E! Online reports that Ashley Benson and Brandon Davis are dating, and a source claims they’re “really into each other.” Brandon Davis… Brandon Davis… why does that name ring a bell? WAIT. Brandon “Greasy Bear” Davis? Paris Hilton’s scumbag sidekick from the mid-2000s? Brother to Jason Davis (RIP)? The billionaire oil heir who proudly informed the paps that Lindsay Lohan was a firecrotch who came freckles?! Ashley Benson’s friends, assemble! Your girl is in dire straits.
In “Skank Dumpster Trash You Haven’t Thought About In Years” news, TMZ says that early this morning in Malibu, a raggedy fight broke out between meth-faced Jeremy Jackson (aka Hobie from Baywatch) and two dried balls of smegma that humanity squirted out of its ass 10 years ago. Jeremy Jackson tells TMZ that he ended up with a busted eye after he got a beat down delivered to him by Brandon “Fat Elvis” Davis, Wonky McValtrex and others. Those dumb whores. Couldn’t they have waited for Dlisted’s 10th anniversary in January to give us this gutter gift from 2005?
Jeremy tells TMZ he was at a party at Wonky’s rented house in Malibu last night and at around 2 this morning, Fat Elvis and other nasty pieces of L.A. trash attacked him and cracked a liquor bottle over his head. Jeremy didn’t say why they came after him, but he did say that they’re all “degenerate fame whores.” The cops tell TMZ that they got 2 separate calls from 2 separate people at the party who claimed they got attacked by the other one. One of the two people was Wonky’s brother (probably Barron Hilton). Nobody wanted to press charges, so nobody was arrested and the cops left. Jeremy gave TMZ this picture of his busted eye and he says his attackers were “literally going Rodney King on my ass.”
Yes, because an orange has-been getting his ass beat by a bunch of spoiled, useless human viruses at a Malibu beach house is just like a Rodney King situation. Either the meth ate whatever was left inside of Hobie’s head or that scratch on his eye got infected and spread to his brain. And that “owwie” looks like the infection a dude gets after Wonky sits on his face and squirts.
And Fat Elvis earning the 8-balls Wonky gives him by beating tricks she tells him to beat up tells us that everything is fine and well in the 2005 exhibit of the fame whore zoo and we can keep it moving.
Since we’re on the subject of Jeremy Jackson’s beautifully sculpted orange meth face, here he is at Chippendales 3 years ago.
For once, a famewhore inside a famewhore isn’t resulting in a sex tape. It’s Paris Hilton, the OG “please suck a fuck and die” famewhore channeling the current one by dressing up as Miley Cyrus. Paris brought her mom Kathy, Greasy Bear (government name: Brandon Davis) and her pancake ass to Hugh Hefner’s Halloween party last night. She even stuck her disease-ridden tongue out, which made Hugh’s party planner very happy that she went the extra mile to include a trial dose of Valtrex in everybody’s goodie bag. I can’t figure out what Kathy’s costume is. I’m getting shades of my high school senior year math teacher who always showed up to class in mismatched clothes with one black shoe and one blue shoe, while Greasy Bear looks like his mom sewed him a ninja Elvis costume.
(Pics via Wenn.com)
According to InTouch Weekly, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are no longer licking each other’s pussies. Miranda has apparently already picked herself up a rebound and his name is Greasy Bear aka Fat Elvis aka Brandon Davis. SUCIO! You would save money on lube by fucking Greasy Bear, but your dignity would never be the same. That’s if you have dignity in the first place.
Miranda and Greasy Bear reportedly did fuckey fuckey times back in November but they both denied it. Recently, they were spotted “canoodling” at two clubs in NYC. Canoodling with Greasy Bear must be like taking a vaseline shower.
A witness said, “They were full on making out. They didn’t seem to care who saw.” A source said that Miranda always goes to Greasy Bear when she has a fight with Orlando. Her spokesbitch denies she’s split with Orlando.
I mean, how does one even start fucking Greasy Bear? Did she slip on his greasy puddle and accidentally land on his dick made of lard? I’m the whoriest whore whoever whored and I still wouldn’t get with that. Ok…..I lie. I’d lick the tip, but just because I like the taste of Crisco.
Somebody needs to tell Greasy Bear that McDonald’s is hiring. It would be a match made in greasy heaven! Greasy is reportedly broke as fuck and doesn’t have a greasy den to call his own. Page Six reports that Greasy has been crashing on the couch of Scott Storch. Unfortunately, it looks like he’s not welcomed back. One night after partying with Scott, Greasy crashed on his sofa. Scott woke up the next morning to find Greasy gone. His $100,000 watch was also missing.
A source said, “The next morning, when Scott got up, Brandon was already gone – and so was Scott’s $100,000 diamond encrusted watch that had been in the same room the night before. Scott called Brandon and told him the watch was missing but, ‘It’s OK – I just got a new security system, so everything’s on tape.‘”
A source said that Greasy immediately started crying and promised Scott he would bring the watch back. Scott felt bad, so didn’t call the police. When asked about the incident, Scott said, “I heard about this. Give peace a chance.”
If you leave your douchey $100,000 watch unprotected near Greasy Bear, you deserve to have that shit snatched. Fuck, I would lock up my refrigerator and pantry if Greasy Bear stayed on my sofa. I would also have to cover the sofa with industrial strength plastic.
Greasy Bear was detained by airport officials in Sydney on Saturday, because he had too much money on him. Greasy reportedly had over $10,000 in cash. He was questioned for a couple of hours before being released. Airport officials were most likely perplexed as to how this hog got his hands on so much money. I thought he was broke. Paris Hilton probably gave him the money after he agreed to pick off all her crabs.
Greasy showed off a much slimmer bod in Australia. A steady diet of coke and cigs will do that to a body. He probably finally shit out all the grease build up in his body.
Image: Pacific Coast News