A Strawberry Has Never Touched Tom Brady’s Mouth And One Never Will

September 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Since it seems like I’m on the “rich dudes saying dumb shit to The Cut” beat, here’s a post about Tom Brady saying dumb shit to The Cut. Just like plastic-straw-hater Adrian Grenier, Gisele Bundchen’s man is so not into something that’s got the word “straw” in its name. Two things: Yes, this IS news. And yes, Tom Brady’s feelings about strawberries is one of the most interesting things he’s ever said in an interview.

The Cut talked to Tom Brady about what he’s been filling his days with as he goes through a 4-month suspension for deflating balls. Tommy B spends his days napping, chilling, listening to music and reading stuff, and he does all of that while wearing UGGs slippers. One thing that Tom Brady doesn’t spend a second of his day doing is eating strawberries! Just like I don’t have any desire to watch a New England Patriots game, Tom Brady has no desire to put a delicious, plump strawberry in his mouth. I know, the hell kind of childhood did he have?

Here’s the UGGs spokeswhore on the Ninth Circle-made slippers he promotes, strawberries, cheeseburgers and Usain Bolt:

On how his house is a fancy dumpster pile of UGGs slippers: “I have a lot. More than you could ever imagine. My wife doesn’t let anyone wear shoes in our house, so we have a bench, and under the bench is all UGGs slippers.”

On strawberries and how he keeps his body football strong by not eating cheeseburgers every day: “Do you need to eat a cheeseburger every day to realize that you love a cheeseburger? Or could you eat it once a week … or once every two weeks … or once a month … or once every two months? I’ve never eaten a strawberry in my life. I have no desire to do that. Absolutely not. I don’t believe you could be a 39-year-old quarterback in the NFL and eat cheeseburgers every day. I want to be able to do what I love to do for a long time.”

On how he’d make the game of football his bitch if he had Usain Bolt’s legs: “I’ve always been the slowest guy on the team, so I’d love to be like Usain Bolt. I’d love to be the fastest guy on the planet. When I’m on the field, I sometimes think, Man if I could just run away from everybody, how hard would this game really be?”

We already know that Tom and Gis’ diet is stricter than a caterpillar’s and that he’s never drank coffee before, so just add “strawberries” to the list of things his tongue doesn’t touch.

I have talked trash about Oprah and St. Angie Jolie before, so I am definitely headed to hell on a hover board. And when I get there, I will open the door to a beautiful and luxurious mansion. I’ll think to myself that hell isn’t so bad…and then I’ll notice the UGGs slippers everywhere and when I go through the kitchen, I won’t find any coffee or strawberries! Yes, Tom Brady’s house is my hell. It’s my knotty pine.

And here’s Tom Brady’s #1 doucheciple Ben Affleck looking like a fresh dew drop at LAX the other day:

Pics: AP, Splash

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