Higella Lawson Banned From Coming To The US For Admitting She Snorted Coke

America is finally, finally tackling the real problem that effects this nation of upstanding morals! We must do whatever we can to keep out the rich British women who have admitted to snorting that Lohan powder. They are a threat and if we let them in, they’ll do of all of our coke and then what will our politicians snort to get them through all those meetings?

The Daily Mail says that on Sunday morning, Nigella Lawson tried to get onto a British Airways flight from Heathrow in London to LAX in Los Angeles. Nigella was supposedly coming to L.A. for vacation. Nigella checked in and went through security, but when she got to the gate, she was told to turn her ass around and go home. I’m sure her shit bag of an ex-husband Charles Saatchi (who probably had something to do with this mess) cackled into the sky when that happened. The Daily Mail says that they don’t know the exact reason for why Nigella was blocked from coming to the US, but they think it has everything to do with her admitting in court that she did the bad shit a few times and smoked weed. Amy Winehouse was blocked from entering the US for getting arrested for drugs.

Nigella registered online to get into the US and she answered NO to the questions, “Have you ever been convicted of offenses including taking illegal drugs.” Nigella was never charged by Scotland yard for admitting she did coke. But the US can still ban a bitch for admitting to doing drugs. Nigella is going to fight the ban, because if she can’t come to the US, she’ll lose her job on The Taste which shoots in L.A. Nigella’s spokeswhore refused to say anything about this and a rep for Homeland Security wouldn’t confirm that she’s banned, but the rep did say that foreigners that are labeled as “inadmissible” can apply for a waiver:

In general, an alien found inadmissible will need a waiver of inadmissibility. Depending on the basis of their refusal they may be eligible to apply in advance of travel for a temporary waiver of inadmissibility. The waiver application process can be lengthy.

While Nigella was told she couldn’t come to the US, because she’s a coke-snorting terrorist threat, the Canadian Crisco ball of crack that is Rob Ford twirled onto a flight to the US on a cloud of crack smoke and pussy fumes. I mean, I get that we as a country need to protect our drugs, because we only have so many of them and we need them to get through life, but banning Nigella Lawson after we let Rob Ford in? The official who came up with those priorities was smoking the wrong shit, which was probably provided by Rob Ford. Homeland Security needs to stop wasting their time keeping non-threats like Nigella Lawson out of the US and start using their time wisely by keeping out the real threat to the US: The Lesbeaver. Fight the real enemy!

North Korean Coke Must Be Some Potent Shit

Just when you thought that Evander Holyfield was a shoo-in to win the award for the Most Incoherent Ramblings from an American athlete, a new challenger arrives. And how!

Dennis Rodman and a bunch of former NBA players are in North Korea to play basketball for Kim Jong Un’s birthday, because they’re so desperate for a check that they don’t care if it’s signed by a maniac. Dennis Rodman took a little time out from spooning with his North Korean BFF on a bed made from the skin of Kim Jong Un’s dead rivals (including that crazy asshole’s uncle) to talk to CNN’s Chris Cuomo. When Chris Cuomo asked Dennis Rodman if he’s going to bring up Kenneth Bae, the American who’s sitting in a prison in North Korea right now, to his BFF, he rambled out a verbal vomit flood of nonsense.

As I mentioned the other day, my dog got attacked by some bitch ass motherfucking dog on the street, and his front leg (or “dog arm” as I call it when talking to the vet since I always like to use official medical phrases) got jacked up during the attack. It didn’t break or fracture, but it’s sore and he had trouble walking on it at first. The vet told me not to pick him up or handle him. If he wants to get up off the floor, I should let him do it by himself, because he knows his own body or some shit. Watching him try to get out of his dog bed is painful. It’s like watching an obese, elderly pregnant ho try to get herself out of a futon while holding a giant sack of flour. I cringe, I wince, I let a few “oh shits” and my hands get all shaky. I felt those same emotions while watching Dennis Rodman try to pull a coherent thought out of the coke and booze-soaked sponge in his head.

Dennis sounds like a half-sedated bulldog trying to do an impersonation of Hulk Hogan and failing at it, so it’s hard to figure out what he’s saying, exactly. Here’s what I was able to make out:

“Grrrr garrr wha wha grrr gaarrrr one thing about politics Kenneth Baby gotta gotta get it understand barrrr graadfadf nooo neerrr NO NO NO woah woah woah youcanthandlethetruth grrrr gaarrrr droool garrrr raarrrrrr LOVE ten guys grrrr gaarrrrr woah woah LOOK AT THEM woah woah rats ass grrrr GAARRRR”

When I put that in Google Translate and translate it from “White Oprah aka incoherent drunk crazy cokehead” to English, this comes out:

“The one thing about politics, Kenneth Bae did one thing. If you understand, if you understand what Kenneth Bae did. Do you understand what he did? In this country? You tell me. You tell me. Why is he held captive?”

Nope, I still don’t know. Dennis went on to go full throttle Kanye by screaming at Chris Cuomo for ignoring the sacrifices all the former NBA players have made to go to North Korea.

The only thing that got me through that head-pounding interview was watching the other players realize that they made a terrible, terrible mistake and is it too late to give back the money they got paid in exchange for the next plane, train, car, donkey, whatever ride out of that bitch?

Breathing In Weed Smoke And Playing With Drugs: The Life Of Diddy’s Twins

Kim Porter, the mother of Diddy’s twin daughters, has been sued by a former nanny who claims that the 6-year-old girls were always breathing in weed smoke and got into their mommy’s stash of white powder more than once. That’s like something straight of White Oprah’s book on parenting.

TMZ says that in the lawsuit, the former nanny Dawn Drago claims that Kim Porter toked up day and night and when she complained about how the smoke kept making her choke, she was fired and shown the door. Dawn Drago also claims in her lawsuit that Kim not only smoked the good shit while the twins were at home, but there were baggies of coke in the house and in the car. Dawn says that one time she was driving the girls to school and noticed that they were covered in some kind of white powdery substance. There was a bag of white powder and pills in the backseat and the girls got into it. Kim Porter said it was her “medicine” when Dawn asked her about it.

Dawn also says that Kim attacked and yelled at her several times. Dawn is suing for an unspecified amount of cash.

If this is true, then why didn’t Dawn Drago pick up the phone, dial the number to CPS and give them an anonymous tip? Also, if it is true, then somebody needs to slap Kim Porter’s velociraptor face. What kind of self-respecting cokehead leaves their stash around children? Everybody knows that children are nosy, will get into your stash and throw that white powder around everywhere. Kids are wasteful and they don’t respect the coke!

And that knock on Kim Porter’s front door is just from Lindsay Lohan coming to inquire about the nanny position.