Category: BREAKING NEWS
IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS: Meghan Merkel Bought Groceries
Because of everything that has happened during this depressing week (“I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about.” – everyone), I really thought that things would be extra bleak on the real news front. But I was proven wrong this morning when The Daily Mail posted an EXCLUSIVO investigative exposé about Prince Hot Ginge’s American girlfriend Meghan Markle. Meghan is currently visiting her man in London and the paparazzi caught her going back to his place at Kensington Palace. The DM’s investigative reporters put their investigative reporter skills (read: their eyes) to work when they noted that Meghan wore a brown baseball cap and Hunter wellies while walking back to Kensington Palace after shopping among the organic produce at Whole Foods. Unfortunately, the tabloids kind of dropped the ball on this one, because I could not find one interview with that green cow. That nosy trick must’ve peeked into Meghan’s bag as she walked on by.
Exclusive pictures reveal Meghan Markle is staying with Prince Harry at Kensington Palace https://t.co/z3E05RUKSh pic.twitter.com/pL1SazpY8Q
— Mail+ (@DailyMailUK) November 11, 2016
I should turn down the sarcasm all the way, because it is pretty shocking that Meghan Markle went out and bought groceries. If any of us were PHG’s piece, we wouldn’t need to buy groceries. Why bother when you can eat spotted dick all weekend long? Yes, I said spotted dick. He’s a ginger, I’m sure it has freckles on it. And since I’m really great at transitions, I’m going to move from blowjob and freckled royal peen jokes to pictures of PHG remembering the fallen on Armistice Day at the National Memorial Arboretum.
Pics: Wenn.com
Taylor Swift Voted
It felt like every celebrity and their semi-famous dog had let everyone know what side they were on during this election. You had people dressing up as their favorite candidate for Halloween and gingers fighting on Twitter for candidate supremacy and Malcolm’s Dad threatening to move to Canada if Trump wins and Third Eye Blind trolling the RNC. Lots of people had feelings. One person who kept their lips sealed was Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift never said if she was “with her.” She also never endorsed Donald Trump, and I’m sure that really hurt his feelings, because she looks like what he would choose if he could replace Tiffany.
A Strawberry Has Never Touched Tom Brady’s Mouth And One Never Will
Since it seems like I’m on the “rich dudes saying dumb shit to The Cut” beat, here’s a post about Tom Brady saying dumb shit to The Cut. Just like plastic-straw-hater Adrian Grenier, Gisele Bundchen’s man is so not into something that’s got the word “straw” in its name. Two things: Yes, this IS news. And yes, Tom Brady’s feelings about strawberries is one of the most interesting things he’s ever said in an interview.
The Feud Of Our Time: Phoebe Price v. Sarah From “Charles In Charge”
We can finally move on from the stupid Taylor Swift v. Kimye battle, because there’s a new and more important feud to focus on and this one involves way hotter stars!
Dlisted Patron Saint and the international supermodel who is solely responsible for keeping the paparazzi industry alive has sharpened her chicken cutlet cheeks and is ready to cut a bitch for messing with her and her mom. Phoebe Price has come for actress Josie Davis (from Charles In Charge and Titans) for taking and posting the above picture on Instagram of PP wearing one of your church outfits while pushing her mother, Flora, in a wheelchair. Josie added the caption, “Here goes the neighborhood,” and well, there goes Josie’s career, because the Queen of Hollywood will ruin her!
Melissa Etheridge Almost Asked Brad Pitt For His Baby Batter Back In The Day
In “BREAKING NEWS if the year was 1996” news, Melissa Etheridge said in an interview with Australia’s Studio 10 (via People) that when she and her then-partner Julie Cypher were looking to have kids, they almost asked their then-good friend Brad Pitt to bust a load of baby-making leche into a plastic cup for them. This was all the way back in the olden days of the mid-90s before he was married to Jennifer Aniston and before he became the patriarch of the world’s holiest family. Melissa says that they ultimately decided not to ask Brad Pitt and instead asked David Crosby to jack out a nut for them.
Katy Perry And Orlando Bloom Went To A Play Together
It looks like we can upgrade Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom’s situation from “Flirting” to “Engaging in low-pressure social activities together.” Be careful you two, or your relationship is bound to get whiplash from moving so fast.
Shortly after the booze-induced brain fog wore off from the night before, everyone ran to the cafeteria and started whispering about how Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom were seen “flirting” and “sharing a vape pen” during a Golden Globes afterparty. Clearly they enjoyed all that flirting and vaping, because UsWeekly says were seen together backstage during a performance of a play in Culver City on Thursday night. But did they share a vape pen???
Evidence of Katy and Orlando’s casual date also showed up online when they took a selfie with the play’s star and he threw it up on Instagram. However, the most IMPORTANT part of this story is that it looks like Katy and Orlando were on a double-date with 90s legend (in my mind) Vinessa Shaw! It’s OK, I’ll forgive you for not noticing such an significant detail; your eyes no doubt skipped right past Kimberly Mullen from Ladybugs and went straight to Orlando Bloom’s bad boy earring. If you want to know what the play was about, I wouldn’t ask Katy Perry. I’m sure she spent the entire time texting her friends: “OMG am sitting next to Allison from Hocus Pocus.”
Speaking of Orlando’s sexy cool dad earring, here’s more of Orlando strolling out of The Nice Guy last night wearing pretty much the exact same outfit he wore on his date with Katy Perry. Fun Fact: the photo agency tells me he left The Nice Guy and went to a strip club. Dirty clothes and a trip to the strippers? Watch out, John Mayer, you’ve got some competition!
