RiRi Spent Thanksgiving Getting On This

Right after RiRi finished the last show on her Skanks On A Plane Tour 2012, she jumped back on a jet to see her “lover” in Berlin and yes, that lover’s name starts with a Fist and ends with a Brown. In one tweet, RiRi let all of her millions of followers know that she was flying across a damn ocean to jump on a pool noodle dick belonging to a corroded asshole who almost killed her:

All alone in my big ole jet!!! See u soon lover http://instagr.am/p/SSSLqshM4a/

 During Thanksgiving dinner last night, I almost heaved chunks of corn pudding up when my little cousin just had to say that the fatty turkey skin looked like the scabs on his legs. That heave has come back to me thanks to RiRi’s tweet. The Difficult Brown’s dick must have cast a serious black magic spell on DiaRiRi’s poon, because she’s suffering from stage 4 dickmatization. Chris Brown is looking like a Sméagol crackhead and RiRi still wants to jump on that. And I’m so glad I got through this post without making a joke about how Fist Brown stuffed RiRi’s turkey hole on Thanksgiving. That would’ve ruined my leftove… Oh, wait. Dammit!

Olivier Martinez Beat Gabriel Aubry’s Ass On Thanksgiving Morning

Halle Berry, Olivier Martinez and Gabriel Aubry gave little Nahla Aubry a touching and special Thanksgiving memory this morning when all three of those crazy bitches got into a fight of words and a fight of fists. Now you won’t feel so alone tonight when you’re sitting in a jail cell after throwing a can of cranberries at one of your family members. Celebrities: They’re just as trashy as us!

TMZ says that shit between Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry have been extra tense ever since a judge shut down her plans to move to France, and shit got extra EXTRA messy this morning. While dropping Nahla off at Halle’s house this morning, something set Gabriel off and he brought the crazy upon Olivier Martinez. Olivier Martinez returned the crazy by issuing a serious beat down on Gabriel. TMZ puts it like this:

Gabriel showed up at Halle’s doorstep with Nahla for a custodial hand-off. We’re told Gabriel was inside the house when Olivier walked up to him and said, “We have to move on.”

According to witnesses, Gabriel then pushed Olivier and threw a punch at his face, but Olivier blocked it and the punch struck him in the shoulder instead. We’re told Gabriel then pushed Olivier to the ground, and Olivier cold-cocked him in the face, and a struggle ensued, ending with Olivier pinning Gabriel to the ground.

In the struggle, Gabriel suffered a broken rib, contusions on his face, and possibly a more serious head injury. Olivier may have broken his hand and suffered neck injuries as well.

The cops showed up and Olivier made a CITIZEN’S ARREST!! on Gabriel. Gabriel is currently in the hospital where he’s being treated for bruises to his face and ego. Olivier also spent time in the same emergency room as Gabriel and he will press charges. A judge issued an emergency protective order, which means that Gabriel has to stay away from Halle, Olivier and his own daughter.

Halle can skip the turkey tonight, because she’s already full on smugness and happiness. Halle is loving this. But Gabriel did this to himself. You don’t mess with a French dude who squints his eyes so hard that you can’t tell if he’s ready to beat your ass or if he’s trying to squeeze out an extremely stubborn fart bubble. Not only that, but Gabriel Aubry is a model! Why would he risk his beauty by getting into a fist fight he can’t win? If Olivier challenged him to a pose off, Gabriel would’ve won, but not a fist fight. Dumb bitch, think of your pretty pretty face!

Here’s Olivier and Halle going to a party in Beverly Hills yesterday. You can tell Olivier’s in the mood to beat some ass.

A Hefty Cinch Sack Full Of No

RiRi’s Skanks On A Plane tour has finally stopped terrorizing the skies and Hazmat and Delta’s clean-up crew joined forces to scrape every layer of Barbarian flu loogies from off the floor, but as thorough as they were they forgot to dump one big bag of trash. And here’s that one big Hefty bag of trash promoting her new album at Best Buy in NYC last night.

I know RiRi’s style is so ahead of everything and is way too forward for any of us non-fashionable peons to understand, but this is a new level of fucking ugly. This baggy disaster of an outfit looks like Justin Bieber’s pajamas. (They’re extra easy to clean just in case Bieber has a middle-of-the-night accident.) If RiRi’s leather shirt was white cotton and her baggy shorts were denim, that shit would look exactly like KFed’s favorite eatin’ outfit. Actually, if KFed knocked up a Hefty trash bag (which you know he can), this is what their trash bag love child would look like. A mess.

Dim Kartrashian Is Going To Bahrain….. To Learn About The Middle East Crisis

Hillary Clinton can cancel her trip to the Middle East, because future Secretary of State Kim Kartrashian is on her way there (sort of, not really) and will make everything better.

A few days ago, Pimp Mama Kris’ prized pig got a bunch of death threats after she tweeted her support for Israel, and later Palestine, while not knowing what in the hell she was talking about. Kim is going to Kuwait and Bahrain to show her plastic face at the openings of several Millions of Milkshakes and while she’s there she plans to get educumacateded on the conflict in the Middle East.

A source tells TMZ that Kim has already set up meetings with local leaders, because “she wants to be as informed as possible … so she can use her celebrity to help those in need and raise awareness about important issues in the area.”

Oh, to be a fly on Kim’s ass when the local leaders try to keep her attention by acting out the history of the Israeli–Palestinian conflict using dick puppets. I mean, Kim Kuntrashian is not one to look away from dick puppets. You know, I’ll give Kim a break this time. Bitch is so dumb that I’m surprised she didn’t go to the Morocco Pavilion at Epcot Center to try to learn about the conflict between Israel and Palestine. (“She already did.” – a cast member at the Morocco Pavilion)

Here’s Kim and the slower one getting the Key to Miami at some ceremony the other day. When Kim’s off trying to bring peace to the Middle East, Miami should change the locks.

Kim Kardashian’s Tits Went To The Marine Corps Ball Last Night

Last year, the Marine Corps Ball in North Carolina got a visit from Mila Kunis, and this year they ended up with the ho stroll’s ambassador Kim Kardashian. How did they go from Mila Kunis to Kim Kardashian? That means next year their celebrity guest will be the nasty ho from Flavor of Love #2 who shat on the floor.  Actually, that would be an upgrade from Kim Kardashian.

Sgt. Martin Gardner invited Kim to the Marine Corps Ball a few months ago and since she can’t say no to balls (and free photo-ops), she accepted his invitation. Kim wanted it to be known that she was in the middle of shooting the CDC’s documentary Contagion: Kim And Kourtney Infect Miami, but she moved her schedule around so she’d be able to fly to North Carolina. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or craugh at the fact that one of the most useless Americans was pretty much the star guest at a ball honoring some of the most important Americans. These Marines almost died just so they could eat Chicken a la King next to Ray-J’s former urinal cake.

And it’s all fun, games and under-the-table hand jobs until all of the Marines are diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from suffering through a Kardashian publicity stunt.

Guy Fieri’s New Restaurant Is A Gourmet Wonderland

Thanks to Applebee’s, Dave and Buster’s, Dallas BBQ, Chevys, Red Lobster and Olive Garden, Times Square is the culinary capital of New York City and now it’s the culinary capital of the world. Times Square can thank Guy Fieri (born name: Guy Ferry, which sounds like the name of John Travolta’s boys, booze and blow jobs cruise) for making that happen, because that’s where he opened his three-story, 500-seat gourmet emporium called Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar. The New York Times reviewed Guy’s latest mess of an eating place and the review is full of so much gold that I just want to slather it with donkey sauce, top it with SMC and eat it all. Let’s start with the ingenious names for some of the gourmet dingles on Guy’s menu:

– Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche

– Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders

– Ain’t No Thing Butta Chicken Wing

– Guy-talian Nachos

The Times’ Peter Wells then went off and created a masterpiece of a review. Guy’s food is just like him, it’s gross, full of lard and putting your mouth on it will give you a never-ending case of the wet shits. That’s what it did to Peter and he let it all out in his review. Here’s just a few of his greatest hits:

– Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?

– When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?

– What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic? And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?

– Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?

– Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?

ATMOSPHERE 500 seats, three levels, three bars, one chaotic mess.

SERVICE The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.

SOUND LEVEL Rawk and roll, but at moderate volumes.

Guy’s restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making toasted marshmallows taste like fish. That’s like a dream wrapped in a nightmare. That sounds like something you’d find on the floor of a strip club in Thailand after the strippers ran out of ping pong balls. And donkey sauce? Sauce that goes on food shouldn’t make me think of Fear Factor.

Guy’s restaurant sounds the kind of place where you’d pull a bleached hair out of your food and wonder if it came from the nutsack on top of his neck or the nutsack on his crotch. As temping as that sounds, I’ll pass. I’ll wait until Sandra Lee opens her own restaurant. It’ll be a giant tablescape and the only thing she’ll serve will be an economy-sized bottle of vodka and melted Otter Pops and Lemon Fresh Clorox for mixers.