The Holy Family Blessed LAX Yesterday

One time while I was at LAX, I watched a dude in lime green CROCs and what looked like Affliction shorts hug and kiss on his piece who was wearing hot pink UGGs. It was one of the most unholiest things I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying a lot since I watch a lot of reality TV) and I almost missed my flight on purpose so that I could run to the nearest church and dip my eyeballs in holy water. Well, that unholy scene that happened on the grounds of LAX has now been wiped clean, along with every sin committed there, thanks to God’s earth ambassador Dame St. Angie Jolie and the child army blessing that airport with their holy presence yesterday. LAX is now clean! Oh, yeah and Brad Pitt also tagged along while looking like he was about to pull out a guitar and sing Skynyrd songs for loose change.

Dame St. Angie Jolie, Brad and their child army flew from LAX to Paris and Paris to Nice. The Daily Mail has pictures of the holy family taking their seats in coach on the short flight from Paris to Nice. Yes, coach! If you have ever rolled your eyes at me when I called Angie Jolie a saint, you will never roll them again, because she obviously is. I mean, sitting in coach? The saint of all saints.

In other Dame Saint news, Angie Jolie talked to actor Domhnall Gleeson, whom she directed in Unbroken, for Interview Magazine. Domhnall is in the new Star Wars movie and St. Angie tells him that even though he’s in a Star Wars movie, his future kids will never think he’s cool.

JOLIE: You still won’t be cool to your children no matter what you do. But the Star Wars movies always have these beautiful messages and they are quite profound. And you will have this thing where, wherever you go in the world, you will be an artist and familiar to them.

Wait, so is St. Angie saying that her kids think she’s kind of uncool? Jennifer Aniston’s impact!

Pics: FameFlynet

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Will Soon Bless The Pope With Their Presence

According to UsWeekly, preparations are currently underway at Pope Castle (is that the name of the Pope’s house? I really should have paid more attention to my Catholic cousins) to receive the most important guests this side of Jesus: St. Angelina Jolie and her greasy glass of dirty bong water husband Brad Pitt. An insider says that St. Angie and The Funyun King have planned a trip to Italy for a “VIP meet-and-greet” at the Vatican with Pope Francis. I didn’t know the Vatican had a VIP package? I bet it comes with a Bible wrapped in Rolexes or something.

It might seem weird that Brad and Angie want to meet Pope Francis, considering Brad has admitted before that he flip-flops between agnosticism and atheism, but according to this insider, they both admire Pope Francis and “like the Pope’s message”. No word on whether or not St. Angie’s angel babies are going with them, but I’m going to guess probably not, because, really, what use would they have for the Pope? They’ve already been gifted with a lifetime of blessings (ie. staring into St. Angie’s miraculous cheese knife cheekbones every morning when they wake up, hearing her heavenly voice scream at Brad to “open a damn window and turn down COPS” every night as they drift off to sleep).

I know they’re trying to spin this visit like it’s some kind of celebrity Pope visit, but we all know what it really is; the first staff meeting of 2015 for Heaven’s on-Earth reps. If you hear of Bruce Jenner making a surprise trip to Italy sometime in the next couple of days, you’ll know why (he’s an angel to me). And I’m sure Angie has a lot to talk about this year too: famine, floods, poverty, but most importantly – Scott Rudin taking the Lord’s name in vain by referring to God’s favorite savior St. Angie as a spoiled brat.

And it looks like the angel St. Angie rode to Italy flew at the speed of light, because here she is arriving in Rome today:

Pics: Splash

Brad Pitt And A Couple Of The Angel Babies Filled In For A Sick St. Angie At The Unbroken Premiere

Since St. Angie will be soaking in a calamine lotion bath until she finally gives in and uses her saintly powers to perform a miracle on herself and cure her chicken pox, someone had to go to the Unbroken premiere in Hollywood last night and represent the First Family of Heaven. I guess the twin messiahs were busy teaching the sun to shine brighter and that fierce HBIC in training Zahara couldn’t be bothered leaving the giant diamond she sleeps on, because St. Angie’s replacements were Brad Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and OG Maddox Jolie-Pitt. And they all dressed in matching suits! Well, all of them except for Brad, who decided to fuck a shirt and tie and went for the sleazy aging club promoter look with a wide-neck black t-shirt and gold chain instead. And what is with Brad and those damn sunglasses? Bitch, you ain’t Bono!

Personally, I think it’s adorable that St. Angie’s Lil’ Angels all wore matching suits. They look like at any moment, they’re going to leave the red carpet and take their golden chariot to the suburbs and spend the rest of the evening ringing people’s doorbells and asking them if they’ve accepted St. Angie as their skinny-armed lord and savior. Meanwhile, Brad looks like he’s about to bum $100 off Maddox so he can “split” and head for the Pink Taco on Sunset for some “taco nachos”. And no, that’s not a euphemism; he’s high as hell and wants $100 worth of shitty nachos.

Here’s more of The Heart Family of Heaven, as well as Brapi’s parents, and everyone else at the Unbroken premiere:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Dame St. Angie Says Her Friends Warned Her About Doing A Movie About A Couple In A Busted Marriage

During an interview with Australia’s Today Show (via Daily Mail), Dame St. Angie spoke about her and Brad Pitt’s upcoming film/gift to the Brangeloonies, By The Sea, and admitted that some of the other angels in Heaven questioned whether or not it was a good idea for her to direct and star with her new husband in a movie about a couple who’s marriage is in a bad way:

“We haven’t acted together for ten years, so we decided we would do it again and we did a very small drama about family, about marriage in fact. We did a drama about a bad marriage. A lot of friends of ours thought is was a really…they didn’t say a bad idea, but they asked us a few times if we were sure we wanted to do that.”

I guess the angels were afraid of an art-imitating-life situation where playing an on-screen couple whose marriage is in the toilet might kill their own marriage and causing the universe to explode. Those angels – so thoughtful. But they should know that Dame St. Angie would never do anything that would put her marriage to soap’s nemesis Brad Pitt in trouble; even if the movie did kill their marriage, she has the power to perform miracles and bring it back to life, remember? Silly angels, it’s St. Angie we’re talking about.

And here’s Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth, Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones Dame St. Angie of the People at the photo call for the other movie she directed, Unbroken, in Berlin. Someone should tell DSt.A that just because she’s in Berlin doesn’t mean she has to dress like Dieter from Sprockets.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

Dame St. Angie Says She’s Still Trying To Get The Hang Of The Whole “Wife” Thing

Sleepy-voiced grandpa Tom Brokaw must have some pull with God, because he was recently given the honor of sitting down with Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth Dame St. Angelina Jolie for an interview for the TODAY show. No, it’s actually because he’s making a documentary with her about the making of her film Unbroken (working title: Unbroken: The Story of St. Angie’s Twig-Like Arms).

And speaking of grandpas, Tom opens the interview by asking Angie a point-blank question about her marriage to human drug rug Brad Pitt, specifically if anything has changed since they made it legal. This is where I thought DSt.A was going to hiss “Well, we’ve started having more smoke-filled fights on a fancy balconies, for one thing” but she says the only thing that’s really changed is that she’s still trying to get used to being a wife.

“I think we have more moments where I say, ‘I’m going to be a better wife! I’m going to learn to cook,’ and he says, ‘Oh honey, know what you’re good at, know what you’re not.’ He knows my limitations and where I’m a good wife and a good mom.”

Oh, how sweet of Dame St. Angie to pretend she’s bad at something! That’s really very kind of her to act like she doesn’t wake up every morning on a bed of baby angel wings, float down the stairs of Château du Cheekbones, perform a series of breakfast miracles like turning water into freshly-squeezed orange juice and poaching eggs with the warmth of her heart, then chuckling a lighthearted laugh when Brad shuffles into the kitchen, bypasses the beautiful spread she’s created, and pours milk directly into a box of Lucky Charms.

And here’s Dame St. Angie of the People at the UK premiere of Unbroken looking like a skinny alien clone of Kate Middleton.

Pics: Splash

Looking At These Pictures of Maddox All-Grown-Up Will Make You Feel Super Old

Here’s your sobering thought of the day: it’s been over a decade since Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton adopted Maddox from Cambodia. Did we just all stare hopelessly out the window thinking ‘Oh god, what have I done with my life??‘ at the same time, like the mice in An American Tail? I think we did.

It feels like just yesterday Maddox was holding his mother’s hand as he exited toy stores all over the world (that’s all those kids seem to do, enter and exit toy stores), but that patchy teen ‘stache is proof that our little baby is all grown up. Teen Time Maddox is giving me serious Joseph Gribble vibes, and I’ll be honest; it’s working. I think 12-year-old me just tried to become science class partners with him (“Sorry Allison…I..uh…think I already have a partner…um…“). That teen ‘stache gives me comfort knowing that no matter how insanely rich and famous your family is, no one is exempt from their embarrassing, awkward pre-teen years. Maddox’s life right now is probably a never-ending cycle of Angie busting into his bedroom with a basket of clean laundry, and frantically trying to close his laptop as he screams: “Mom! Learn to knock, why don’t you?!?”

Maddox and Brad Pitt were on hand as Saint Angie received an honorary Oscar for her humanitarian work last night at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ Governors Awards in Hollywood. Maddox looks adorable (that tiny tux!), Angie is bringing classic Angie (“Come! Kneel before me and bask in the light of my soul. 5 minutes should be enough to give you a good base tan”) so let’s talk Brad. His tight hair game and the disappearance of that raggedy Urban Outfitters scarf has me singing Guess who’s back/back again/hot Brad’s back/tell a friend. Let’s hope it lasts. Spoiler alert: it won’t. That scraggly beard imprinted on him a long time ago.

Here’s more of America’s most perfect family (I’m still not completely convinced they’re not a set of The Heart Family dolls that came to life one night) last night in Hollywood.

(Pics via Splash)