. Another proud graduate of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab….

“I want to first apologize to Kenneth Bae’s family. I want to apologize to my teammates and my management team. I also want to apologize to Chris Cuomo. I embarrassed a lot of people. I’m very sorry. At this point I should know better than to make political statements. I’m truly sorry. Some of my teammates were leaving because of pressure from their families and business associates. [My dream of] basketball diplomacy was quickly falling apart. I had been drinking. It’s not an excuse but by the time the interview happened I was upset. I was overwhelmed.”

Is Dennis Rodman still in North Korea? If he is, then things are going to be awkward between him and his best bitch Kim Jong Un during their final candlelit, champagne dinner together. Kim Jong Un isn’t going to be happy that his homegirl is apologizing to the family of one of his prisoners. It’ll be like that episode of The Bachelor when one of the Bachelor’s final hos nervously waits to see if he’s going to invite her to the Fantasy Suite or not. Except, Dennis is going to nervously sit there waiting to see if Kim Jong Un is going to send him to a prison camp or not. No. Never. They’re going to cuddle and watch Safe Haven instead.

(Pic via AP)

Dennis Rodman Sings Happy Birthday To His Favorite North Korean Homegirl Kim Jong Un

Mimi must’ve already been booked to sing at a memorial remembering Gaddafi, because Dennis Rodman was the one who sang Happy Birthday to Kim Jong Un at a basketball game between former NBA players and the North Korean team today. That tall drink of trash followed up his rambling disaster of an interview with CNN yesterday by singing out a crappy, busted version of Happy Birthday to his favorite, little murderous, psychopath homegirl. Dennis must really be tight with Kim Jong Un, because he didn’t even try to sing on key and he shrugged his way through that entire song. If I had to sing Happy Birthday to a maniacal, insane dictator of a country that is known for punishing people who don’t show over-exaggerated emotions, I’d sing that shit like I was in a booth with Ike Turner. I’d sing that shit like the spirit of Nippy took over my vocal cords. I’d sing that song as if I was naked and a pack of wild, hungry dogs were waiting to be let loose on me if I sang a wrong note.

And if you’re wondering who won, the North Korean team did. But really, in a game between North Korea and Dennis Rodman, there are no winners.

via CNN

North Korean Coke Must Be Some Potent Shit

Just when you thought that Evander Holyfield was a shoo-in to win the award for the Most Incoherent Ramblings from an American athlete, a new challenger arrives. And how!

Dennis Rodman and a bunch of former NBA players are in North Korea to play basketball for Kim Jong Un’s birthday, because they’re so desperate for a check that they don’t care if it’s signed by a maniac. Dennis Rodman took a little time out from spooning with his North Korean BFF on a bed made from the skin of Kim Jong Un’s dead rivals (including that crazy asshole’s uncle) to talk to CNN’s Chris Cuomo. When Chris Cuomo asked Dennis Rodman if he’s going to bring up Kenneth Bae, the American who’s sitting in a prison in North Korea right now, to his BFF, he rambled out a verbal vomit flood of nonsense.

As I mentioned the other day, my dog got attacked by some bitch ass motherfucking dog on the street, and his front leg (or “dog arm” as I call it when talking to the vet since I always like to use official medical phrases) got jacked up during the attack. It didn’t break or fracture, but it’s sore and he had trouble walking on it at first. The vet told me not to pick him up or handle him. If he wants to get up off the floor, I should let him do it by himself, because he knows his own body or some shit. Watching him try to get out of his dog bed is painful. It’s like watching an obese, elderly pregnant ho try to get herself out of a futon while holding a giant sack of flour. I cringe, I wince, I let a few “oh shits” and my hands get all shaky. I felt those same emotions while watching Dennis Rodman try to pull a coherent thought out of the coke and booze-soaked sponge in his head.

Dennis sounds like a half-sedated bulldog trying to do an impersonation of Hulk Hogan and failing at it, so it’s hard to figure out what he’s saying, exactly. Here’s what I was able to make out:

“Grrrr garrr wha wha grrr gaarrrr one thing about politics Kenneth Baby gotta gotta get it understand barrrr graadfadf nooo neerrr NO NO NO woah woah woah youcanthandlethetruth grrrr gaarrrr droool garrrr raarrrrrr LOVE ten guys grrrr gaarrrrr woah woah LOOK AT THEM woah woah rats ass grrrr GAARRRR”

When I put that in Google Translate and translate it from “White Oprah aka incoherent drunk crazy cokehead” to English, this comes out:

“The one thing about politics, Kenneth Bae did one thing. If you understand, if you understand what Kenneth Bae did. Do you understand what he did? In this country? You tell me. You tell me. Why is he held captive?”

Nope, I still don’t know. Dennis went on to go full throttle Kanye by screaming at Chris Cuomo for ignoring the sacrifices all the former NBA players have made to go to North Korea.

The only thing that got me through that head-pounding interview was watching the other players realize that they made a terrible, terrible mistake and is it too late to give back the money they got paid in exchange for the next plane, train, car, donkey, whatever ride out of that bitch?

Dennis Rodman Went Back To North Korea To See His Homegirl Kim Jong-un

And in the background of every picture of Kim Jong-un and Dennis Rodman is a North Korean giant who can’t stop himself from making a “the fuck is this?!” face.

The New York Times says that the corroded scab on America’s bottom ass lip, Dennis Rodman, is back in North Korea today to party with his main bitch Kim Jong-un. During a stopover in Beijing, Dennis told Reuters that he’s going to NK for a basketball diplomacy tour and he’s not going to talk to his BFF about releasing Korean-American Christian missionary Kenneth Bae. While North Koreans are tortured and starved to death, Dennis is gonna have a good time and party down with Kim Jong-un.

“I’m not going to North Korea to discuss freeing Kenneth Bae. I’m just going there on another basketball diplomacy tour. I’ve come out here to see my friend. I want to talk about basketball.

I just want to meet my friend Kim, the marshal, and start a basketball league over there or something like that. I have not been promised anything. I am just going there as a friendly gesture. I’m not there to be a diplomat. I’m there to go there and just have a good time, sit with (Kim) and his family, and that’s pretty much it.”

VICE Magazine paid for Dennis’ first trip to North Korea, but this time his trip is sponsored by an Irish gambling operation called Paddy Power.

I’d like to think that Dennis Rodman is some kind of super spy and during one of his visits he’s going to hug Kim Jong-un until that bitch deflates or explodes, but we all know he’s not a spy. Dennis goes to North Korea, because it’s the only place on Earth where people act like they’re excited to see him. Yes, Kim Jong-un forces his people to look excited whenever Dennis is around, but his stupid ass doesn’t know that.

Dina Lohan Scares Children, Calls Herself “The Most Misunderstood Mother In America”

That’s a look that says, “Read the F U on my shirt.“

After paying for lunch with photocopied money she made at FedEx Office (Side note: I miss Kinko’s), a drunken White Oprah did the fame whore strut down the ho stroll at The Grove and told the paps that she and Lindsay Lohan are staying at The Beverly Hills Hotel (more like The Beverly Hills Adjacent Hotel aka The Best Western in West Hollywood) and she’s been so busy with “work.” (I like how she says “work” like she knows what that words means!) White Oprah kept blabbing about whatever until she ran into an adorable, innocent child and you know White Oprah. She hasn’t met an adorable child she doesn’t want to taint and ruin. Only in L.A. will a mother (with gorgeous eyebrows, by the way) ask her little girl if she wants to take a picture with Lindsay Lohan’s mother. The smart little girl wasn’t having it. She knows that you don’t take candy from strangers and you don’t hug a Dina Lohan, because if you do the next thing you know it’s 18 years later and you’re hungover in a court room while answering to your 15th felony charge of the year.

Here’s the awkwardness in all its awkward glory:

White Oprah wasn’t only in L.A. to terrorize innocent children with her vodka breath, she was also there to represent the definition of delusion once again. White Oprah talked to Extra’s AC Slater and said that she’s writing a tell-all book called A Parent Trapped, because she wants America to know the real her and thinks she can save lives.

On how Lindsay Lohan’s a target by the media, because she was raised by a single parent (???): “I really think she’s a target and since I am a single parent, I think they think there’s a weaker link that she doesn’t have as much protection around her.”

On how she’s so happy that LiLo lives at home with her now, because it’s so much easier just stealing money from LiLo’s purse than trying to figure out the login information for LiLo’s bank account online: “I have been trying to get her out of [L.A.] for five years… she’s safer at home.”

On the rumor that Lindsay Lohan was blacklisted from Shutters in Santa Monica for trashing one of their rooms in 2007: “That was so silly. We got to the hotel, and there were so many paparazzi, so we opted out. We went to another hotel, the suites were full and then we ended up at the Beverly Hills Hotel.”

On how much hate is thrown at her: “I’m probably the most misunderstood mother in America.”

On why she’s writing a tell-all: “I feel I’m a victim of domestic violence for years and if I can save a life or change a life… I want it to be a helpful book.”

On if Michael Lohan is helping her raise their kids and how she was a single mother straight out of the womb: “I don’t really want to speak about that on camera, but I’ve been a single mom my whole life. I’ve had sole custody and my other three have had no relationship with him. I’m always hopeful things will get better and slowly, but surely hopefully they are.”

On if she wants LiLo to have kids one day: “Yes, I just want to babysit.”

That last line sent a chill through every CPS officer. And White Oprah went on to say, “Because newborn babies are worth so much more on the black market than 16-year-old boys. You hear that, Cody? Why couldn’t you just sit still in that stroller and pretend to be a newborn baby like a good boy?“