Category: Brangelina
As Expected, Chelsea Handler Really Has The Sads Over The End Of Brangelina
Yesterday, my thoughts and prayers were with the president of the West Coast chapter of the Brangeloonies, Chelsea Hander, because I know that Brangelina is her favorite couple in the history of love. Chelsea has said time and time again that Angelina Jolie has a wonderful soul, a kind spirit, is a girl’s girl and she wishes they were best friends. So I just knew that all day yesterday, Chelsea was probably crying out hot vodka tears while she lay in the fetal position on her bathroom floor and punched at the sky as she screamed, “Why, God, why?!” (Side note: I’m jealous of Chelsea’s dog, because I wish I could get drunk for free by licking up her vodka tears.)
I thought that Chelsea would need to take a lengthy sad-bbatical to deal with the break-up of Brangelina, but she somehow pulled her emotions together and was able to shoot an episode of her Netflix show. As her dried and chapped tear ducts quivered (since she already cried out all the liquid in her body), Chelsea gave a heartfelt eulogy for Brangelina. And of course, I mean the opposite of all of that since Chelsea hates St. Angie more than she’d hate getting eaten out by a piranha with an overbite.
Some Source Says That Marion Cotillard Would Like To Be Excluded From This Narrative
Nearly right after TMZ reported that Angelina Jolie took a machete to Brangelina because the demon weed turns Brad Pitt into a mean daddy, Page Six shook their head NO to that claim. Page Six said that St. Angie hired a private investigator to follow Brad around while he shot the movie Allied in London earlier this year, and when the PI put a magnifying glass over his dick, they found poonaise sauce that came from the chocha of his co-star Marion Cotillard! Page Six’s source that Brad humping on Marion is what broke Brangie. But everyone from TMZ to People and beyond said that wasn’t so and Angie doesn’t have to awkwardly welcome her husband’s side piece to the IHA (International Homewreckers Association) because her divorce filing wasn’t brought on by cheating. The Daily Mail spoke to some source who says that it’s not true and Marion is probably devastated over being wrongly dragged into that messy situation and mislabeled as a maison dépanneuse (that’s Google French for “home wrecker.”)
Jennifer Aniston Reacted To The Brangelina Divorce Exactly How You’d Think She Would
I’m glad that after all the unpredictability of yesterday, we can still count on the New York Post to come through with a very New York Post-y cover.
I figured that about 0.6 seconds after one of Angelina Jolie’s minions dropped a copy of those divorce papers off at Brad Pitt’s stoner hovel, there would be a crowd of reporters outside Jennifer Aniston’s house screaming for a statement. “Jen, just how loud did you laugh when you heard the news?” “Jen, will you be celebrating with a huge party or a case of wine at Chelsea Handler’s house?” That didn’t happen, but several sources spilled the details of Jen’s feelings to UsWeekly. And yeah, those Jen reaction memes on Twitter were pretty accurate.
Brad Pitt May Fight St. Angie Jolie For Joint Physical Custody Of The Child Army
Brangelina may be over, but at least we’ll always have these wax figures of her looking like a brown-headed fun house mirror Mena Suvari and him looking like Willie Nelson after falling asleep in the sun with Crisco on his face.
TMZ posted the divorce papers that Angelina Jolie filed yesterday, and I had to double check to make sure she really put “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why her marriage is done and not “By The Sea.” St. Angie also said in the documents that she wants to share legal custody of the child army, but she wants sole physical custody with Brad Pitt getting visitation rights. St. Angie reportedly wants sole custody, because Brad is an angry stoner drunk and she thinks he’s a danger to their 6 kids. Team Brad is fighting back and shitting on those claims. Brad may ask for joint physical custody, which means that shit could get messier than the back of his chonies when he lets out a Taco Bell-infused stoner shart.
Page Six Says That St. Angie Jolie Dumped Brad Pitt After Finding Out He Passed His Peen To Marion Cotillard
When the trailer for Mr. & Mrs. Smith Go To World War II Times (aka Allied) came out, everybody, including this bitch, joked that it’s really not a Mr. & Mrs. Smith reboot until Brad Pitt leaves St. Angie Jolie for Marion Cotillard and Angie goes on to spend her nights drying her lonely tears on her boyfriend pillow while listening to Adele. Page Six claims that those jokes are fact and that St. Angie dumped Brad after finding out that he broke their vows on Marion’s coochie a la Française.
St. Angie Jolie Filed For Divorce From Brad Pitt
2016 is just keeping it coming. TMZ says that Angelina Jolie filed papers yesterday to legally quit Brad Pitt after being married for just 2 years and being together since 2004. She’s asking for sole physical custody of all 6 members of the child army and only wants Brad to have visitation rights. I’ll add more as it comes in, but for now, I need to brace my eardrums for the blood-curdling screeches of pained mourning from the Brangeloonies and from the stage 10 cackle that’s been brewing inside of Jennifer Aniston for years!