Maybe He’s Born With It

And here we have Lance Bass showing us what one looks like after getting a facial from Glamberace. Yes, we’ve always known Glamberace ejaculates rouge and liquid eyeliner. That’s why you better bring make-up remover to gargle with if you ever plan on going down on Glamberace.

Lance gently got face fucked with every brush in Xtina’s make-up box for photographer Mike Ruiz who said he was going for a Spandau Ballet and Gary Numan look. Mike might say this Gary Numan-ish, and others might say Lance is wig snatching Glamberace. I say this reminds me of the time my Puerto Rican friend tried to dress up as Freddie Mercury for Halloween but ended up looking like a Robert Palmer girl as seen through the eyes of a 12-year-old goth.

And Lance’s eyebrows look like two amputee weasels trying to kiss each other, so I approve of this look. Yes, I failed the inkblot test.

The Belle Of The Glitter Ball

If Audrey II chewed up both Hottie from Flavor of Love and Ursula the Sea Witch at the same time and then spat out a giant loogie, it would look like this glorious goddess you see before you.

It’s Jaila Simms from Making the Band killing hos with her beauty at Saturday night’s GLAAD Awards in Los Angeles. And I’m not just saying that. I think several hos actually died from choking on the wig glue fumes wafting off of Jaila’s head. Not only did Jaila’s wig put another crack in the ozone layer, but it looks like it’s biting into her scalp and refusing to let go! But I guess you haven’t really fought for glamour until your wig has eaten your forehead off. Bleeding for glamour: Jaila is doing it right!

In addition to Jaila, the GLAAD Awards also brought out other fanciful glittermeisters including: Chaz Bono (who is seriously turning into a giant penis head) with his girlfriend, The Discountess, McSteamy with Noxzema Girl, Glamberace, Johnny Weir, RuPaul, Bryan Batt, Chupacabra Zoe’s assistant Brad, Apollonia and Candis Cayne.

When Glamberace Kissed Ke¢ha

Glamberace admitted to Long Island’s BLI In the Morning that he’s been known to stick his tongue into the sewer pipe belonging to that Ke¢ha creature. I guess because it beats trying to have a conversation with her, right?

Frankenliza gave the gritty details about brushing Ke¢ha’s teefs with his tongue, “She’s really pretty and we were laughing and we just started kissing. It was pretty innocent to be honest with you. I mean, it wasn’t too dirty.”

At first I started to think that if you’re going to knowingly catch mouth leprosy from kissing a dirt face, why would you choose Ke¢ha when you could go with someone sessier like Pete Doherty for example. But then I realized that Glamberace didn’t catch anything from kissing that trick, because she probably doesn’t have anything to catch.

Ke¢ha looks like one of those faux dirties. You know, the kind who looks like a filthy whore on the outside, but hasn’t done any of the work (i.e. vomit on a stranger’s bare peen in the back alley of a Bob’s Big Boy) to earn the title.

I bet Ke¢ha washes her hair with Strawberry Suave every night, brushes it 100 times before bed and sleeps on a silk pillow while wearing organic cotton pajamas. And then when she gets ready to go out as that Ke¢ha fool, she sticks her head in a bag with two rabid squirrels. That way she gets that fresh “just got a train ran on me” look. Then she spritzes herself down with one of Paris Hilton’s signature fragrances (smells like open sores, urethral discharge and Andre-laced barf). So Glamberace is safe and doesn’t need to make an appointment to see a nurse practitioner at the free clinic.

Wait, what the fuck am I going on about? Both of those bitches got dirty mouths. Cootie queens! Lint lickers!

via Gatecrasher

Kat Von D’s Face Is Different

At last night’s Art of Elyslum’s charity gala in Los Angeles, Kat Von D crawled onto the red carpet looking like a mini-mall plastic surgeon gave her the “Prostitution Whore Special” in the face. Seriously, if you put a merkin over forehead, squint eyes and then flip your table, your computer will end up on the floor. But before it does, you’ll briefly see Danielle from the Real Housewives of New Jersey staring back at you instead of Kat Von D.

Kat’s eyebrows look like they fell in love with her hairline at first sight and are heading north to be with it. Bitch has “I Can Haz” face.

Here’s more hos who put on their artfag face last night including: MiserAlba, Rachel Bilson, Kate Bosworth, Brenda Walsh, FrankenLiza, one of those Olsen trolls, Sookeh with Beeehl, Katy Perry with Russell Brand, Dita Von Teese and Tater Head.

Mery Streep & Sandy Bullock: Leeeeeez Be Friends Forever!

Leading up to the Oscars, there’s ten million award shows where hos slip into something sparkly, spray their wet parts with perfume and make sure their titties sit up real nice. And I’m just talking about the dudes. Anyway, last night the hos of Hollywood wore their prom best for the Critics Choice Awards, which honors blah blah in blah blah for blah blah.

When Bradley Cooper opened the envelope to announce the winner of Best Actress in a Film, he declared that it was a TIE! Sandy Bullock (for The Blind Side) and Meryl Streep (for Julie & Julia) both won. Sandy must have left her chola attitude in George Lopez’s green room, because if she still had it with her, she would’ve taken a razor out of her hair and cut Meryl.

Instead, Sandy and Meryl kissed like the Simpson family on Christmas morning. Well, almost like the Simpson family. Sandy didn’t use tongue. Sandy doesn’t even kiss her husband with tongue before the sun sets, so it’s not surprising that she didn’t French on Meryl.

Here’s hoping that Sandy and Meryl have started a trend. At this Sunday’s Golden Globes, I’m crossing my ass lips that George Clooney and Colin Firth tie for Best Actor. And if they do, they better take those panties off and touch tongues! It’s the new way. Hell, I’d even settle for Morgan Freeman and Jeff Bridges.

Below is the clip of Meryl and Sandy’s G-rated lezzie lip-lock.

And here’s some pictures of hos from last night’s show including: Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, John Cho, Zachary Quinto, an escaped grizzly bear from the zoo, Emily Blunt, Sandy B, Kristin Chenoweth, Marion Cotillard, Purdy Zac Efron, Morgan Freeman with his ladyfreeend, Heather Graham, some virgin, Edward Gayhands, Heather Mills’ voodoo doll, Mo’Nique with her piece, Carey Mulligan, Zoe Saldana and Gabourey Sidibe.

Glamberace and ABC Have Made Up

After Glamberace’s AMAs performance, ABC closed their legs to him by canceling his appearances on Good Morning America, Jimmy Kimmel Live and Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve. Well, ABC has finally pushed their panties to the side and is going to let Glamberace stick the tip in a little. Frankenliza will perform on The View this Thursday.

Glamberace’s performance will be pre-taped to make sure he doesn’t do anything kinky like force Hasselcrack to motorboat his ass or fuck himself with one of Whoopi’s dreadlocks.

The night before his appearance on The View, Glamberace will be interviewed by Barbara Walters for her Most Fascinating People special. Yes, Glamberace is fascinating to Barbara. Clearly, Barbara was just coming out of an Ambien sex haze when she made that decision.

via Popeater