Today’s Look Of Understated Elegance Brought To You By Heidi Klum

This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the “house girl” of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn’t tie up like a pair of sneakers, you’re doing elegance wrong.

Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you’d get if one of Elvis’ jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn’t happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:

Best Song – Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe
Best New Act – One Direction
Best Female Act – Taylor Swift
Best Male Act – Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act – Justin Bieber
Best Live Act – Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop – Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act – Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act – David Guetta
Best Alternative Act – Lana Del Rey
Best Video – Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look – Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans – One Direction
Best Worldwide Act – Han Geng
Best World Stage – Justin Bieber
Best Push – Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon – Whitney Houston

I’m sure that’s exactly what the Grammys’ winners list will look like next year.

And here’s some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.

Don’t Hate The Brazilian Phoebe Price Because She’s More Beautiful Than Your Ugly Ass

Just a day after Hurricane Sandy took lives, drowned the subway and ate almost all of the electricity in Manhattan, Brazilian actress-model-reality-star-fame-whore-thing Nana Gouvêa took to the streets with her husband to document all of the devastation the only way she knew how: by posing on top of it. The pictures were spread everywhere, Nana became a meme and Phoebe Price’s successor was found!

But in an interview with Vice, Nana says it wasn’t a photo shoot, she’s not a model and she wasn’t posing. All of this started when the Brazilian magazine Ego (that’s too perfect) called her in NYC and interviewed her about Super Storm Sandy. The interviewer from Ego then asked Nana if she could go out and take a few pictures for the story. So Nana and her husband went out to take some super serious National Geographic-like pictures for Ego. Nana says she was not posing, that’s just how she naturally moves. We shouldn’t blame her for the fact that her gorgeous looks are more devastating than the devastation that was around her. We shouldn’t blame her for the fact that her beauty and grace upstaged the chaos.

Vice’s interview with Nana is more ridiculously hilarious than her not-at-all posed pictures and I didn’t think that was possible. Nana makes everything seem possible now. Here’s a big piece of the interview and click over to Vice to get it all:

VICE: Hi Nana. I just wanted to talk to you a bit about the modeling shoot you did after Hurricane Sandy. Nana Gouvêa: No, it’s not a modeling shoot. It was never a modelling shoot—I just took some snapshots with my husband because I was interviewed by someone in Brazil and they wanted photos. It was not a modeling shoot.

Oh, OK. What was the interview about?
The hurricane, of course. The Brazilian magazine Ego called me to interview me about the hurricane and, at the end, they asked me if I could take some pictures to send to them as imagery for the article. I’m not a model, though. I want to make that clear.

What do you do?
I’m an actress. That’s my one profession. Period. I’m not a model. I was in Playboy once, but all the most beautiful and famous actresses do Playboy—that doesn’t mean we’re models.

Surely that means you’ve been a paid model, though? Even if it was only for a couple of hours, or whatever.
No, I don’t agree with you.

Fair enough. Your poses are quite model-y. They look good.
That’s just how I am. There’s no posing. I’m like that every single day of my life. I was being the most natural, yet serious, as I possibly could be. You don’t see me smiling or making jokes, do you? I was serious.

So the photos were intended to reflect how serious the disaster was?
Yes. I wasn’t showing my legs, I wasn’t showing my arms or my breasts. Was I wearing a sexy outfit? No. I didn’t have make-up on and my hair wasn’t done up, or anything. It was just normal, not a photo-shoot. What a ridiculous idea.

In one photo, have you actually climbed into the tree?
Yes, I was trying to show the devastation.

Right. Have you had any bad reactions over the photos since they came out?
Yeah, because you guys in the media are saying it was a photo-shoot. This simply isn’t true and I’m very, very offended. So many people were taking pictures of the devastation, so why do people say that I was trying to get some kind of advantage out of this?

No idea.
It’s because you put the sex appeal on me. That’s down to you. It’s the media who think I’m sexy, so they’re putting that on me.

Do you think the main problem is just that you’re sexier than all the ugly people who’ve been in other photos?
Unfortunately, yes. People look at me and they see a beautiful woman. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, either. It’s very bad and so unfair. I really hope that people stop having these preconceptions of me. Just because I’m beautiful and have loads of sex appeal, it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person. It’s not my fault that you see the pictures and you think I’m beautiful or sexy.

See! It’s not Nana’s fault that when she stands on a fallen tree she looks like something out of the pages of Vogue. When Nana leans up against a destroyed car, it’s not her fault that she looks like the star of Barbizon’s picture of the year. You have blood running through your veins, but Nana has potent sexiness running through hers. She didn’t ask to be born beautiful, extremely photogenic and naturally alluring. How dare all of you! You can make this better by texting FUNANA to the Red Cross and your donation will go toward helping the plight of the sexy people.

I swear, Nana is delusional, self-absorbed and shameless. She’s already one of us. Welcome to America, Nana! The Kardashians should adopt her.

BONUS: Here’s Nana talking about this serious situation while looking devastatingly gorgeous and sexy.

Donald Trump Is Mad

I know I was supposed throw a picture of Donald Trump up there, but would you rather look at a picture of a charred dingle stuck on a dog’s hairy asshole or would you rather look at a picture of a gold digging Slovenian flower? No, Melania Trump isn’t trying to seduce you. Melania is pulled so tight that she can’t open her eye holes all the way and she’s always hazy in the brain from constantly inhaling the toxic hot air that Trump farts from his pie hole. Anyway…

After RuPaul told Mitt Romney to sashay away, Victoria Jackson (the crazy one, not the make-up mogul one) pulled some “SHE IS NOT A CHRIS-CHEN-UH!” shit and then melted into a puddle of sad tears on the floor of her mental hospital cell. Victoria dug a grave for America next to where her career and sanity is buried. Meanwhile, Donald Trump shat out a whine-filled rant on Twitter (and deleted most of it later). Trump described the election the same way most of us describe his existence: disgusting, a travesty and a sham.

Donald Trump is like a flea bite on your taint and just like a flea bite on your taint, your mother tells you not to scratch it or give it any attention, but you do anyway. Brian Williams scratched at that flea bite on his taint last night when he read a bitch during his election night coverage on NBC. Brian said this about Trump:

“Donald Trump, who has driven well past the last exit to relevance and peered into something closer to irresponsible here, is tweeting tonight.”

And of course, Brian’s slap down made the mutated hacked up hairball go after him:

@bwilliams knows that I think his newscast has become totally boring so he took a shot at me last night.

The only thing more boring than @bwilliams newscast is his show Rock Center which is totally dying in the ratings—a disaster!

@bwilliams–wouldn’t you love to have my ratings?

Donald Trump is only mad, because you know that all night he was sitting at his computer waiting to type “OBAMA, YOU’RE FIRED” and he got shut down. I bet the gorgeous flower Melania Trump is secretly happy that Obama won, because Trump was too busy nailing his haters to nail her. It’s always a good day in America for Melania Trump when her husband isn’t asking her to slurp on his soggy mini dumpling dick.

Cee Lo Green Might’ve Drugged And Raped A Woman

A few months ago, a woman filed a police report against Cee Lo Green claiming that he spiked her drink with MDMA and then did sex with her while she was passed out. The woman told police that she went out on a date with Cee Lo last July and he took her to a restaurant in Downtown L.A. where he bought he a drink. The woman drank the cocktail, blacked out and then woke up the next day in a strange room with no clothes on her body and Cee Lo looking at her.

TMZ says that the victim doesn’t live in California, so as soon as she got home, she filed a sexual battery report with her local police department and they passed it off to the LAPD. The LAPD got the woman to “bait call” Cee Lo’s ass. They hit the recording button and had her call Cee Lo. During the call, Cee Lo never said that he snuck the MDMA into the lady’s drink, but he did admit giving it to her so it would make their sex times together more exciting (cut to me dry heaving on the carpet like a cat yacking up a hair ball of grossness). The LAPD didn’t arrest Cee Lo right away, because he didn’t say anything about having sex with her while she was passed out. The LAPD will pass the case off to the District Attorney’s office as soon as they finish investigating.

Cee Lo’s team is trying to spin this and make the woman look like a money-hungry liar. A source close to Cee Lo tells TMZ that before the woman went to police, she hired a civil lawyer and tried to get him to give her a little hush money from the thick roll of bills he keeps between his greasy sourdough tits. The woman went to the cops after Cee Lo refused to give her some cash.

I’ve never heard of people blacking out from taking MDMA and I’ve known some junkie ass ravers, but that shit could’ve been something else or he could’ve laced it. I mean, Cee Lo always looks like he’s up to no good and you should never trust the hate child of a penguin and an Oompa Loompa who ate all of Willy Wonka’s full meal chewing gum.

“I Am Scatwoman, Hear Me Fart!”

On the West Coast, Pimp Mama Kris handed out chocolate-covered GPS tracking chips covered to unsuspecting children who have no idea that once they eat it, she’ll be able to find them at all times so she can slither into their bedrooms at night and power the dark orb in her chest by siphoning the innocence out of them. And on the East Coast, several of Pimp Mama Kris’ hardest working whores whored it up at a Whoreoween party in Miami.

Kim went as Katwoman, Kanye Kardashian went as a gay fish dressed as a bat, the slow one went as Batgirl, the hanger-on one went as The Riddler, someone went as Bruce Jenner and Scott Isadick went as Robin. I like how Scott stuffed his costume pants with a silicone nutsack since PMK confiscated his real ones a long time ago.

In other news, a smog alert was issued for the Miami area and I’m sure it had nothing to do with the musty toxic stench that wafted out of Kim’s ass after she was cut out of that rubber katsuit last night.

Chris Brown Is Really Trying Hard To Be The Worst

They’re really slow clapping in Hell for Chris Brown tonight. Just when you think that Chris Brown is as worthless as a piece of dried dog shit stuck in the crevices on the bottom of your sneaker and can’t get any shittier, he finds a way to get even shittier! Fist Brown and his pack of dick bags thought it would be really hilarious to dress up as stereotypical Arab terrorists for Halloween. Don’t even bother asking WHY? Only tampon-brained toilet turds who are only capable of making crap decisions would pull some shit like this and that’s exactly what Chris Brown is.

Since Chris Brown is trying to be some hard terrorist, I just have to ask: Where are SEAL Team Six when we really, really need them?

Source: Instagram via ONTD