Adrian Grenier is so not enjoying that delicious-looking strawberry cocktail. Adrian is hate-sucking on that straw, because straws are the devil’s long plastic dick!
Adrian is the television version of Leonardo DiCatchAHo, because it seems like his (gigantic) peen is a nomad who never wants to settle down in one poon AND he really cares about the environment. Adrian co-founded the Lonely Whale Foundation, which exists to educate people on ocean animals. Adrian’s foundation did some exhibit for Refinery29 in Brooklyn for Fashion Week. The Cut talked to Adrian at popular restaurant Roberta’s in Bushwick, and when he opens up his mind to you, hold onto something tight, because he will take you on a hilarious insane ride through his acid-laced thoughts. Most of the quotes that were squirted out of Adrian’s brain read like something a Portlandia writer would write before scratching it out and saying, “Naw, that’s TOO crazy.”
Dude started out the interview by ordering a cocktail and he asked the server to leave out the straw, because plastic straws are bad for the environment and the ocean. Did you know that many children have to walk miles to school because their spots on the bus have been taken over by straws?! It’s disgusting! If a child has been left behind, it’s because of a straw! Adrian burped up this quote about straws and it took me higher than a line of coke (snorted through a paper straw, of course) ever could:
“We consume 500 million straws each day. The equivalent of 127 school buses filled with straws. It’s disgusting. There should be children in those school buses, going to school, to learn, not straws.”
The next time I see a school bus, I am going to be really disappointed if it’s not filled with straws.
His day job is doing acting stuff, but his night job is doing superhero stuff and I hope that means that he runs through the bars of New York City knocking plastic straws out of people’s mouths.
“I’m a guy who cares about people. Acting is my day job, but at night, I get to be a superhero. There are superheroes, people who fly or have all these extraterrestrial powers or supernatural abilities. Everybody can be a superhero every day by doing very simple things. Change the world.”
If you read that first quote and thought to yourself that Adrian sounds like he just inhaled sixty five clouds of emissions while doing lots of hallucinogens at Burning Man, you’re right! Well, you’re right about Adrian being at Burning Man anyway. Adrian went to Burning Man for the first time and when The Cut’s writer asked him if he feels like people who go to Burning Man never stop talking about going to Burning Man, he mouth farted up this beautiful douche nugget of wisdom:
“It’s like, could you imagine having discovered America? Would you stop talking about that? It’s like, I went to this new land. There’s nothing like it. And that’s the thing. It’s captivating, because it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And I’m worldly, I’ve been around the world. And it happens to reflect the value system that I agree with.”
Adrian has a point, because I can definitely picture Christopher Columbus going on and on about discovering a new land as the natives, who lived in his “new land” for a while, rolled their eyes like, “Okay, bitch.”
Burning Man isn’t only a great place to find lots of drugs, it’s also a great place if you love sharing umbrellas!
“The reason I responded so much to Burning Man is, that is my ethos, that is my people, that is the way I’ve always lived and wanted to live. And there is a Zeitgeist of humans who think that way. If I didn’t have an umbrella, for example, I would go from umbrella to umbrella with people and get where I needed to go, dry. Sharing umbrellas is awesome.”
Further proving that he’s the hipster Christopher Columbus, Adrian thinks that he was one of the first settlers of Williamsburg. Williamsburg became way too much of a giant Whole Foods for Adrian so he moved to the desolate land of Bushwick where in HIS day, he had to walk backward in the snow for a latte! This “gentrifier talking shit about gentrifiers” gem is next level:
“I pioneered Williamsburg. It got so gentrified that I had to come to Bushwick. I lived two blocks away, and then this place (Roberta’s) opened, and I couldn’t afford to live in this neighborhood. We used to have to walk three miles backward in the snow for a cup of coffee when we lived here. Now there’s, like, baristas and cold brew.”
And finally, the douche hipster hybrid of James Franco and Shia LaBeouf said this about needing to stay single for his fans:
“You know, it’s funny. I was listening to this Radiolab episode about K-Pop. In K-Pop, they completely manufacture their pop stars and they make the pop stars sign contracts where they vow not to date because they’re supposed to be the property of the people, they’re supposed to be perpetually single and attainable. So in honor of that episode and the Korean pop stars that I aspire to be, I am perpetually single for the sake of my fans.”
Adrian entire’s hilarious conversation with The Cut is here, and if I could, I would quickie marry that interview at Burning Man while wearing a tuxedo made of paper straws as a K-Pop song played.