Category: Here Comes The Rapture

St. Angie Jolie Filed For Divorce From Brad Pitt

September 20, 2016 / Posted by:

2016 is just keeping it coming. TMZ says that Angelina Jolie filed papers yesterday to legally quit Brad Pitt after being married for just 2 years and being together since 2004. She’s asking for sole physical custody of all 6 members of the child army and only wants Brad to have visitation rights. I’ll add more as it comes in, but for now, I need to brace my eardrums for the blood-curdling screeches of pained mourning from the Brangeloonies and from the stage 10 cackle that’s been brewing inside of Jennifer Aniston for years!

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Kristen Stewart Was Happy To Win A “Real” Acting Award

January 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Last year, we all expected the sky to open up and for heaven to swallow us whole after Kristen Stewart became the first American actress to win a César award (aka the French Oscar) for Clouds of Sils Maria. KStew wasn’t nominated for a Golden Globe or a SAG or anything but she’s been picking up a few critics awards for what she did in that Clouds movie. So far the Boston Society of Film Critics, the Florida Film Critics Circle (Florida! Of course) and the National Society of Film Critics have all given her an award for Best Supporting Actress. And last night, she accepted a Best Supporting Actress award from the New York Film Critics. While wearing a two-piece outfit made of goth dining room curtains and a black pee-resistant mattress pad, KStew joked about how it was nice to win an award that’s not a painted tub of popcorn.  via Showbiz411

Stewart gave a laid back and short speech but seemed genuinely moved by the nod from the New York Film Critics. “I’ve received a lot of Popcorns, MTV Popcorn awards,” she said, but this meant something more for a film she described as “thoughtful and quiet,” adding, “It came out a year ago, so this is nuts.”

KStew hasn’t exactly reached Leonardo DiCaprio levels of Oscar campaigning, but The Hollywood Reporter says that she’s hustling a little. Well, bitch needs to hustle harder if she wants to be in the game. She needs to tell reporters that she really suffered while making that movie. She only blinked 30 times a take instead of 70 and she only kept her mouth open 85% of the time. She suffered hard!

The idea of Juliette Binoche as a glamorous movie star on a train spoke to me, so I watched Clouds of Sils Maria a while ago. If you compared KStew’s performance in that to the impersonation of a taxidermied ferret she did in the Twatlight movies, then yeah, she was better. But I don’t know why people are throwing awards and nominations at her. If anyone in that movie deserves nominations it’s Juliette Binoche. Or even Chloe Grace Moretz. Shit, even the actual clouds of Sils Maria deserve a nomination over KStew. With that being said, I hope Kristen Stewart is nominated for an Oscar and I hope she wins. Because I just love participating in a good old-fashioned messy meltdown.


Hillary Clinton Said A Few Nice Things About Kim Kartrashian….

September 15, 2015 / Posted by:

And now here’s something from the department of: MOTHERFUCK WHY, HILLARY, WHY!!!!?!!!!!

Last month, Hillary Clinton took a selfie and talked with the President of the United States of Yeezus, Kanye West, and his plastic creation Kim Kartrashian at a fundraiser , because I guess she figured that the golden showers lovers demographic is still a demographic she can get votes from. That selfie scared me more than a closed sign on an In-N-Out, but Hillary’s gotta hustle and believe it or not, the Kartrashians kult is full of brainwashed followers who will do whatever they say (proof: the fact that they still exist). But Hillary went too, too far last night…

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How Is The World Still Standing Today?

August 24, 2015 / Posted by:

The US stocks are sucking shit stains at the bottom of the toilet, Donald Trump is still up in the polls and this morning, I only had enough coffee to make one cup. The world is ending and I blame it all on One Direction. Who knew that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would be four Pomade-covered, Topman-wearing yodeling twinks?

Last night, many of us prepared our end-of-the-world shelter (mine is a bedroom closet covered with pictures of a topless Prince Hot Ginge and filled with the necessities: a bag of the good shit, a battery-powered vaporizer, four bags of pork rinds, a 120-pack of vodka juiceboxes and flip book porn) when The Sun announced that the end is near, because One Direction is going on a break. The Sun claims that 1D will not tour their next album and once they’re done promoting it in March 2016, they’re going to go separate directions. (Side note: Blogging law states that every blogger must make that overused “separate directions” joke in any post about One Direction going on a break.) The Sun’s source says that they all want to do their own thing for a while.

Of course, this rumor caused emergency rooms to fill with hysterical, dehydrated Directioners who needed to be hooked up to IVs since they cried all the fluids in their bodies out. But a source tells UsWeekly it’s not that serious. They’re just taking a little break and Zayn Malik quitting their asses had nothing to do with why they want to press pause on 1D:

“That doesn’t mean they’re splitting up at all,” our source insists. “Even when Zayn was in the band they had been speaking about having time to focus on personal projects. They’re one of the hardest working groups around and totally deserve some time to themselves,” the source continues.

Um, the source needs to educate themselves. Exposé is the hardest working group around since they’ve been working the casino and festival circuits long before 1D were jizz fish in their daddy’s nutsack.

Those of us who lived through the devastating break-ups of NSYNC and New Kids on the Block should make an “It Gets Better” video for the Directioners. The Directioners will get through it and even if 1D’s “hiatus” turns into a full-on break-up, they’ll eventually get back together for a reunion tour when the money dries up and the mortgage is due. So in 20 years, life-long Directioners will get drunk on roh-zay and throw their chonies onto the stage during One Direction’s reunion show at their local state fair. The Directioners have that to look forward to!


The Final Sign Of The Apocalypse: Lindsay Lohan Is Off Probation

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above hawking designer coke in a single-serving bag (it’s actually oil-pulling crap for your teefs) on Instagram, Lindsay Lohan is free of being on probation and it only took her a million and one years to do it. What a true American hero and charitable saint.

When TMZ said yesterday that LiLo actually completed all 125 community service hours, I threw my best skeptical bitch side-eye. I was preparing to not be surprised by her trying pass off “holding a drunken White Oprah’s hair while that mess barfed into a toilet” and “flashing her freckled chest dumplings at construction workers” as community service. But today, Judge Mark A. Young signed off on her community service hours and released her from probation. Meanwhile, the A/C in Pimp Mama Kris’ mansion just dropped to freezing temperatures by itself and somewhere Guy Fieri oinked out a “huh?” as wings suddenly sprouted from his back. Judge Mark said these words we thought we’d never ever hear:

“It does appear Ms. Lohan fully complied with her community service obligation. Probation is terminated as of today.”

“It does appear…” Even Judge Mark needed a trick to pinch him four times, because he couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing. It’s like when I look at my checking account statement and don’t see a negative balance. It’s a real “this fucking can’t be” moment.

After Judge Mark declared that LiLo is probation-free after nearly 8 years, she twatted out a thank you speech like she won a damn Oscar.

Shawn Holley didn’t read that, because she was too busy doing cartwheels of freedom down the sidewalks of L.A. And everybody better put on a helmet, clutch onto a rosary, pray to Hay-Soos and keep your baby strollers off of the streets, because now that LiLo’s free from probation, nothing’s in her way.

We’re Now Living In A World Where That Zayn Dude Is Not In One Direction

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Yup, that heart tattoo above his Ken Doll crotch is now a broken heart tattoo.

After leaving the One Direction tour due to the stress caused by all the rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend by passing his peen to another in Thailand, Zayn Malik (whose name I can type without checking Google and yes, that worries me) has decided to leave the cushy position of getting paid millions and millions of dollars to sing songs in front of billions of screaming, crazy girls who would be devoted to him even if he murdered a village of kittens. Zayn is just not about that life. Zayn, One Direction and Simon Cowell left these messages on Facebook.

After five incredible years Zayn Malik has decided to leave One Direction. Niall, Harry, Liam and Louis will continue as a four-piece and look forward to the forthcoming concerts of their world tour and recording their fifth album, due to be released later this year.

Zayn says: “My life with One Direction has been more than I could ever have imagined. But, after five years, I feel like it is now the right time for me to leave the band. I’d like to apologise to the fans if I’ve let anyone down, but I have to do what feels right in my heart. I am leaving because I want to be a normal 22-year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight. I know I have four friends for life in Louis, Liam, Harry and Niall. I know they will continue to be the best band in the world.”

One Direction say: “We’re really sad to see Zayn go, but we totally respect his decision and send him all our love for the future. The past five years have been beyond amazing, we’ve gone through so much together, so we will always be friends. The four of us will now continue. We’re looking forward to recording the new album and seeing all the fans on the next stage of the world tour.”

Simon Cowell says: “I would like to say thank you to Zayn for everything he has done for One Direction. Since I first met Zayn in 2010, I have grown very, very fond – and immensely proud – of him. I have seen him grow in confidence and I am truly sorry to see him leave. As for One Direction, fans can rest assured that Niall, Liam, Harry and Louis are hugely excited about the future of the band.”

Zayn Malik IS the Ginger Spice of One Direction. I know you can’t read this since your eyeballs are currently swimming in a sea of sad tears made by you, but if you want a quick injection of happiness, re-read Simon Cowell’s statement and picture his juicy nipples saying it.

Well, it’s been a good run, Internet. We’ve had fun making fun of fame whores and bonded over videos of cats doing nothing, but it’s look like our time has come to an end. We can survive a lot of things, but there’s no way Twitter timelines and the Internet as a whole will survive being drowned by the trillions of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs spilling out of the Directioners. The world will never be the same again. I’d pour out a tub of hair molding clay for Zayn, but that shit doesn’t pour out! Now I’ll leave you to make a “Where I Was When I Heard The News That Zayn Left 1D” video for you to watch in 2025 on the 10th anniversary of this tragic event.


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